An Embarrassing Lunch

“Mom, can you pack me lunch today? And please…don’t make it embarrassing.” Anna-11

As parents, there are many ways we can ruin our children’s lives. The possibilities are endless. An embarrassing lunch, however, seems to have been overlooked and hasn’t been given enough attention. A poorly packed lunch can destroy a child’s life and ruin their reputation.  Brown bag or lunch box? Water bottle or Gatorade? Aluminum foil or Saran Wrap? These are important questions parents must ask themselves before packing lunch. One slip-up and your child will end up in a therapist’s chair in their mid-30’s.

Let’s discuss some possible “embarrassing lunches” so we can all sleep a little easier knowing we’ve avoided a major parenting faux pas.

1.  A thermos of lukewarm vegetable soup to be eaten with a spaghetti-sauce stained wooden spoon.  The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother sucks. Somebody, please shoot me.”

2.  An egg salad sandwich on pumpernickel, a carton of warm milk and a whole carrot, unpeeled. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I hate my mother. She wants me to be a loser.”

3.  A Tupperware container filled with leftover mashed potatoes, a thermos of water and a half of a banana. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother is a social retard. Where can I find a new one?”

4.  A squished cream cheese and jelly sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil, a box of raisins and three Fig Newton cookies. The child’s response upon opening the lunch….”Kill me now. My mother has ruined my life.”

5.  A container of cottage cheese to be eaten with an Elmo spoon that’s been mangled from falling into the garbage disposal one too many times, a baggie of peanuts and a slice of Velveeta cheese.  The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother hates me and doesn’t want me to have any friends.”

6.  Liverwurst spread on Saltine crackers, a baggie of prunes and a tapioca pudding. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother is a child abuser. Somebody call the social services.”

7.  A tuna fish sandwich made with the heels of a high-fiber bread, some celery sticks and a baggie of pickles. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I have the worst mother in the world. I need to change schools.”

8.  An olive loaf sandwich on marble rye, a baggie of Cheerios and a tomato. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…”My mother wants me to be a social outcast.”

9.  Two cold hot dogs wrapped in Saran Wrap, a baggie of day old popcorn and a half-eaten oatmeal cookie. the child’s response upon opening the lunch…”I hate my life. My mother is the anti-christ.”

10.  A Tupperware container of this morning’s leftover scrambled eggs, applesauce and a baggie of sunflower seeds. The child’s response upon opening the lunch…“I’m skipping town, changing my name and reinventing myself.”

I would love to hear your own embarrassing lunch stories. Mine was #4 in the 5th grade…thanks mom.

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A mother's plight to find the funny in the frustrating and save her sanity.
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28 Responses to An Embarrassing Lunch

  1. bearman says:

    My mother had a solution from the time I was in 1st grade. Use your allowance to buy a hot lunch or pack your own damn lunch the night before.

    Like

  2. Megan Bieber says:

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahhahaah oh my god this killed me

    Like

  3. John Erickson says:

    Wow. My only question to #4 would be “Did she want you to spend the next 24 hours in the bathroom?” And ANY mother putting prunes in a kid’s lunch definitely gets my vote for calling social services. On the other hand, give me popcorn, even cold day-old popcorn, and I’ll follow you into the gates of Hell itself! 😉
    If I recall correctly from when I carried a lunch (a LONG time ago), my mom always included the 3 key food groups – Oscar Meyer, Holsum (bread), and Frito-Lays. When we moved in time for me to enter 5th grade, the new school sold lunches. Ever see any of the Simpsons’ episodes where they dis the cafeteria food? That was my school. How a hamburger, pizza, and Jell-o can taste alike STILL beats the heck outta me! 😀

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  4. dragonfae says:

    ROTFL … “I hate my life. My mother is the anti-christ.” That one cracked me up!

    I don’t have any stories either. Mom was lazy and we did the school lunch thing.

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  5. This is SO funny!
    Somehow I had managed to completely forget about these little lunchtime mores…
    hilarious now, but at the time it did seem like such a big deal! 🙂

    Like

  6. Renee Mason says:

    8th grade, Germany, army base, one hour commute to school in a quonset hut. Every single day of that school year my mom would FRY 2 thick slices of SPAM in butter, place those steaming hot slices between white Wonder bread slathered with French’s yellow mustard, then wrap it in tin foil. It would then accompany me on a frozen bus ride into a freezing cold metal hut where it would sit waiting patiently for about five hours. I knew she loved me though, because she always packed Fritos and pickles, too. By the time that sandwich was unwrapped, it was sopping wet and looked and smelled like a pair of tidy-whities that had been left out on the clothesline in a heavy rainstorm. It’s OK though; I’ve only been in therapy 37 years!!

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  7. Hilarious. And it never changes. To this day, my three (all in their 30s) will regale you with stories of how they were psychologically damaged by being raised on Hot Pockets and Milk Bones (medium dog size).

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    • John Erickson says:

      “Milk Bones”? I’ve heard of feeding dogs “people food”, but now all I can picture is a scene of the Three Stooges, running a dog hospital, with Curly chowing down on a dog biscuit sandwich! 😀

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    • I loved Hot Pockets in my twenties. If I ate one today I would probably need to be hospitalized. I bet your kids had sparkling white teeth from all the Milk Bones. 😉

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  8. O. Leonard says:

    Number 2 sounds kinda good to me. Love chicken salad sandwiches. I almost always got peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch. By the time lunch came around the bananas didn’t look too good so it was hard to eat. I don’t remember ever caring what my mother packed for lunch but knew I was never going to have the cool stuff my friends did, so no one ever wanted to trade with me.

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    • I have recently rediscovered my love for peanut butter and banana sandwiches. But I can see how this would not make for a popular elementary school lunch. It’s the kind of thing you need to eat in private with the shades drawn. 😉

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  9. Lenore Diane says:

    This is hilarious!! Like Bearman, I have no horror stories – we had to pack our own lunches from the get-go. ~ Lenore

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  10. Tori Nelson says:

    Hahaha. Every time I read your posts I am reminded of the crazy things I told my mother, namely that she was ALWAYS embarrassing without fail. I keep forgetting to mail her that letter of apology 🙂

    Like

  11. The funny thing is, I was getting hungry reading these…

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  12. Emjayandthem says:

    I liked Cheez whiz + dill pickle slices but, together, that made for one soggy sandwich! ugh!! My favorite was Balogna & Mustard or … leftover fried chicken and no it wasn’t in a cooler. We had cast iron stomachs I swear 🙂 Everything was wrapped in waxed paper and our teen wraps his lunch that way, too.
    Great post .. MJ

    Like

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