Jay X

Posted on May 13, 2013 by

I agreed to help out Will & Jay by giving them another plug for their latest YouTube creation. They debuted this little treasure of nonsense for the family after Mother’s Day dinner. So, once again, I present The Boxhead Scallywags…

Posted in Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Say What?

Posted on May 10, 2013 by

“Mom, you look like some sort of strange spider monkey in oversizedwtf! sunglasses and your armpits smell like the airport bar in the Philadelphia Airport, you know the one with the really good cheese fries? But you know what? I actually think it’s working for you.”

There’s nothing like a compliment from a 13-year-old girl to boost your self-esteem. Have I mentioned that I’m thinking about creating my own line of perfume? Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Cat Fight

Posted on May 8, 2013 by

Anna:  God, Mom! I’m so irritated today. Ugh!mad cat

Me:  Me, too. Must be the rain. Wanna fight?

Anna:  Ok. What should we fight about?

Me:  I don’t care. Go ahead, I’ll let you pick.

Anna:  Umm…how about how annoying it is when you & Dad totally stalk everything I do? You constantly check my grades, you read my texts, you look at my Instagram page. Let’s fight about my lack of privacy.

Me:  Good try, sweetie, but that sort of privacy is non-negotiable for a 13-year-old girl. Pick something realistic to fight about.

Anna:  How about how embarrassing your car is? Seriously, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a bright-white minivan. It’s a serial killer’s car.

Me:  Listen, I’m not that thrilled to be driving a minivan either, so I’m not going to fight you on that one, but I’ll disagree that it’s a serial killer’s car. I bet you can’t name a single serial killer that drives a white Honda Odyssey.

Anna:  Then, how about the fact that we never have anything good to eat in this house?

Me:  Forget it. Any additional junk food will just cause your brothers to break more stuff. I’ve got one! How about how you constantly leave your wet towels all over your bedroom floor? That always fires me up.

Anna:  Sorry, but I’ve picked mine up for the last 3 days. If you want someone to be mad at, I saw a wet towel on Will’s floor last night.

Me:  Fair enough. I’ll yell at him later. What about your test grade in English?

Anna:  No way! Dad yelled at me for about 5 hours last night. He already covered the “if you continue to get grades like that, you’ll be lucky to scrub toilets at McDonalds” speech. Pick something else.

Me:  How about your lunch box? I’m still mad that you lost it. That was an expensivelunch box lunch box!

Anna:  Hey, I didn’t lose it. It’s not my fault.

Me:  Of course, it’s your fault. Did you check the Lost & Found?

Anna:  Nah, I didn’t bother. Someone probably stole it. It’s not a big deal, just buy another one.

Me:  Maybe I’ll call the school and see if they’ll make an announcement about your missing lunch box. What do you think?

Anna:  Mom, don’t! They probably wouldn’t do it anyway.

Me:  Better yet, what if I go to the school and ask if I can make an announcement over the loud speaker? Maybe something like this…

“A very happy hello to all of you wonderful junior high students! This is Anna Kate’s mom. You may know me from my extremely-embarrassing-bright-white-serial-killer-looking minivan. Anyway, if you’ve accidentally stolen my daughter’s super-duper cute lunch box, go ahead and eat whatever remains inside, then please return it immediately. I’m offering a reward for it’s safe return in the form of junk food…a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese, a liter of Mountain Dew and a half-eaten bag of Sour Patch Kids which may contain my 10-year-old’s missing tooth. Thank you and have a lovely day.”surprise

Anna:  Don’t worry, I’ll check the Lost & Found today.

Me:  Good idea!

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | 30 Comments

Underwear Worms

Posted on May 6, 2013 by

Me:  Jay, did you shower?vintage underwear

Jay:  Yup.

Me:  Then how come only the back of your head is wet?

Jay:  I guess the front of my head dries fast.

Me:  Did you at least use soap?

Jay:  Yup.

Me:  Is that a true story?

Jay:  Sorta.

Me:  Are you wearing underwear?

Jay:  Yup.

Me:  Prove it.

Jay:  See?

Me:  Where’d you get those underwear?

Jay:  My drawer.

Me:  Well, that’s funny! I did laundry today because you didn’t have any clean underwear in your drawer. Let me see those again.

Jay:  Why are you so obsessed with my underwear today?

Me:  Because you have a sordid past when it comes to underwear.

Jay:  Mom, I’m wearing jeans. I’d never go commando in jeans. A guy could end up in the hospital for going commando in jeans. It’s just not safe.

Me:  Oh My God! I know what you did!wedgie 2

Jay:  What? What did I do?

Me:  Eww! You picked up Will’s dirty underwear off the bathroom floor and then put them on, didn’t you? Why would you do that?

Jay:  They sorta looked clean to me.

Me:  Jay! That’s disgusting! You can’t do that. You’ll end up with worms!

Jay:  Worms?

Me:  Yes, worms….underwear worms! It’s a well known fact that kids who wear dirty underwear get underwear worms. It’s the leading cause of death among 10-year-old boys.

Jay:  So I might die?

Me:  Well, I’d say there’s a pretty good shot if you continue to wear dirty underwear, especially other people’s dirty underwear. Going forward, I wouldn’t risk it if I were you.

Jay:  Mom, is that a true story?

Me:  Sorta. Now, go put on clean underwear!

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | 20 Comments

For the Love of Oscar Mayer

Posted on May 3, 2013 by

“Mom, you know how Dad is really good at cooking hot dogs?hot dog family                         Well, I think he should open a restaurant and call it Dad’s House of Wieners.”

I think there’s some truth to that old saying, “You are what you eat.”  Happy Friday, everyone!

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

You Stuck What Where?

Posted on April 10, 2013 by

Will:  It hurts!Dumb and Dumber

Me:   Well, of course it does. Why would you do something so stupid?

Will:  Jay told me to. Am I going to be ok?

Me:   I’m not sure at what point taking medical advice from your 10-year-old brother seemed like a good idea. He’s the same kid who’s convinced you can make soda by farting into a juice box.

Jay:  Hey! I heard that. I was just trying to help.

Me:   I appreciate you trying to help, but telling your brother to use a turkey baster to remove water from his ear is not a good idea.

Jay:  It seemed like something a doctor would do.

Me:   Last time I checked, they weren’t handing out medical degrees to 4th graders.

Jay:  Actually, you’re wrong. In places like China, there are really smart 8-year-olds performing brain surgery. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.

Me:  Don’t believe anything you hear on the bus. And anyway, you’re not from China and you’re not a doctor.

Jay:  No, but it would be pretty cool if I was. I’d ask everybody to call me Dr. Jay.

Will:  Ow! You’re killing me!

Me:   Please hold still and let me put in the drops.

Jay:  Is his ear busted up for good? Because if it is, it might be sorta cool if he had to learn sign language. Then he’d be bilingual. I hear that helps you get into college.

Will:  Oh my God! Am I going deaf? I don’t want to learn sign language!

Me:   Calm down! You’ll be fine. Just promise that you guys will never do anything this stupid again. Got it?

Jay:  Ok. We promise, but just so you know, that juice box thing really works. I haven’t perfected it yet, but I’m pretty close. The last time I tried, I found a few bubbles in my juice.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

You Better Let Her Sing

Jay:  Mom, you’re never gonna believe this, but today at recess, a bunch of girls on the playground called me over. They were standing in a group with their arms crossed and their hands on their hips. I was sorta scared to walk over because they all looked really mad. I think one girl was even chewing gum.

Me:  No, way! What did they say?

Jay:  They were all like…

“Hey, Jay! Come over here!”annoyed

“Umm, yeah?”

“You know what? We came to your house at Christmas time to sing carols and guess what? You. Weren’t. There.” 

“Oh. I wasn’t?”

“Nope. And we think that was really rude. Where were you?”

“Umm, I guess I wasn’t home.”

“Well, just so you know, we’re coming back next year and guess what else?

“What?”

“You. Better. Be. There.”

“Umm, ok.”

“Oh, and one more thing, Jay. When we sing…you better smile. Got it?”

“Umm, ok. Yeah.”

“Good. Now, go!”

Jay:  And Mom, I swear, when I walked away, one of them threw a piece of mulch at my head.

Aside | Posted on March 14, 2013 by | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Jerry Garcia Has Seen Me Naked

Posted on March 7, 2013 by

Will:  Mom, what’s up with the strange guy in the shower? I hate how he’s always staring at me.

Me:  Try not to make eye contact. Maybe you’ll forget he’s there.

Will:  I’ve tried. I’m thinking about wearing my bathing suit from now on. I don’t want him to see me naked. It’s disturbing.

Me:  He freaked me out the first time I caught him staring at me. After a while, you get used to him. Don’t worry, he’s completely harmless.

Will:  How long has he been in there?

Me:  Dad found him in the shower a few months after we moved in. He thinks he adds value to our house. Sometimes he shows him off to friends.

Will:  So, who is he, anyway?

Me:  Have you ever heard of the Grateful Dead?

Will:  The Walking Dead?

Me:  No, not The Walking Dead…the Grateful Dead. Although, on some levels, there might be similarites.

Will:  Can I show him to my friends?

Me:  Sure. Maybe we’ll advertise to the public. We’ll put a sign in our yard…

Come see the world famous Jerry Garcia in our shower…only $5 a peek! 

Maybe we’ll get Jerry Garcia to fund your college education.

IMG_1138Jerry Garcia

Can you see him? 

Posted in comedy, funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

He No Speak Chinese

Posted on March 1, 2013 by

Me:  Alright! Which one of you thought it would be a good idea to smear your dirty fingersdirty feet all over the inside of my car windows? You know, the same car windows I just cleaned?

Will:  Oh, that? That was me, but they’re not smears from my fingers.

Me:  They’re not?

Will:  Nope. They’re pretend Chinese words I wrote with my sweaty toes.

Happy Friday, everyone!  May your weekend be free of sweaty feet.

快乐星期五
Kuàilè xīngqíwǔ
Happy Friday translated into Chinese. I think.
Posted in comedy, funny kid quotes, Humor, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | 15 Comments

The Mama Lisa

Posted on February 27, 2013 by

Jay:  Mom, just so you know, I’m drawing your portrait right this very minute.

Me:  Ok, great.

Jay:  Try to act natural, just keep packing lunch. Oh, and while you’re at it, stick in a few extra packs of fruit snacks, would ya? They’re good to trade.

Me:  I thought you could get in trouble for trading food at lunch?

Jay:  Not if you don’t get caught.

Me:  Well, I don’t think you should risk it.

Jay:  C’mon, Mom. I’m a risk taker. I live my life dangerously.

Me:  Very funny.  

Jay:  Hey! No peeking.

Me:  Sorry.

Jay:  Ta-da! Let me present…The Mama Lisa.

IMG_1144

Me:  Wow! It’s lovely. I especially love my nose. Thank you.

Jay:  Sure thing. If you want, you can stick it in a frame and put it in a museum. I’ll be just like that guy, Leonardo DiCaprio.

Me: You mean, Leonardo da Vinci.

Jay:  Same thing, right?

Leonardo da VinciLeonardo DiCaprio

Posted in comedy, funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 25 Comments

Young American Wisdom Does The Harlem Shake

Posted on February 22, 2013 by

We couldn’t miss out on an opportunity to act completely ridiculous…grandparents included.

Posted in Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

Vitamin Boy

Posted on February 21, 2013 by

Jay:  Hey, Mom! Remember when I was little and crawled up on the counter and ate half a bottle of vitamins? I almost had to get my stomach pumped, right?

Me:  Yes, you did! I had to call Poison Control. I still can’t figure out how you got the bottle open.

Jay:  Well, me and Will just made a YouTube video about vitamins.

Me:  You made a video about vitamins? Is it completely ridiculous?

Jay:  Well, sorta. Here, just watch.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Asparagus, Rap and the Thousand Paper Cranes

Posted on February 13, 2013 by

Me:  Jay, please eat your asparagus.

Jay:  But it’s disgusting.

Me:  Just eat it. It’s good for you.Gangsta Jay

Jay:  I think it’s really unfair that everything that’s good for you has to taste so bad.

Me:  It’s just the way it is. Now, eat it. It helps you grow. Don’t you want to grow?

Jay:  Well, just so you know, I’m already taller than the World’s Smallest Man, so you don’t have to worry about that.

Me:  Then I take it you won’t be joining the circus?

Jay:  Nah. I mean, I thought about it, because I hear it’s a pretty good job, but I don’t think I could handle traveling with all those clowns. They freak me out.

Me:  I think that’s a wise decision. Now, please stop talking and start eating.

Jay:  So, I’m thinking that instead, I’ll probably be an author or an artist or maybe even a rapper. I mean, I can’t sing, but that doesn’t matter with rapping. It’s more like talking and I can do that.

Me:  Good idea, but seriously, stop talking and eat. I’m starting to get mad.

Jay:  And here’s another thing…I really think I could be a rapper, because you know how I made up that rap about the book we read in class, Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes? And then how I did the rap in front of the whole class?

Me:  EAT!

Jay:  Why are you yelling at me?

Me:  EAT! YOUR! ASPARAGUS! NOW!

Jay:  Well, everybody said it was good. Even my teacher told me that I write really good rhymes. And everybody knows you shouldn’t be a rapper if you bust out crappy rhymes. So, what do ya think?  Should I be a rapper?

Thousand Paper Cranes

Thousand Paper Cranes 3

Thousand Paper Cranes 2

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Don’t Answer The Phone…it’s embarrassing!

Posted on February 6, 2013 by

Me:  Anna Kate, Katy called. I told her you’d call her right back.phone call

AK:  She called on the house phone? That’s weird.

Me:  No. She called on your phone.

AK:  Oh My God, Mom! You answered my phone?

Me:  Of course, I did. I heard it ring, so I answered it.

AK:  Mom! Please don’t answer my phone. That’s so embarrassing!

Me:  What’s embarrassing?

AK:  You…answering my phone…is completely embarrassing! Oh My God…what did you even say?

Me:  Well, let’s see. First, I said, ”Hello?” Then, I said, “How are you?” And then, I told her how in kindergarten, you’d cry if you didn’t get to sit on the pink carpet square. Oh, and about that one time in First Grade when you accidentally wet your pants, but that’s all I said. I swear.

AK:  Oh My God, Mom! That’s not even funny.

Me:  C’mon, you have to admit it’s a little funny, but honestly, all I said was, “Hello?” I promise.

AK:  You’re so embarrassing.

Me:  Thank you. Now, please go to school or I’m going to have to drive you in my bathrobe and we all know how embarrassing that can be.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Don’t Touch My Toothbrush!

Posted on February 1, 2013 by

Me:  Jay, did you brush your teeth?

Jay:  Yup. If you don’t believe me, you can even ask Will.

Will:  He did. I saw him…using MY toothbrush!

Me:  Jay!

Jay:  What? I couldn’t find mine.

Will:  Mom, I can’t take it anymore! The kid uses my toothbrush, doesn’t rinse it and then leaves it on the back of the toilet. Plus, I found his flosser on the floor next to the toilet. It’s disgusting! You’ve gotta build another bathroom.

Jay:  Hey! That’s hurtful.

Me:  Jay, don’t use your brother’s toothbrush again. That’s how you spread germs.

Jay:  But I’m not even sick.

Me:  Just don’t do it, ok? It’s gross.

Jay:  You know, I’d let you guys use my toothbrush. I guess that just proves I’m a nicer person.

Will:  Jay, I’d let all of my teeth fall out before I used your toothbrush.

Jay:  Well, I find that extremely offensive. And you know what, Will? Because you’re being so mean and hateful, I’m not gonna invite you to my next Cheese Show.

Will:  Jay, honestly, I don’t even care.

Jay:  Actually, I think you will care because I wrote a beautiful inspiring story about cheese and now you’re never gonna hear it because you choose to be selfish with your toothbrush.

Cheese Cool!

Poem Cheese Cool

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

The Boxhead Scallywags

Posted on January 28, 2013 by

I will most likely regret this, but in a moment of weakness, I promised that I’d give them a plug. Plus, they promised to clean their rooms. So, here they are making their debut on YouTube… The Box Head Scallywags.

Keep your expectations low and please be kind.

Posted in comedy, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Happily Ever After

Posted on January 25, 2013 by

“Mom, when I grow up, I’m gonna marry a girl that likes to drink a lot ofJohn Belushi beer.”

At least he has goals.                                          Happy Friday, everyone. Cheers!

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids | Tagged , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Let’s Make A Deal

Posted on January 23, 2013 by

“Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. It’s only considered bribery when yourattlesnakes do it to the government. Then it’s illegal and you can get thrown in jail, I get that part. But, there’s nothing wrong with offering your brother and sister a little walking-around-cash from time to time, if you know what I mean. That’s perfectly legal. Now, how about another glass of chocolate milk?”

 

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Is That A Booger?

Posted on January 18, 2013 by

Jay:  Mom, you know how Katy Perry wrote that Firework song to inspirate people?

Me:  You mean to ‘inspire’ people?

A booger-free Katy Perry is an inpiration.
A booger-free Katy Perry is an inpiration.

Jay:  Yeah. That’s what I just said.

Me:  Oh, ok. Yes. I know the song.

Jay:  Well, I’m doing the same sorta thing. I’m writing a rap song called Boogers Up Your Nose. It’s for all the people who feel bad about themselves when they find out they’ve walked around all day with a booger hanging out of their nose. You know, to inspirate them.

Happy Friday, everyone! May your weekend be booger-free.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Cheesy Art Show

Posted on January 14, 2013 by

Art shows are the new rage in my home. The artist shows up to his event wearing his finest. He’s dressed to impress in a wrinkled dress shirt, basketball shorts, mismatched socks and loafers. Stray cookie crumbs decorate the corners of his mouth. There’s a good shot that he’s forgotten to brush his teeth, which I tell myself, isn’t due to his lack of concern over personal hygiene, but because he’s preoccupied by deep thoughts and creating creations.

The artwork is displayed on bedroom walls, hung lopsided with scotch tape and entirely too low for any adult to view without risk of a slipped disc. Instead of floating platters of hors d’oeuvres, mini bags of peanut M&M’s, leftover from Halloween, are chucked at guests. Unless you have quick hands, there’s a good chance you’ll end up with a black eye.

Ridiculously high prices are demanded, considering the artist is relatively unknown and  the collection was created in less than 15 minutes. Sometimes the artist tells a poop joke or two. It’s a classy event.

Since you missed it, here’s a sampling from the exhibit. Prepare to be dazzled.

Rainbow and the Cheese

Rainbow and the Cheese

Stand Alone Cheese

Stand Alone Cheese

Broccoli Sucks, Eat More Cheese

Broccoli Sucks. Eat More Cheese

Cheese in Love

Cheese in Love

Psychedelic Cheese in Oil Pastels

Psychedelic Cheese in Oil Pastels

Cheese Balls in Blue Bowl

Cheese Balls in Blue Bowl

And, of course, an art show wouldn’t be complete without a controversial piece. Let me present… The Nude.

The Nude

The Nude 

In case you’re wondering, The Nude was the most popular piece in the exhibit. It went for $1.50 and will be used in next year’s Christmas card, as it bears slight resemblance to baby Jesus.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 21 Comments

It Smells Like A Bad Bear

Posted on January 10, 2013 by

“Mom, I need to warn you. When you come to my school, DO NOT snuggle up to the giant teddy bear in Mrs. B’s class. I don’t care how cute you think he is, whatever you do, don’t go near him…he’s filled with 4th grade farts.”

I’m thankful that someone’s looking out for me. I wish I could say the same for the bear.

“So you think I should try tomato juice? Damn those little 4th graders. They’re animals!”Those damn kids won't stop farting on me!

Posted in Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

The Birds, The Bees And A Couple Of Milkshakes

Posted on January 8, 2013 by

Will:  Can someone pass the ketchup, please?

Me:  You know what, Will? I think you have that Sex-Ed talk coming up in school soon. Dad and I want to have a little chat with you before it starts, just in case you have some questions that you might feel awkward asking in school.

Will:  Mom, I’m finding this conversation extremely awkward already.

Dad:  Me, too! Let’s talk about something else.The Birds and the Bees

Will:   Sounds good to me.

Me:  Ok, fine, but just so you know, this conversation is in your future. Maybe we’ll go to dinner…me, you and dad. You can pick the place. It will be fun!

Dad:  How about just you and Will go? I’ll stay home. I dread these conversations.

Me:  Oh, no! You’re going. You’re not getting out of this one.

Anna:  I want to go!

Will:  No way! She’s not going.

Anna:  Will, you are going to die of embarrassment! Trust me…it was the worst week of my life. Some kids puked. I think one cried. You might want to wear a diaper.

Will:  Mom, make her stop!

Me:  Now, why would you tell him that? You’re scaring him. And, no, you’re not going. Somebody has to babysit Jay.

Jay:  Hey! That’s not fair. I wanna go. We can go to Chick-fil-A. I love their milkshakes.

Me:  I’ll get you a milkshake another time. You’re staying home.

Jay:  Well, I’m not staying with her. The last time Anna babysat, she threw the remote at my head and sent me to my room.

Anna:  That’s only because you weren’t listening. Duh! 

Dad:  So, that’s why the remote is broken?

Will:  I feel sick.

Dad:  Me, too.

Jay:  Can we have dessert now? I’m in the mood for a milkshake.

Me:  Don’t worry, Will. It’s not that bad. I promise.

Dad:  And, just so you know, whatever you’ve heard on the bus, is probably not true.

Anna:  Actually, some of it is true. Will, you are seriously going to die. Mom draws pictures. It’s mentally scarring. I’m pretty sure that’s why I now struggle in math.

Will:  Ya know what, Mom? Let’s avoid the awkward conversation where everyone’s uncomfortable and I want to die. How about you just text me, instead?

Dad:  Excellent idea! Then if you have any questions, you can text mom back. So, how about milkshakes for dessert?

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

No, I’m Not Dead

Posted on December 7, 2012 by

I’ve been a horrible blogger. It’s true. I mean well. I really do. Each day, I set out intending to hop on here and share some witty words of wisdom, but inevitably, I am sidetracked. Who would have guessed that this child raising thing would be so damn time-consuming?

The strangest thing is that my stats have actually increased in my absence. I wonder what that means?

Anyway, I shall return when you least expect it. It’s a promise. Plus, I miss our banter.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this very entertaining story with a good message.

Afro Bros

Afro Bros 1 Continue reading →

Posted in comedy, crazy kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

I Heard It On The Bus: XII

Posted on November 8, 2012 by

“Mom, did you know that you’ll have less stress in your life if you grow-up to be a professional poker player instead of the President of the United States? Plus, you’ll make more money and get to wear really cool sunglasses. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

Forget about the sunglasses, if I was a professional poker player, I’d have to wear a bag over my head. I have the world’s worst poker face. You should see me try and keep a straight face when I listen to the daily nonsense that comes off the bus each day.

Try checking out your own poker face and read the latest scoop from the bus. Let me know if you can keep a straight face. Fact or fiction? As always, I’ll let you be the judge.

1.  “Mom, did you know that baby harp seals happen when polar bears and blue whales mate? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

2.  “Mom, did you know that the new kid at school pops his pimples with his butt cheeks? It has something to do with his religion. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

3.  “Mom, did you know that it’s a well-known fact that Snoop Dogg, aka Snoop Lion, is related to Shakespeare? They say you can totally tell by the hair. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

4.  “Mom, did you know if you eat your best friend’s booger, you’ll sound exactly alike in the morning? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”     

5.  “Mom, did you know if you rub bacon grease into your armpits every morning, you’ll never have to wear glasses? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

6.  “Mom, did you know if you eat spinach while studying for a test, you’ll remember everything you studied? Plus, you’ll have farts so strong they’ll bruise whoever they come in contact with. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

7.  ”Mom, did you know that Play-Doh is made from recycled cat poop mixed with chewed-up bubble gum scraped from the sidewalks of New York City? That’s why it’s non-toxic. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”           

8.  “Mom, did you know if you stick 5 bucks in your letter to Santa, you’re more likely to get what’s on your list? Everybody appreciates a good tip, even Santa. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

9.  “Mom, did you know that sometimes rain is actually people’s pee blasting down on us from airplane toilets? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”   

10. ”Mom, did you know there’s a real-life lunch lady secret society cult where they sacrifice kids? The lunch ladies cook up the dead kid’s organs and then serve them in school cafeterias all across the nation. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”    

Behind on your I Heard It On The Bus reading? No worries, click below to catch-up.

I Heard It On The Bus

I Heard It On The Bus: Part II

I Heard It On The Bus: Part III

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IV

I Heard It On The Bus: Part V

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VI

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IX

I Heard It On The Bus: Part X

I Heard It On The Bus: Part XI

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Another Embarrassing Lunch

Posted on October 24, 2012 by

“Oh, man, Mom! You’re not making me bring that thermos to school, are you?”

“Of course I am? What’s wrong with it?”

“Look at it! It’s a crayon. You might as well send me to school in a diaper. I bet even the little kindergarteners will give me a hard time about this one.”

The following is an old post, but I thought it would go along well with this morning’s conversation. Plus, it cracks me up.

******

As parents, there are many ways we can ruin our children’s lives. The possibilities are endless. An embarrassing lunch, however, seems to have been overlooked and hasn’t been given enough attention. A poorly packed lunch can destroy a child’s life and ruin their reputation. Brown bag or lunch box? Water bottle or Gatorade? Aluminum foil or Saran Wrap? These are important questions parents must ask themselves before packing lunch. One slip-up and your child will end up in a therapist’s chair for a large portion of their 30′s.

Let’s discuss some possible “embarrassing lunches,” so we can all sleep a little easier at night knowing we’ve avoided at least one major parenting faux pas.

1.  A thermos of lukewarm vegetable soup to be eaten with a spaghetti-sauce-stained wooden spoon.  The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother sucks. Somebody, please shoot me.”

2.  An egg salad sandwich on pumpernickel, a carton of warm milk and a whole carrot, unpeeled. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I hate my mother. She wants me to be a loser.”

3.  A dishwasher-warped Tupperware container filled with leftover mashed potatoes, a thermos of water and half of a banana. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother is a social retard. Where can I find a new one?”

4.  A squashed cream cheese and jelly sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil, a box of raisins and three crumbly Fig Newton cookies. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”Kill me now. My mother has ruined my life.”

5.  A container of cottage cheese to be eaten with an Elmo spoon that’s been mangled from falling into the garbage disposal one too many times, a baggie of dried fruit and a slice of Velveeta cheese.  The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother hates me and doesn’t want me to have any friends.”

6.  Liverwurst spread on Saltine crackers, a baggie of prunes and a tapioca pudding. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother is a child abuser. Somebody call the social services.”

7.  A tuna fish sandwich made with the heels of a high-fiber bread, some celery sticks and a baggie of pickles. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I have the worst mother in the world. I need to change schools.”

8.  An olive loaf sandwich on marble rye, a baggie of Cheerios and a tomato still attached to the stem. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother wants me to be a social outcast.”

9.  Two cold hot dogs wrapped in Saran Wrap, a baggie of day old popcorn and a half-eaten oatmeal cookie. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I hate my life. My mother is the anti-christ.”

10.  A pink Barbie thermos filled with this morning’s leftover scrambled eggs, a buttered hot dog bun, and a baggie of wasabi flavored soy nuts. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…“I’m skipping town, changing my name and reinventing myself.”

I would love to hear your own embarrassing lunch stories. Mine was #4 in the 5th grade. Did I mention that I’m currently in therapy?

Posted in comedy, funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

Mr. McFarty Pants

Posted on October 19, 2012 by

“Mom, when I grow-up, I’m gonna invent a Fart Detector to bust all the people who lie about farting. Then, I’m gonna write a book called The Fart Finder. It’s about this guy named Mr. McFarty Pants who travels the world in search of rare farts and then captures them in coffee cans. I bet someone would give me like a million bucks for that and then I can buy myself a Lamborghini.”

Oh, thank God! That’s one less kid I need to send to college. Happy Friday!

 

 

 

 

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Totally Craptastic!

Posted on October 12, 2012 by

“Mom, just so you know…the toilet paper in this house isn’t working. Oh, and by the way, I decided that on Crazy Mismatch Day, I’m gonna wear my underwear on the outside of my clothes.” Jay-10

Happy Friday, everyone!

Posted in crazy kid quotes, funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

A Writing Hangover

Posted on October 4, 2012 by

I find writing to be a lot like drinking. After a cocktail or two, I feel like the most fascinating person in the world. Sorta like the Dos Equis guy, only less mannish and minus the accent. It’s not until the next morning, when I’m left with a slight headache, that I realize I was less like the Dos Equis guy and more like Homer Simpson with a donut shoved in his mouth. “D’oh!”

Like the time I was doing some crazy no-carb diet and accidentally drank too much at my nephew’s First Holy Communion celebration. Feeling no pain and shielded by a suit of armor made of fermented grapes aged in french oak, I challenged the guests to a “kick-ass” game of Quarters, using a special reserve Cabernet, served in Waterford crystal goblets. Disappointed in my lackluster performance or the fact that I almost choked on the quarter, I then declared my undying love for Champagne, downed a bottle and proceeded to refer to other people’s children as “little a**holes.” Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention that I had to be whisked out the backdoor by my husband who decided that he had seen enough of my shenanigans for one evening.

Nope. Not one of my finer moments. I’ll let you imagine how I felt the next morning when I had to make the call-of-shame to apologize for my bad behavior. I still cringe and consider fleeing the country every time I think about that night.

Strangely enough, I have a similar experience when I write. I get what I think is a brilliant idea, write it down and congratulate myself on my witty sense of humor. Flooded with euphoria, I briefly imagine some person of extreme power and wealth spying my fabulousness and offering to pay me a bazillion dollars for my knack for nonsense. I smile, spy the Publish button in the upper right hand corner of my screen and click it with confidence.  Then it happens. ”D’oh!”

I’m startled as I hear a rustling sound and witness a nasty creature called Insecurity slither out from under the desk and snake up the back of my chair. He winds himself around my neck and flicks his serpent-like tongue at my cheek before disappearing into my ear. The evil bastard then wreaks havoc on my brain, leaving me riddled with self-doubt and poisoned with insecurity. I now regret hitting the Publish button almost as much as that mortifying night of Cabernet Quarters.

It’s at this moment that I imagine friends and family getting together just to talk about me. “Can you believe she writes such crap? Let’s not invite her to the next dinner party.”

I picture my shamed parents putting their house on the market, relocating to Del Boca Vista and requesting an unlisted number that they give only to my brother. “Brian, no matter how much she begs, don’t give it to her!”

I start to worry about the impending blogging doom. I’m afraid to check my WordPress stats for fear that they’re in the toilet and I’m losing followers faster than I lose my mind at homework time.

I think I hear my husband’s key in the door, which is odd because it’s midmorning. Clear as day, I imagine him carrying a cardboard box filled with personal belongings, framed pictures of fat round babies poking out of the top of the box. The door opens, he looks at me, shakes his head and says, “Nance, Corporate saw it. What the hell were you thinking?”

And, again, I cringe and consider fleeing the country.

Posted in Blogging, Humor, Life, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 41 Comments

I Heard It On The Bus: Part XI

Posted on September 28, 2012 by

I recently received the loveliest rejection letter from the editor of MAD Magazine for my submission of I Heard It On The Bus. I know, you don’t usually associate the word lovely with MAD Magazine or rejection, but honestly, their thanks-but-no-thanks letter left me with a smile rather than the need to curl up into the fetal position and sob. Sadly, I can’t say the same for my boys.

“We found it sweet and whimsical, but a little too sweet for MAD.  Some version of it would have worked for MAD Kids, but publication of that title ceased three years ago.”

Spurred on by the fact that they didn’t say, “This crap totally sucks. You stink!” I’m continuing to nose around for the entertaining nonsense being passed around on the big yellow bus. So, without further ado, I give you the latest I Heard It On The Bus.

1.  “Mom, did you know that in some foreign countries, people use ear wax instead of Chapstick?” It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

2.  “Mom, did you know that boogers are like snowflakes? No two are ever alike. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

3.  ”Mom, did you know if you eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich while sitting on the toilet, you’ll have a baby? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” 

4.  “Mom, did you know it’s against the law if you don’t wear underwear to school. The school nurse keeps a stash of underwear in her desk drawer for the kids who forget. As punishment, she makes the boys wear pink princess underwear in toddler sizes. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

5.  “Mom, did you know that mermaids are real? And, I don’t mean the ones like Ariel. I mean the evil ones who want to kill kids and eat them. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”   

6.  “Mom, did you know that shouting at food makes it cook faster? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

7.  “Mom, did you know that kids who snort up their boogers instead of blowing their nose, end up pooping worms? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

8.  “Mom, did you know if you eat a pickle before you go to sleep, you’ll have nightmares and wet the bed? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

9.  “Mom, did you know if you put a bag of Sour Patch Kids into a can of Mountain Dew and drink it, you’ll be able to fart a hole through your math homework? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

10. “Mom, did you know it’s a well-known fact that spiders crawl into your mouth while you sleep? Most of the time they just pee, but every once in a while they lay eggs, too. That’s why people have morning breath. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”  

Fact or Fiction? As usual, I’ll let you be the judge.

For past episodes of I Heard It On The Bus, click below…

I Heard It On The Bus

I Heard It On The Bus: Part II

I Heard It On The Bus: Part III

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IV

I Heard It On The Bus: Part V

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VI

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IX

I Heard It On The Bus: Part X

Posted in crazy kid quotes, funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Does Medicare Pay For Playboy?

Posted on September 24, 2012 by

RING, RING…

“Hello?”

“Nancy, it’s your 78-year-old mother-in-law. Listen, I need you to tell me where I can buy a Playboy magazine.” 

“Excuse me? Did you just ask me where to buy pornography?”

“Yes, dear. I haven’t a clue where to buy that sorta thing. Did you know you can’t buy Playboy at the grocery store?”

“No, I guess you can’t, now tell me…why, exactly, do you need a Playboy magazine?”

“I need it for a big neighborhood bash we’re having. We live in a very progressive neighborhood, you know.”

“You’re right about that. Last week I waved to the gentleman on the corner. He was parked in his wheelchair in the driveway reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Try Barnes & Noble. They have a huge magazine selection.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful. I’ll shoot right over after church. It’s our neighbor Joe’s 82nd birthday. He’ll be thrilled. He has Alzheimer’s and needs a bit of help remembering a few things.”

Posted in Humor, Life, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

The Insane Mom

Posted on September 21, 2012 by

“Jay, what’s this?”

“Oh, that? It’s just a little something I’ve been working on. Hey, but don’t worry…it’s not about you. I swear!”

 

Should I be concerned?

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Are You Gonna Eat That?

Posted on September 20, 2012 by

“Mom, are you pregnant? I’ve noticed how much you’ve been eating lately.”

This is what I said…

“No…I am not, young lady! And listen to me, it’s never polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant…even your own mother!”

But this is what I thought…

“Hell no! WTF kinda question is that? Have you lost your mind, child? Didn’t you see me drinking a giant glass of wine while I indulged in seconds during dinner last night? So what if I’ve been a little hungry?  Now leave me alone, you nosey kid, so I can eat my second cream cheese laden bagel in peace. Be gone!”

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Comments

Answer Promptly With A Smile

Posted on September 17, 2012 by

“Will, you need to call Billy. The poor kid’s called here 3 times. He needs the homework assignment for English. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Here’s the phone. Now remember, you can’t continue to call people and say, ‘Hey, it’s me. Who’s this?’ It’s rude and you don’t want to be known as the ‘rude kid.’ Right?”

“Right.”

RING, RING…CLICK

“What happened? Why’d you hang up?”

“I got the answering machine.”

“Why didn’t you leave a message?”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“Will! We’ve been over this a thousand times! You say, ‘Hi. This is Will. I’m returning Billy’s call. He can call me at home when it’s convenient. Thank you. Good bye.’ This is simple stuff.” 

“I can’t say that! It sounds weird…like I’m trying to be a grown-up or something.”

“Well, that’s sorta the point, but go ahead and say it in your own words. Just be polite! Got it?”

“Got it.”

RING, RING

“Uh, yeah. Hey, um…it’s me. Uh, calling you…because I guess you called me. So, I’m calling you back for whatever reason you called because I don’t really know why. Ok? That’s why I’m calling you…to find out. So, uh…call me to tell me what you want. Ok? So, um…that’s about it.”

CLICK

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Go Ahead, Quit Your Day Job

Posted on September 14, 2012 by

“Dad, does is totally suck to have to go to work everyday?”

“No, I wouldn’t say that, but I’d much rather hang out with you guys all day. And, by the way, watch your mouth, mister.”

“So, they don’t give you recess or nothing?”

“Nope. No recess”

“You know what, Dad? If I had a crappy sorta job like yours, I’d make everybody go out to the parking lot at 9:00 everyday and play kickball. Then, if I got bored in the afternoon, I’d sneak around the office and make funny videos and put ‘em on YouTube. I’d probably get like a million hits and then somebody would wanna make it a real movie and pay me a bunch of money. Then I’d quit my crappy job.” 

“Thanks, buddy. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“No problem, Dad.”

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Is Your Refrigerator Running?

Posted on September 13, 2012 by

“Will, did you take your cell phone, which is supposed to be used for emergencies only, to school and prank call your sister from the bus this morning?”

“I did…we thought it would be funny!”

“Who’s ‘we?’”

“Everybody on the bus.”

“You are aware that your sister starts school 45 minutes before you do, right?”

“I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

“Did you realize she was in the middle of her English class and her cell phone, which was ‘accidentally’ left on, was in her backpack at the back of the class?”

“Well, no. I guess I never really thought about that part either.”

“Now tell me, exactly how many times did you prank call your sister?”

“Probably about 20. Am I in trouble?”

“What do you think?” 

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

He Ain’t No Fred Astaire

Posted on September 12, 2012 by

“Mom, if you make me sign-up for Ballroom dancing at school, I’ll be forced to run away, probably to Mexico and then you’ll be down to just 2 kids. I thought you should know.” Will-11

As tempting as this may sound, I’d really miss the kid.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments

Slightly Clueless

Posted on September 10, 2012 by

“Mom, I think it would be really hard to start-up a new country. I mean, think of how stressful it would be to come up with a national anthem. And, what about all the pressure involved in designing a new flag? I have anxiety just thinking about it!”

She’s only slightly clueless. I swear.  

“Oh, and by the way, I really love my history class. We do a lot of art.”        Anna – “almost 13″

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting, Plight | Tagged , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

I’m Seriously Serious

Posted on September 5, 2012 by

“Mom, I always put an exclamation point after my name so that people will know to take me seriously.”

I think there are more than a few politicians out there that should consider this same approach.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

I Heard It On The Bus: Part X

Posted on August 28, 2012 by

“Mom, did you know that the best kind of teachers are the ones that laugh at your jokes and don’t send you to the principal’s office? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

In celebration of the start of school and the return of the big yellow bus, I thought it would be fitting to resume my blogging career with the latest scoop from the back of the bus. Fact or fiction? I’ll let you be the judge.

1.  “Mom, did you know the way a person butters their toast tell you a lot about the way they play sports? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

2.  “Mom, did you know that if you fart on your sister’s pillow before she goes to bed, she’ll grow chest hair overnight? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

3.  “Mom, did you know that during the summer, most school bus drivers make voodoo dolls of all the kids they secretly hate? That’s why so many kids get sunburn over the summer. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”    

4.  “Mom, did you know it’s a well-known fact that listening to rap music before breakfast causes brain damage? That’s why you should always wait until after lunch. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

5.  “Mom, did you know that thousands of kids are hospitalized each summer for brain freeze injuries? Red freeze pops cause the most damage. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

6.  “Mom, did you know that some people from foreign countries like to tan their armpits? They consider their pits to be their best feature. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

7.  “Mom, did you know that most robbers live in tree houses when they break out of jail? That’s why it’s always a good idea to check the trees in your yard before you head to bed. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

8.  ”Mom, did you know if you hold in a sneeze, you’re likely to rupture a testicle? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

9.  “Mom, did you know that a blind, three-legged hamster is considered good luck? Especially when you carry it around in your back pocket. It increases your chances of winning the lottery. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

10. “Mom, did you know that instead of taking swim lessons, you can sprinkle fish food on your sheets before you go to bed? In the morning you’ll swim like Michael Phelps. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”  

I hope you all had fun and relaxing summers. For past I Heard It On The Bus episodes, click below. You’ll be glad you did.

I Heard It On The Bus

I Heard It On The Bus: Part II

I Heard It On The Bus: Part III

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IV

I Heard It On The Bus: Part V

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VI

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IX

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Jayisms

Posted on May 25, 2012 by

“Mom, I’m thinking about starting my own blog. I’ve got a lot of important stuff to say.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, but I’m having a hard time picking a title. If you let me, this is what I’m thinking…

No, you can’t borrow my sunglasses.

1.  My Stupid Sister

2.  My Stupid Brother

3.  My Sister and Brother Are Stupid

4.  Things To Do and Say That Make Your Sister Crazy

5.  Places To Hide After You Make Your Sister Really Mad

6.  Why It Stinks Being The Youngest Kid In The Family

7.  Rip-Offs That Make Kids Mad

8.  Good Jobs To Get When You Grow Up

9.  Why Trolls Make Good Toys And Other Important Things

10. How To Make Swords With Stuff You Find In Your Backyard

So what da ya think, Mom? Will you let me?”  Jay-9

Readers, I need your help. Should I let him, and if I do, what’s your favorite title? A word to the wise, I wouldn’t vote for My Stupid Sister or My Stupid Brother. Jay hasn’t thought this through, but he’ll be unable to blog due to the fact that he’ll be in hiding.   

They’ll never find me here.

Posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , | 22 Comments