Follow a mother's plight to find the funny in the frustrating and save her sanity. She will use this as blackmail, you can use it for birth control.
Young American Wisdom in 140 characters or less…
- My metabolism has betrayed me. I hate the bastard. #GiveMeBackMyOldAss 6 days ago
- My life is a continuous round trip to the grocery store where my list gets lost in produce & I end up pushing the cart with the bum wheel. 1 week ago
- @becomingcliche Lovely! Make that 2 more accounts I need to stalk. Thanks so much & have a great Mother's Day! 1 week ago
Don’t Steal My Stuff…my kids will cry!© Young American Wisdom 2011
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Category Archives: funny kid quotes
“Mom, you look like some sort of strange spider monkey in oversized sunglasses and your armpits smell like the airport bar in the Philadelphia Airport, you know the one with the really good cheese fries? But you know what? I … Continue reading
Anna: God, Mom! I’m so irritated today. Ugh! Me: Me, too. Must be the rain. Wanna fight? Anna: Ok. What should we fight about? Me: I don’t care. Go ahead, I’ll let you pick. Anna: Umm…how about how annoying it is … Continue reading
Me: Jay, did you shower? Jay: Yup. Me: Then how come only the back of your head is wet? Jay: I guess the front of my head dries fast. Me: Did you at least use soap? Jay: Yup. Me: Is … Continue reading
“Mom, you know how Dad is really good at cooking hot dogs? Well, I think he should open a restaurant and call it Dad’s House of Wieners.” I think there’s some truth to that old saying, “You are what you eat.” Happy Friday, … Continue reading
Will: It hurts! Me: Well, of course it does. Why would you do something so stupid? Will: Jay told me to. Am I going to be ok? Me: I’m not sure at what point taking medical advice from your 10-year-old brother … Continue reading
Jay: Mom, you’re never gonna believe this, but today at recess, a bunch of girls on the playground called me over. They were standing in a group with their arms crossed and their hands on their hips. I was sorta scared … Continue reading
Will: Mom, what’s up with the strange guy in the shower? I hate how he’s always staring at me. Me: Try not to make eye contact. Maybe you’ll forget he’s there. Will: I’ve tried. I’m thinking about wearing my bathing … Continue reading
Me: Alright! Which one of you thought it would be a good idea to smear your dirty fingers all over the inside of my car windows? You know, the same car windows I just cleaned? Will: Oh, that? That was me, but … Continue reading
Jay: Mom, just so you know, I’m drawing your portrait right this very minute. Me: Ok, great. Jay: Try to act natural, just keep packing lunch. Oh, and while you’re at it, stick in a few extra packs of fruit snacks, would … Continue reading
Jay: Hey, Mom! Remember when I was little and crawled up on the counter and ate half a bottle of vitamins? I almost had to get my stomach pumped, right? Me: Yes, you did! I had to call Poison Control. I still can’t … Continue reading
Me: Jay, please eat your asparagus. Jay: But it’s disgusting. Me: Just eat it. It’s good for you. Jay: I think it’s really unfair that everything that’s good for you has to taste so bad. Me: It’s just the way it is. Now, eat it. … Continue reading
Me: Anna Kate, Katy called. I told her you’d call her right back. AK: She called on the house phone? That’s weird. Me: No. She called on your phone. AK: Oh My God, Mom! You answered my phone? Me: Of course, I … Continue reading
Me: Jay, did you brush your teeth? Jay: Yup. If you don’t believe me, you can even ask Will. Will: He did. I saw him…using MY toothbrush! Me: Jay! Jay: What? I couldn’t find mine. Will: Mom, I can’t take … Continue reading
“Mom, when I grow up, I’m gonna marry a girl that likes to drink a lot of beer.” At least he has goals. Happy Friday, everyone. Cheers!
“Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. It’s only considered bribery when you do it to the government. Then it’s illegal and you can get thrown in jail, I get that part. But, there’s nothing wrong with offering your … Continue reading
Jay: Mom, you know how Katy Perry wrote that Firework song to inspirate people? Me: You mean to ‘inspire’ people? A booger-free Katy Perry is an inpiration. Jay: Yeah. That’s what I just said. Me: Oh, ok. Yes. I know the … Continue reading
Art shows are the new rage in my home. The artist shows up to his event wearing his finest. He’s dressed to impress in a wrinkled dress shirt, basketball shorts, mismatched socks and loafers. Stray cookie crumbs decorate the corners … Continue reading
Will: Can someone pass the ketchup, please? Me: You know what, Will? I think you have that Sex-Ed talk coming up in school soon. Dad and I want to have a little chat with you before it starts, just in case … Continue reading
“Mom, did you know that you’ll have less stress in your life if you grow-up to be a professional poker player instead of the President of the United States? Plus, you’ll make more money and get to wear really cool sunglasses. … Continue reading
“Oh, man, Mom! You’re not making me bring that thermos to school, are you?” “Of course I am? What’s wrong with it?” “Look at it! It’s a crayon. You might as well send me to school in a diaper. I … Continue reading
“Mom, when I grow-up, I’m gonna invent a Fart Detector to bust all the people who lie about farting. Then, I’m gonna write a book called The Fart Finder. It’s about this guy named Mr. McFarty Pants who travels the world … Continue reading
“Mom, just so you know…the toilet paper in this house isn’t working. Oh, and by the way, I decided that on Crazy Mismatch Day, I’m gonna wear my underwear on the outside of my clothes.” Jay-10 Happy Friday, everyone!
I recently received the loveliest rejection letter from the editor of MAD Magazine for my submission of I Heard It On The Bus. I know, you don’t usually associate the word lovely with MAD Magazine or rejection, but honestly, their thanks-but-no-thanks letter … Continue reading
“Jay, what’s this?” “Oh, that? It’s just a little something I’ve been working on. Hey, but don’t worry…it’s not about you. I swear!” Should I be concerned?
“Mom, are you pregnant? I’ve noticed how much you’ve been eating lately.” This is what I said… “No…I am not, young lady! And listen to me, it’s never polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant…even your own mother!” But this … Continue reading
“Will, you need to call Billy. The poor kid’s called here 3 times. He needs the homework assignment for English. Ok?” “Ok.” “Here’s the phone. Now remember, you can’t continue to call people and say, ‘Hey, it’s me. Who’s this?’ It’s rude … Continue reading
“Dad, does is totally suck to have to go to work everyday?” “No, I wouldn’t say that, but I’d much rather hang out with you guys all day. And, by the way, watch your mouth, mister.” “So, they don’t give … Continue reading
“Will, did you take your cell phone, which is supposed to be used for emergencies only, to school and prank call your sister from the bus this morning?” “I did…we thought it would be funny!” “Who’s ‘we?’” “Everybody on the … Continue reading
“Mom, if you make me sign-up for Ballroom dancing at school, I’ll be forced to run away, probably to Mexico and then you’ll be down to just 2 kids. I thought you should know.” Will-11 As tempting as this may … Continue reading
“Mom, I think it would be really hard to start-up a new country. I mean, think of how stressful it would be to come up with a national anthem. And, what about all the pressure involved in designing a new flag? I … Continue reading
“Mom, I always put an exclamation point after my name so that people will know to take me seriously.” I think there are more than a few politicians out there that should consider this same approach.
“Mom, did you know that the best kind of teachers are the ones that laugh at your jokes and don’t send you to the principal’s office? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” In celebration of the start of school … Continue reading
“Mom, I’m thinking about starting my own blog. I’ve got a lot of important stuff to say.” “Oh, really?” “Yeah, but I’m having a hard time picking a title. If you let me, this is what I’m thinking… 1. My Stupid Sister … Continue reading
“Mom, when I grow up, I might get a job taking care of monkeys. I’ll keep one for myself and name him Bananas, then I’ll dress him up in a tuxedo and make him drive around town in a little toy … Continue reading
“Mom, today was the best day of my life. Three great things happened at school today. First, I found a bunch of money randomly laying on the ground, so I picked it up and spent it at the school store. Second, I’ve … Continue reading
“Mom, when I grow up, I’m gonna have a pool and to make it really fun, I’ll put a diving board on my roof. I’m also gonna have a butler who plays video games with me and packs me lobster for lunch … Continue reading
“Mom, when I grow up I might wanna be a brain surgeon. I hear that’s a pretty good job. But here’s the thing, I’ll have to find some other guy to do the surgery because that would just be gross.” Jay-9 … Continue reading
“Mom, check this out. I’ve decided if I’m ever in an epic rap battle, this is what I’ll call myself… By the way, see that kid on the playground with the red hair? The one that’s wearing the yellow SpongeBob shirt and Batman backpack? … Continue reading