Every time I need a little pick-me-up, I check out Jay’s desk for his latest creation.
Happy Friday, everyone! Wishing you all a disappointment-free weekend.
Every time I need a little pick-me-up, I check out Jay’s desk for his latest creation.
Happy Friday, everyone! Wishing you all a disappointment-free weekend.
Jay: Mom, I seriously wish math would stop crapping up my life.
Me: Jay, math is important. It helps your brain develop.
Jay: It hurts my brain, that’s what it does. Can’t I just skip it?
Me: You’re in 5th grade. You can’t skip math. It’s against the law.
Jay: How about if I just skip fractions? C’mon, write the school a little note explaining that it makes my brain hurt. I’ll sit in the nurse’s office during math.
Me: Stop being ridiculous.
Jay: Why do I even have to know this stuff anyway? It’s not like I’m gonna be some boring bank dude. No offense or anything, Dad. That type of job is good for you.
Dad: Gee, thanks, Jay.
Jay: What I mean is, that’s just not who I am. I wanna be an artist or a writer or even a comedian. You don’t need math for any of that stuff.
Dad: Sure you do.
Jay: Maybe if you plan on being a Math Comedian and then your jokes would be like, “So, the 4 walked up to the 6 at the bar and said, ‘Hey, baby! Let’s multiply.’”
Happy Friday, everyone!. May your weekend be math-free…especially for those “boring bank dudes.” Poor guys. ;)
Will: Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. I never thought the kid would actually eat the worm. And besides, he technically never ate it. He just popped it in his mouth and let it squirm around.
Me: Oh my God!
Will: And anyway, there’s no way I’m paying him the 5 bucks. The kid totally cheated.
Me: Will! I swear, if you ever dare your brother and his friends to do something like this again, you’re a dead man. I mean, think about it…what do you think is going to happen when he goes home and tells his mom he was over here chewing on worms? How am I suppose to explain that one?
Will: Maybe you shouldn’t answer the phone.
Me: You know what? I’m making you take that call. And for God’s sake, this is serious…stop smiling!
Will: I can’t help it. It was hilarious.
Me: What is wrong with you? There is nothing even remotely funny about this. Do you have any idea how many kids die each year from eating worms?
Will: C’mon, Mom. Nobody dies from eating worms. Haven’t you ever watched Man Vs. Wild? They’re packed with protein.
Me: Well, that’s where you’re wrong, mister. Thousands of kids die each year from worm eating.
Me: Seriously. It’s all over the news. Do you really want to live with that kind of guilt? Think about the amount of prison time you’d have to serve. And let’s be honest here, orange is not your best color.
Will: Hey! Now that’s just mean.
“Mom, I’ve gotta write a little autobiography. You know, it’s that thing where you write down a bunch of junk about yourself. Anyway, check mine out. I think it’s pretty good.”
“Mom, whenever you think someone seems too perfect, just snoop through their bathroom drawers until you find their anti-diarrhea medicine and then you’ll feel much better about yourself. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
Actually, a dose of anti-diarrhea medicine sounds like it might hit the spot right now considering the end of the school year always leaves me feeling like I’m trying to shove 50 pounds of sh*t into a 5 pound bag. But have no fear, summer is right around the corner and to celebrate this, I thought it was the perfect time to find out the latest scoop being passed around on the big yellow bus. Fact or fiction? As always, I’ll let you be the judge.
1. “Mom, do you know why those guys in the gym have such big muscles? It’s because they’re addicted to eating hemorrhoids. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
2. “Mom, did you now that guinea pigs make the best pets? They’re super social, you can teach them to talk, they rarely poop and if they do…it always smells like butterflies. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
3. “Mom, did you know that you should never wear socks to bed? It’s bad for your heart. That’s why so many people have heart attacks during the winter. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
4. “Mom, did you know that moles are just small chunks of trapped poop? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
5. “Mom, did you know that if you put a purple Skittle in your belly-button when you go to bed, you’ll dream about the person you’re suppose to marry? The only catch is that you might not remember your dream when you wake-up. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
6. “Mom, did you know that you should never eat the brown spots on a banana? If you do, there’s a good chance your penis will fall right off. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
7. “Mom, did you know that if a person ends up being short, the government sends them a cute little monkey to help with the stuff they can’t reach? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
8. “Mom, do you know what happens when a kid forgets his lunchbox on the bus? The bus driver takes it home, fills it with farts and returns it the next day. They do it because the secretly hate kids. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
9. “Mom, did you know it’s a well-known fact that you can measure a teacher’s meaness by the size of their ears? The smaller the ears, the meaner the teacher. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
10. “Mom, did you know if you wipe a booger on the back of a bus seat it will crystallize into a diamond over summer break? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
Afraid you may have missed some gossip on the big yellow bus? No worries, click below to stay current.
Anna: Mom, when do you think you guys will be home?
Me: We’re having dessert now. Why? What’s wrong?
Anna: Well, nothing serious, it’s just that Jay thinks he might be having a heart attack.
Anna: Yup, he says his heart is beating fast and his arms are tingly, but I really don’t think it’s a big deal. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to call an ambulance.
Me: Oh my God! Put your brother on the phone.
Jay: Mom, when are you coming home? I’m scared.
Me: What’s going on, Jay? Are you ok?
Jay: I was fine until the part in the movie where the giant shark eats the boy.
Jay: I can feel my heart beating really fast. I’ve never seen so much blood!
Me: Put your sister on the phone…NOW!
Me: What the hell are you watching?
Me: You’re suppose to be babysitting your little brother! What would possess you to put on Jaws? You know he freaks out at the sight of his own blood.
Anna: It was totally his idea. He made me put it on. You know, it’s amazing how much better special effects are today.
Me: He made you?
Anna: Well, he promised not to get scared. He even swore it on the Holy Bible. Actually, he swore on an old dictionary because I couldn’t find the Bible, but I don’t think he noticed.
Me: Turn it off now!
Anna: Don’t worry. We only watched it up to the part where they blow up the shark. You know, I think Jay might have started sucking his thumb again.
Me: We’re leaving now.
Anna: Are you mad?
Me: What do you think?
Anna: I’m just wondering if this is going to effect how much you were planning on paying me?
I agreed to help out Will & Jay by giving them another plug for their latest YouTube creation. They debuted this little treasure of nonsense for the family after Mother’s Day dinner. So, once again, I present The Boxhead Scallywags…
“Mom, you look like some sort of strange spider monkey in oversized sunglasses and your armpits smell like the airport bar in the Philadelphia Airport, you know the one with the really good cheese fries? But you know what? I actually think it’s working for you.”
There’s nothing like a compliment from a 13-year-old girl to boost your self-esteem. Have I mentioned that I’m thinking about creating my own line of perfume? Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!
Me: Me, too. Must be the rain. Wanna fight?
Anna: Ok. What should we fight about?
Me: I don’t care. Go ahead, I’ll let you pick.
Anna: Umm…how about how annoying it is when you & Dad totally stalk everything I do? You constantly check my grades, you read my texts, you look at my Instagram page. Let’s fight about my lack of privacy.
Me: Good try, sweetie, but that sort of privacy is non-negotiable for a 13-year-old girl. Pick something realistic to fight about.
Anna: How about how embarrassing your car is? Seriously, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a bright-white minivan. It’s a serial killer’s car.
Me: Listen, I’m not that thrilled to be driving a minivan either, so I’m not going to fight you on that one, but I’ll disagree that it’s a serial killer’s car. I bet you can’t name a single serial killer that drives a white Honda Odyssey.
Anna: Then, how about the fact that we never have anything good to eat in this house?
Me: Forget it. Any additional junk food will just cause your brothers to break more stuff. I’ve got one! How about how you constantly leave your wet towels all over your bedroom floor? That always fires me up.
Anna: Sorry, but I’ve picked mine up for the last 3 days. If you want someone to be mad at, I saw a wet towel on Will’s floor last night.
Me: Fair enough. I’ll yell at him later. What about your test grade in English?
Anna: No way! Dad yelled at me for about 5 hours last night. He already covered the “if you continue to get grades like that, you’ll be lucky to scrub toilets at McDonalds” speech. Pick something else.
Anna: Hey, I didn’t lose it. It’s not my fault.
Me: Of course, it’s your fault. Did you check the Lost & Found?
Anna: Nah, I didn’t bother. Someone probably stole it. It’s not a big deal, just buy another one.
Me: Maybe I’ll call the school and see if they’ll make an announcement about your missing lunch box. What do you think?
Anna: Mom, don’t! They probably wouldn’t do it anyway.
Me: Better yet, what if I go to the school and ask if I can make an announcement over the loud speaker? Maybe something like this…
“A very happy hello to all of you wonderful junior high students! This is Anna Kate’s mom. You may know me from my extremely-embarrassing-bright-white-serial-killer-looking minivan. Anyway, if you’ve accidentally stolen my daughter’s super-duper cute lunch box, go ahead and eat whatever remains inside, then please return it immediately. I’m offering a reward for it’s safe return in the form of junk food…a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese, a liter of Mountain Dew and a half-eaten bag of Sour Patch Kids which may contain my 10-year-old’s missing tooth. Thank you and have a lovely day.”
Anna: Don’t worry, I’ll check the Lost & Found today.
Me: Good idea!
Me: Then how come only the back of your head is wet?
Jay: I guess the front of my head dries fast.
Me: Did you at least use soap?
Me: Is that a true story?
Me: Are you wearing underwear?
Me: Prove it.
Me: Where’d you get those underwear?
Jay: My drawer.
Me: Well, that’s funny! I did laundry today because you didn’t have any clean underwear in your drawer. Let me see those again.
Jay: Why are you so obsessed with my underwear today?
Me: Because you have a sordid past when it comes to underwear.
Jay: Mom, I’m wearing jeans. I’d never go commando in jeans. A guy could end up in the hospital for going commando in jeans. It’s just not safe.
Jay: What? What did I do?
Me: Eww! You picked up Will’s dirty underwear off the bathroom floor and then put them on, didn’t you? Why would you do that?
Jay: They sorta looked clean to me.
Me: Jay! That’s disgusting! You can’t do that. You’ll end up with worms!
Me: Yes, worms….underwear worms! It’s a well known fact that kids who wear dirty underwear get underwear worms. It’s the leading cause of death among 10-year-old boys.
Jay: So I might die?
Me: Well, I’d say there’s a pretty good shot if you continue to wear dirty underwear, especially other people’s dirty underwear. Going forward, I wouldn’t risk it if I were you.
Jay: Mom, is that a true story?
Me: Sorta. Now, go put on clean underwear!
I think there’s some truth to that old saying, “You are what you eat.” Happy Friday, everyone!
Me: Well, of course it does. Why would you do something so stupid?
Will: Jay told me to. Am I going to be ok?
Me: I’m not sure at what point taking medical advice from your 10-year-old brother seemed like a good idea. He’s the same kid who’s convinced you can make soda by farting into a juice box.
Jay: Hey! I heard that. I was just trying to help.
Me: I appreciate you trying to help, but telling your brother to use a turkey baster to remove water from his ear is not a good idea.
Jay: It seemed like something a doctor would do.
Me: Last time I checked, they weren’t handing out medical degrees to 4th graders.
Jay: Actually, you’re wrong. In places like China, there are really smart 8-year-olds performing brain surgery. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.
Me: Don’t believe anything you hear on the bus. And anyway, you’re not from China and you’re not a doctor.
Jay: No, but it would be pretty cool if I was. I’d ask everybody to call me Dr. Jay.
Will: Ow! You’re killing me!
Me: Please hold still and let me put in the drops.
Jay: Is his ear busted up for good? Because if it is, it might be sorta cool if he had to learn sign language. Then he’d be bilingual. I hear that helps you get into college.
Will: Oh my God! Am I going deaf? I don’t want to learn sign language!
Me: Calm down! You’ll be fine. Just promise that you guys will never do anything this stupid again. Got it?
Jay: Ok. We promise, but just so you know, that juice box thing really works. I haven’t perfected it yet, but I’m pretty close. The last time I tried, I found a few bubbles in my juice.
Jay: Mom, you’re never gonna believe this, but today at recess, a bunch of girls on the playground called me over. They were standing in a group with their arms crossed and their hands on their hips. I was sorta scared to walk over because they all looked really mad. I think one girl was even chewing gum.
Me: No, way! What did they say?
Jay: They were all like…
“You know what? We came to your house at Christmas time to sing carols and guess what? You. Weren’t. There.”
“Oh. I wasn’t?”
“Nope. And we think that was really rude. Where were you?”
“Umm, I guess I wasn’t home.”
“Well, just so you know, we’re coming back next year and guess what else?
“You. Better. Be. There.”
“Oh, and one more thing, Jay. When we sing…you better smile. Got it?”
“Umm, ok. Yeah.”
“Good. Now, go!”
Jay: And Mom, I swear, when I walked away, one of them threw a piece of mulch at my head.
Will: Mom, what’s up with the strange guy in the shower? I hate how he’s always staring at me.
Me: Try not to make eye contact. Maybe you’ll forget he’s there.
Will: I’ve tried. I’m thinking about wearing my bathing suit from now on. I don’t want him to see me naked. It’s disturbing.
Me: He freaked me out the first time I caught him staring at me. After a while, you get used to him. Don’t worry, he’s completely harmless.
Will: How long has he been in there?
Me: Dad found him in the shower a few months after we moved in. He thinks he adds value to our house. Sometimes he shows him off to friends.
Will: So, who is he, anyway?
Me: Have you ever heard of the Grateful Dead?
Will: The Walking Dead?
Me: No, not The Walking Dead…the Grateful Dead. Although, on some levels, there might be similarites.
Will: Can I show him to my friends?
Me: Sure. Maybe we’ll advertise to the public. We’ll put a sign in our yard…
Come see the world famous Jerry Garcia in our shower…only $5 a peek!
Maybe we’ll get Jerry Garcia to fund your college education.
Can you see him?
Will: Oh, that? That was me, but they’re not smears from my fingers.
Me: They’re not?
Will: Nope. They’re pretend Chinese words I wrote with my sweaty toes.
Happy Friday, everyone! May your weekend be free of sweaty feet.
Jay: Mom, just so you know, I’m drawing your portrait right this very minute.
Me: Ok, great.
Jay: Try to act natural, just keep packing lunch. Oh, and while you’re at it, stick in a few extra packs of fruit snacks, would ya? They’re good to trade.
Me: I thought you could get in trouble for trading food at lunch?
Jay: Not if you don’t get caught.
Me: Well, I don’t think you should risk it.
Jay: C’mon, Mom. I’m a risk taker. I live my life dangerously.
Me: Very funny.
Jay: Hey! No peeking.
Jay: Ta-da! Let me present…The Mama Lisa.
Me: Wow! It’s lovely. I especially love my nose. Thank you.
Jay: Sure thing. If you want, you can stick it in a frame and put it in a museum. I’ll be just like that guy, Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: You mean, Leonardo da Vinci.
Jay: Same thing, right?
We couldn’t miss out on an opportunity to act completely ridiculous…grandparents included.
Jay: Hey, Mom! Remember when I was little and crawled up on the counter and ate half a bottle of vitamins? I almost had to get my stomach pumped, right?
Me: Yes, you did! I had to call Poison Control. I still can’t figure out how you got the bottle open.
Jay: Well, me and Will just made a YouTube video about vitamins.
Me: You made a video about vitamins? Is it completely ridiculous?
Jay: Well, sorta. Here, just watch.
Me: Jay, please eat your asparagus.
Jay: But it’s disgusting.
Jay: I think it’s really unfair that everything that’s good for you has to taste so bad.
Me: It’s just the way it is. Now, eat it. It helps you grow. Don’t you want to grow?
Jay: Well, just so you know, I’m already taller than the World’s Smallest Man, so you don’t have to worry about that.
Me: Then I take it you won’t be joining the circus?
Jay: Nah. I mean, I thought about it, because I hear it’s a pretty good job, but I don’t think I could handle traveling with all those clowns. They freak me out.
Me: I think that’s a wise decision. Now, please stop talking and start eating.
Jay: So, I’m thinking that instead, I’ll probably be an author or an artist or maybe even a rapper. I mean, I can’t sing, but that doesn’t matter with rapping. It’s more like talking and I can do that.
Me: Good idea, but seriously, stop talking and eat. I’m starting to get mad.
Jay: And here’s another thing…I really think I could be a rapper, because you know how I made up that rap about the book we read in class, Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes? And then how I did the rap in front of the whole class?
Jay: Why are you yelling at me?
Me: EAT! YOUR! ASPARAGUS! NOW!
Jay: Well, everybody said it was good. Even my teacher told me that I write really good rhymes. And everybody knows you shouldn’t be a rapper if you bust out crappy rhymes. So, what do ya think? Should I be a rapper?
AK: She called on the house phone? That’s weird.
Me: No. She called on your phone.
AK: Oh My God, Mom! You answered my phone?
Me: Of course, I did. I heard it ring, so I answered it.
AK: Mom! Please don’t answer my phone. That’s so embarrassing!
Me: What’s embarrassing?
AK: You…answering my phone…is completely embarrassing! Oh My God…what did you even say?
Me: Well, let’s see. First, I said, ”Hello?” Then, I said, “How are you?” And then, I told her how in kindergarten, you’d cry if you didn’t get to sit on the pink carpet square. Oh, and about that one time in First Grade when you accidentally wet your pants, but that’s all I said. I swear.
AK: Oh My God, Mom! That’s not even funny.
Me: C’mon, you have to admit it’s a little funny, but honestly, all I said was, “Hello?” I promise.
AK: You’re so embarrassing.
Me: Thank you. Now, please go to school or I’m going to have to drive you in my bathrobe and we all know how embarrassing that can be.
Me: Jay, did you brush your teeth?
Jay: Yup. If you don’t believe me, you can even ask Will.
Will: He did. I saw him…using MY toothbrush!
Jay: What? I couldn’t find mine.
Will: Mom, I can’t take it anymore! The kid uses my toothbrush, doesn’t rinse it and then leaves it on the back of the toilet. Plus, I found his flosser on the floor next to the toilet. It’s disgusting! You’ve gotta build another bathroom.
Jay: Hey! That’s hurtful.
Me: Jay, don’t use your brother’s toothbrush again. That’s how you spread germs.
Jay: But I’m not even sick.
Me: Just don’t do it, ok? It’s gross.
Jay: You know, I’d let you guys use my toothbrush. I guess that just proves I’m a nicer person.
Will: Jay, I’d let all of my teeth fall out before I used your toothbrush.
Jay: Well, I find that extremely offensive. And you know what, Will? Because you’re being so mean and hateful, I’m not gonna invite you to my next Cheese Show.
Will: Jay, honestly, I don’t even care.
Jay: Actually, I think you will care because I wrote a beautiful inspiring story about cheese and now you’re never gonna hear it because you choose to be selfish with your toothbrush.
I will most likely regret this, but in a moment of weakness, I promised that I’d give them a plug. Plus, they promised to clean their rooms. So, here they are making their debut on YouTube… The Box Head Scallywags.
Keep your expectations low and please be kind.
At least he has goals. Happy Friday, everyone. Cheers!
“Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. It’s only considered bribery when you do it to the government. Then it’s illegal and you can get thrown in jail, I get that part. But, there’s nothing wrong with offering your brother and sister a little walking-around-cash from time to time, if you know what I mean. That’s perfectly legal. Now, how about another glass of chocolate milk?”
Jay: Mom, you know how Katy Perry wrote that Firework song to inspirate people?
Me: You mean to ‘inspire’ people?
Jay: Yeah. That’s what I just said.
Me: Oh, ok. Yes. I know the song.
Jay: Well, I’m doing the same sorta thing. I’m writing a rap song called Boogers Up Your Nose. It’s for all the people who feel bad about themselves when they find out they’ve walked around all day with a booger hanging out of their nose. You know, to inspirate them.
Happy Friday, everyone! May your weekend be booger-free.
Art shows are the new rage in my home. The artist shows up to his event wearing his finest. He’s dressed to impress in a wrinkled dress shirt, basketball shorts, mismatched socks and loafers. Stray cookie crumbs decorate the corners of his mouth. There’s a good shot that he’s forgotten to brush his teeth, which I tell myself, isn’t due to his lack of concern over personal hygiene, but because he’s preoccupied by deep thoughts and creating creations.
The artwork is displayed on bedroom walls, hung lopsided with scotch tape and entirely too low for any adult to view without risk of a slipped disc. Instead of floating platters of hors d’oeuvres, mini bags of peanut M&M’s, leftover from Halloween, are chucked at guests. Unless you have quick hands, there’s a good chance you’ll end up with a black eye.
Ridiculously high prices are demanded, considering the artist is relatively unknown and the collection was created in less than 15 minutes. Sometimes the artist tells a poop joke or two. It’s a classy event.
Since you missed it, here’s a sampling from the exhibit. Prepare to be dazzled.
Rainbow and the Cheese
Stand Alone Cheese
Broccoli Sucks. Eat More Cheese
Cheese in Love
Psychedelic Cheese in Oil Pastels
Cheese Balls in Blue Bowl
And, of course, an art show wouldn’t be complete without a controversial piece. Let me present… The Nude.
In case you’re wondering, The Nude was the most popular piece in the exhibit. It went for $1.50 and will be used in next year’s Christmas card, as it bears slight resemblance to baby Jesus.
“Mom, I need to warn you. When you come to my school, DO NOT snuggle up to the giant teddy bear in Mrs. B’s class. I don’t care how cute you think he is, whatever you do, don’t go near him…he’s filled with 4th grade farts.”
I’m thankful that someone’s looking out for me. I wish I could say the same for the bear.
Will: Can someone pass the ketchup, please?
Me: You know what, Will? I think you have that Sex-Ed talk coming up in school soon. Dad and I want to have a little chat with you before it starts, just in case you have some questions that you might feel awkward asking in school.
Will: Mom, I’m finding this conversation extremely awkward already.
Will: Sounds good to me.
Me: Ok, fine, but just so you know, this conversation is in your future. Maybe we’ll go to dinner…me, you and dad. You can pick the place. It will be fun!
Dad: How about just you and Will go? I’ll stay home. I dread these conversations.
Me: Oh, no! You’re going. You’re not getting out of this one.
Anna: I want to go!
Will: No way! She’s not going.
Anna: Will, you are going to die of embarrassment! Trust me…it was the worst week of my life. Some kids puked. I think one cried. You might want to wear a diaper.
Will: Mom, make her stop!
Me: Now, why would you tell him that? You’re scaring him. And, no, you’re not going. Somebody has to babysit Jay.
Jay: Hey! That’s not fair. I wanna go. We can go to Chick-fil-A. I love their milkshakes.
Me: I’ll get you a milkshake another time. You’re staying home.
Jay: Well, I’m not staying with her. The last time Anna babysat, she threw the remote at my head and sent me to my room.
Anna: That’s only because you weren’t listening. Duh!
Dad: So, that’s why the remote is broken?
Will: I feel sick.
Dad: Me, too.
Jay: Can we have dessert now? I’m in the mood for a milkshake.
Me: Don’t worry, Will. It’s not that bad. I promise.
Dad: And, just so you know, whatever you’ve heard on the bus, is probably not true.
Anna: Actually, some of it is true. Will, you are seriously going to die. Mom draws pictures. It’s mentally scarring. I’m pretty sure that’s why I now struggle in math.
Will: Ya know what, Mom? Let’s avoid the awkward conversation where everyone’s uncomfortable and I want to die. How about you just text me, instead?
Dad: Excellent idea! Then if you have any questions, you can text mom back. So, how about milkshakes for dessert?
I’ve been a horrible blogger. It’s true. I mean well. I really do. Each day, I set out intending to hop on here and share some witty words of wisdom, but inevitably, I am sidetracked. Who would have guessed that this child raising thing would be so damn time-consuming?
The strangest thing is that my stats have actually increased in my absence. I wonder what that means?
Anyway, I shall return when you least expect it. It’s a promise. Plus, I miss our banter.
In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this very entertaining story with a good message.
“Mom, did you know that you’ll have less stress in your life if you grow-up to be a professional poker player instead of the President of the United States? Plus, you’ll make more money and get to wear really cool sunglasses. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
Forget about the sunglasses, if I was a professional poker player, I’d have to wear a bag over my head. I have the world’s worst poker face. You should see me try and keep a straight face when I listen to the daily nonsense that comes off the bus each day.
Try checking out your own poker face and read the latest scoop from the bus. Let me know if you can keep a straight face. Fact or fiction? As always, I’ll let you be the judge.
1. “Mom, did you know that baby harp seals happen when polar bears and blue whales mate? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
2. “Mom, did you know that the new kid at school pops his pimples with his butt cheeks? It has something to do with his religion. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
3. “Mom, did you know that it’s a well-known fact that Snoop Dogg, aka Snoop Lion, is related to Shakespeare? They say you can totally tell by the hair. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
4. “Mom, did you know if you eat your best friend’s booger, you’ll sound exactly alike in the morning? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
5. “Mom, did you know if you rub bacon grease into your armpits every morning, you’ll never have to wear glasses? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
6. “Mom, did you know if you eat spinach while studying for a test, you’ll remember everything you studied? Plus, you’ll have farts so strong they’ll bruise whoever they come in contact with. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
7. ”Mom, did you know that Play-Doh is made from recycled cat poop mixed with chewed-up bubble gum scraped from the sidewalks of New York City? That’s why it’s non-toxic. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
8. “Mom, did you know if you stick 5 bucks in your letter to Santa, you’re more likely to get what’s on your list? Everybody appreciates a good tip, even Santa. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
9. “Mom, did you know that sometimes rain is actually people’s pee blasting down on us from airplane toilets? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
10. ”Mom, did you know there’s a real-life lunch lady secret society cult where they sacrifice kids? The lunch ladies cook up the dead kid’s organs and then serve them in school cafeterias all across the nation. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
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“Of course I am? What’s wrong with it?”
“Look at it! It’s a crayon. You might as well send me to school in a diaper. I bet even the little kindergarteners will give me a hard time about this one.”
The following is an old post, but I thought it would go along well with this morning’s conversation. Plus, it cracks me up.
As parents, there are many ways we can ruin our children’s lives. The possibilities are endless. An embarrassing lunch, however, seems to have been overlooked and hasn’t been given enough attention. A poorly packed lunch can destroy a child’s life and ruin their reputation. Brown bag or lunch box? Water bottle or Gatorade? Aluminum foil or Saran Wrap? These are important questions parents must ask themselves before packing lunch. One slip-up and your child will end up in a therapist’s chair for a large portion of their 30′s.
Let’s discuss some possible “embarrassing lunches,” so we can all sleep a little easier at night knowing we’ve avoided at least one major parenting faux pas.
1. A thermos of lukewarm vegetable soup to be eaten with a spaghetti-sauce-stained wooden spoon. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother sucks. Somebody, please shoot me.”
2. An egg salad sandwich on pumpernickel, a carton of warm milk and a whole carrot, unpeeled. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I hate my mother. She wants me to be a loser.”
3. A dishwasher-warped Tupperware container filled with leftover mashed potatoes, a thermos of water and half of a banana. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother is a social retard. Where can I find a new one?”
4. A squashed cream cheese and jelly sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil, a box of raisins and three crumbly Fig Newton cookies. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”Kill me now. My mother has ruined my life.”
5. A container of cottage cheese to be eaten with an Elmo spoon that’s been mangled from falling into the garbage disposal one too many times, a baggie of dried fruit and a slice of Velveeta cheese. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother hates me and doesn’t want me to have any friends.”
7. A tuna fish sandwich made with the heels of a high-fiber bread, some celery sticks and a baggie of pickles. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I have the worst mother in the world. I need to change schools.”
8. An olive loaf sandwich on marble rye, a baggie of Cheerios and a tomato still attached to the stem. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother wants me to be a social outcast.”
9. Two cold hot dogs wrapped in Saran Wrap, a baggie of day old popcorn and a half-eaten oatmeal cookie. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I hate my life. My mother is the anti-christ.”
10. A pink Barbie thermos filled with this morning’s leftover scrambled eggs, a buttered hot dog bun, and a baggie of wasabi flavored soy nuts. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…“I’m skipping town, changing my name and reinventing myself.”
I would love to hear your own embarrassing lunch stories. Mine was #4 in the 5th grade. Did I mention that I’m currently in therapy?
“Mom, when I grow-up, I’m gonna invent a Fart Detector to bust all the people who lie about farting. Then, I’m gonna write a book called The Fart Finder. It’s about this guy named Mr. McFarty Pants who travels the world in search of rare farts and then captures them in coffee cans. I bet someone would give me like a million bucks for that and then I can buy myself a Lamborghini.”
Oh, thank God! That’s one less kid I need to send to college. Happy Friday!
Happy Friday, everyone!
I find writing to be a lot like drinking. After a cocktail or two, I feel like the most fascinating person in the world. Sorta like the Dos Equis guy, only less mannish and minus the accent. It’s not until the next morning, when I’m left with a slight headache, that I realize I was less like the Dos Equis guy and more like Homer Simpson with a donut shoved in his mouth. “D’oh!”
Like the time I was doing some crazy no-carb diet and accidentally drank too much at my nephew’s First Holy Communion celebration. Feeling no pain and shielded by a suit of armor made of fermented grapes aged in french oak, I challenged the guests to a “kick-ass” game of Quarters, using a special reserve Cabernet, served in Waterford crystal goblets. Disappointed in my lackluster performance or the fact that I almost choked on the quarter, I then declared my undying love for Champagne, downed a bottle and proceeded to refer to other people’s children as “little a**holes.” Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention that I had to be whisked out the backdoor by my husband who decided that he had seen enough of my shenanigans for one evening.
Nope. Not one of my finer moments. I’ll let you imagine how I felt the next morning when I had to make the call-of-shame to apologize for my bad behavior. I still cringe and consider fleeing the country every time I think about that night.
Strangely enough, I have a similar experience when I write. I get what I think is a brilliant idea, write it down and congratulate myself on my witty sense of humor. Flooded with euphoria, I briefly imagine some person of extreme power and wealth spying my fabulousness and offering to pay me a bazillion dollars for my knack for nonsense. I smile, spy the Publish button in the upper right hand corner of my screen and click it with confidence. Then it happens. ”D’oh!”
I’m startled as I hear a rustling sound and witness a nasty creature called Insecurity slither out from under the desk and snake up the back of my chair. He winds himself around my neck and flicks his serpent-like tongue at my cheek before disappearing into my ear. The evil bastard then wreaks havoc on my brain, leaving me riddled with self-doubt and poisoned with insecurity. I now regret hitting the Publish button almost as much as that mortifying night of Cabernet Quarters.
It’s at this moment that I imagine friends and family getting together just to talk about me. “Can you believe she writes such crap? Let’s not invite her to the next dinner party.”
I picture my shamed parents putting their house on the market, relocating to Del Boca Vista and requesting an unlisted number that they give only to my brother. “Brian, no matter how much she begs, don’t give it to her!”
I think I hear my husband’s key in the door, which is odd because it’s midmorning. Clear as day, I imagine him carrying a cardboard box filled with personal belongings, framed pictures of fat round babies poking out of the top of the box. The door opens, he looks at me, shakes his head and says, “Nance, Corporate saw it. What the hell were you thinking?”
And, again, I cringe and consider fleeing the country.
I recently received the loveliest rejection letter from the editor of MAD Magazine for my submission of I Heard It On The Bus. I know, you don’t usually associate the word lovely with MAD Magazine or rejection, but honestly, their thanks-but-no-thanks letter left me with a smile rather than the need to curl up into the fetal position and sob. Sadly, I can’t say the same for my boys.
“We found it sweet and whimsical, but a little too sweet for MAD. Some version of it would have worked for MAD Kids, but publication of that title ceased three years ago.”
Spurred on by the fact that they didn’t say, “This crap totally sucks. You stink!” I’m continuing to nose around for the entertaining nonsense being passed around on the big yellow bus. So, without further ado, I give you the latest I Heard It On The Bus.
1. “Mom, did you know that in some foreign countries, people use ear wax instead of Chapstick?” It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
2. “Mom, did you know that boogers are like snowflakes? No two are ever alike. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
3. ”Mom, did you know if you eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich while sitting on the toilet, you’ll have a baby? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
4. “Mom, did you know it’s against the law if you don’t wear underwear to school. The school nurse keeps a stash of underwear in her desk drawer for the kids who forget. As punishment, she makes the boys wear pink princess underwear in toddler sizes. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
5. “Mom, did you know that mermaids are real? And, I don’t mean the ones like Ariel. I mean the evil ones who want to kill kids and eat them. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
6. “Mom, did you know that shouting at food makes it cook faster? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
7. “Mom, did you know that kids who snort up their boogers instead of blowing their nose, end up pooping worms? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
8. “Mom, did you know if you eat a pickle before you go to sleep, you’ll have nightmares and wet the bed? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
9. “Mom, did you know if you put a bag of Sour Patch Kids into a can of Mountain Dew and drink it, you’ll be able to fart a hole through your math homework? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
10. “Mom, did you know it’s a well-known fact that spiders crawl into your mouth while you sleep? Most of the time they just pee, but every once in a while they lay eggs, too. That’s why people have morning breath. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
Fact or Fiction? As usual, I’ll let you be the judge.
For past episodes of I Heard It On The Bus, click below…
“Nancy, it’s your 78-year-old mother-in-law. Listen, I need you to tell me where I can buy a Playboy magazine.”
“Excuse me? Did you just ask me where to buy pornography?”
“Yes, dear. I haven’t a clue where to buy that sorta thing. Did you know you can’t buy Playboy at the grocery store?”
“No, I guess you can’t, now tell me…why, exactly, do you need a Playboy magazine?”
“You’re right about that. Last week I waved to the gentleman on the corner. He was parked in his wheelchair in the driveway reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Try Barnes & Noble. They have a huge magazine selection.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful. I’ll shoot right over after church. It’s our neighbor Joe’s 82nd birthday. He’ll be thrilled. He has Alzheimer’s and needs a bit of help remembering a few things.”
“Jay, what’s this?”
“Oh, that? It’s just a little something I’ve been working on. Hey, but don’t worry…it’s not about you. I swear!”
Should I be concerned?
This is what I said…
“No…I am not, young lady! And listen to me, it’s never polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant…even your own mother!”
But this is what I thought…
“Hell no! WTF kinda question is that? Have you lost your mind, child? Didn’t you see me drinking a giant glass of wine while I indulged in seconds during dinner last night? So what if I’ve been a little hungry? Now leave me alone, you nosey kid, so I can eat my second cream cheese laden bagel in peace. Be gone!”
“Here’s the phone. Now remember, you can’t continue to call people and say, ‘Hey, it’s me. Who’s this?’ It’s rude and you don’t want to be known as the ‘rude kid.’ Right?”
“What happened? Why’d you hang up?”
“Why didn’t you leave a message?”
“I didn’t know what to say.”
“Will! We’ve been over this a thousand times! You say, ‘Hi. This is Will. I’m returning Billy’s call. He can call me at home when it’s convenient. Thank you. Good bye.’ This is simple stuff.”
“I can’t say that! It sounds weird…like I’m trying to be a grown-up or something.”
“Well, that’s sorta the point, but go ahead and say it in your own words. Just be polite! Got it?”
“Uh, yeah. Hey, um…it’s me. Uh, calling you…because I guess you called me. So, I’m calling you back for whatever reason you called because I don’t really know why. Ok? That’s why I’m calling you…to find out. So, uh…call me to tell me what you want. Ok? So, um…that’s about it.”
“No, I wouldn’t say that, but I’d much rather hang out with you guys all day. And, by the way, watch your mouth, mister.”
“So, they don’t give you recess or nothing?”
“Nope. No recess”
“You know what, Dad? If I had a crappy sorta job like yours, I’d make everybody go out to the parking lot at 9:00 everyday and play kickball. Then, if I got bored in the afternoon, I’d sneak around the office and make funny videos and put ‘em on YouTube. I’d probably get like a million hits and then somebody would wanna make it a real movie and pay me a bunch of money. Then I’d quit my crappy job.”
“Thanks, buddy. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“No problem, Dad.”