“Mom, just so you know…I didn’t do it. There was a cup of juice, that wasn’t mine, that accidentally spilled on the coffee table, but it wasn’t my fault. I just found it there, all by itself with spillage everywhere. I swear, it wasn’t mine. Really, it wasn’t my fault. It was someone else’s fault. Someone else did it. It’s true. I swear.” Jay-8
Parents, please search your child’s room for the following list. This was discovered crumpled up in an old shoe in the back of my son’s closet. It is rumored that these lists were passed out on the school bus during the last few weeks of the school year. Consider yourselves warned.
The Top Ten Ways A Kid Can Outsmart Their Mother And Avoid Getting Busted
1. Confuse and distract your mother by talking in circles. It should go something like this, “Mom, please stop yelling. It wasn’t my fault. It was his fault. Her fault. Who’s fault? What? Huh? I like my new toothbrush. He did it. She did it. Who did it? You did it? My new favorite color is orange. Who? What? Where? I know you are, but what am I? What did you say? I can’t hear you. Was that the phone? Was that the door? Huh? What? Mom, someone’s at the door.” Well done. Now, quick like a bunny, sneak out the back door and hide behind the shed.
2. Blame a sibling. If you don’t have a sibling, blame a friend, but pick one that’s not a favorite because there’s a good chance they won’t be invited back.
3. Fake an injury. Tell your mother that you think you’ve just broken your leg. Throw yourself down on the floor in a fit of agony. Insist that she call the neighbor lady, who used to be a nurse, for some advice. Consider yourself off the hook, as your mother will be on the phone for hours catching up on the neighborhood gossip.
4. Have a coughing fit. This works extremely well if you have asthma. Tell your mother you can’t find your inhaler and watch her panic. Sit back and relax as she tears the house apart in search of the inhaler that’s in your back pocket.
5. Learn to say “I don’t know” in several different languages. Your mother will be so happy to have something to brag about on Facebook that she’ll forget why she was mad in the first place. “Our little Suzy is bilingual. She’s the smartest child in the 4th grade. I bet you wish your child was as smart as mine.”
6. Tell your mother that you have a stomach ache. Tell her your friend Joey threw-up while you were at his house the other day. Tell her you feel like you might throw-up or have diarrhea, maybe both…at the same time. Watch your mother move into action as she plops you down on the toilet and sticks a trash can in your face. Be thankful for the trash can, it’s the perfect place to hide the smirk on your face.
7. Tell your mother that she looks beautiful, even though she’s still in her gym clothes, has a booger hanging out of her nose, and has a wicked case of coffee breath. Her heart will melt with your kind words. It’s smooth sailing now, you sly dog.
8. Tell your mother that you think the house might be haunted. Tell her that you hear strange voices at night. In fact, that’s the reason you end up on your parent’s floor each night, not because you’re afraid of the dark, but because of the evil ghosts. The same evil ghosts that probably spilled the juice.
9. Burst into tears. When your mother asks why you’re crying, tell her, “I feel badly about myself because I don’t have any friends.” Now, prepare yourself, because your mother will burst into tears as she flashes back to the 5th grade, remembering the time the class “mean girl” teased her about not having any friends. Sadly, your mother had bad hair, bad teeth and looked like a boy until she hit highschool. After she treats you to ice cream that evening, consider asking her for acting lessons, as you can clearly imagine yourself at the Academy Awards being handed the Oscar.
10. Tell your mother that strange things have been happening around you and that you haven’t felt like yourself since playing with the Ouija board at Timmy’s house the other day. Tell her you’re worried that you might be possessed by the devil and it’s probably a good idea to call the priest for an exorcism. Watch her face fall as she recalls scenes from the movie The Exorcist, which still keeps her up at night, 25 years later. Your mother will be so busy trying to track down her Holy water that she’ll completely forget why she was mad. Pretend you don’t hear her curse when she shouts, “Holy shit! Where the hell is my Holy water.”