That Tooth Fairy Is A Cheapskate

“Mom, I realized something was up with the whole Tooth Fairy story when I found out kids at school were getting $10 bucks a tooth and all I got was a stinking buck…and mine didn’t even have cavities!” Anna-10

I think the American Dental Association should seriously consider distributing pamphlets containing universal Tooth Fairy rules. The pamphlets could be handed out along with the highly anticipated new toothbrush and spool of floss at the end of each visit. This would keep parents on the same page and help to avoid a lot of grief. Here’s what I propose.

1.  All correspondence with the Tooth Fairy should be discouraged. This seems like a good idea for excited first timers, but believe me, with the loss of the fourth and fifth tooth it just becomes a big pain in the ass.

2.  Absolutely no trinkets of any kind…no Matchbox Cars, Polly Pockets or cans of Play-Doh should be substituted for cash. This just makes less enthusiastic parents look bad.

3.  $1.00 per tooth maximum. No exceptions. There’s no need to be excessive…nobody likes a show-off.

4.  Discourage your child from setting Tooth Fairy traps. This will only result in injury and a trip to the emergency room at 2 am.  Believe me, you don’t heal like you used to.

5.  A path to the tooth should be cleared of all debris.  Stepping on a stray Lego or Barbie shoe will only thwart your plan as you’ll be discovered when your child awakes to your shouts of obscenities.

6.   All teeth should be disposed of by flushing down the toilet. It may seem like a good idea to keep the teeth for sentimental reasons, but discovering them in the bottom of your jewelery box several years later will only feel strange and very Jeffrey Dahmeresque.

7.  A dose of Benadryl should be considered when dealing with a light sleeper. You don’t want to get caught with your hand under the pillow.

8.  When dealing with cavity-ridden teeth, parents may choose to send a subtle message to their child by crumpling the dollar bill before placing it under the pillow.

9.  Refrain from your evening cocktail. Each sip increases the likelihood that you’ll nod off  and forget your responsibilities.

10. In the event that you do forget your Tooth Fairy duties…blame it on the weather.

Suggestions are encouraged and greatly appreciated.

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A mother's plight to find the funny in the frustrating and save her sanity.
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28 Responses to That Tooth Fairy Is A Cheapskate

  1. Annie & Poppy says:

    Our kids were lucky to ger a quarter

    Like

  2. O. Leonard says:

    Damn, I wish I would have had these rules back when I was a tooth fairy. I was forever stepping on stuff..tripping, falling, cussing, retreating. Falling asleep and forgetting. It’s horrible to forget the tooth fairy duties, and, you’re absolutely right, there needs to be standards and rules about this whole thing. Too late for me though.

    Like

  3. John Erickson says:

    Wow, $10 a tooth? Not only would I have been toothless, but I would have ended up FAR better with a baseball bat…….

    Like

  4. Bearman says:

    $1. I got a dime for a front tooth and a quarter for a back one.

    Like

  5. Megan Bieber says:

    This is like how I used to get the one inch “tooth box” filled with a couple of quarters, and Kyle used to get $5 bills. I the the tooth fairy owes me some money. With interest.

    Like

  6. Lenore Diane says:

    I had to steal from my kids piggy bank for Tooth Fairy money. Is that wrong? I mean, he got it back.

    Like

  7. jacquelincangro says:

    Some friends at a BBQ were discussing this very thing last weekend. I couldn’t believe the price of teeth these days. I wonder if the kids are all in collusion. “Psst. You tell your mom that I got $10 per tooth and I’ll tell my mom that you got $10 per tooth. Let’s see if that works.”

    Like

  8. Tori Nelson says:

    $10 a tooth! I’d have to stop buying groceries… and clothes!

    Like

  9. I probably should have read rule No. 3 before I yanked out my molars…
    🙂

    Like

  10. Sandi Ormsby says:

    This was a big discussion in Kindergarten among the moms. One friend, her boys were talking to other kids in the neighborhood and they were getting $5.00/$10.00! A group of us decided $1.00 was more than sufficient. I’m prepared, when my kids ask why someone got more…

    “Everyone has a personal toothfairy. That might be all our Tooth Fairy can afford. At least they gave you a dollar. I got 50 cents.” 🙂

    Sandi
    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
    Lake Forest, CA USA
    **Down 10lbs in 2 weeks!

    Like

  11. msmouse7 says:

    Excellent rules! I vote to adopt them. And who drew the cute little tooth fairy? Anna perhaps?

    Like

  12. dragonfae says:

    Number 5 made me laugh. No matter how hard we tried to keep a clear path (tooth fairy duties or otherwise) Darling Daughter’s cat would mine the floor with Barbie shoes … those things hurt!

    Like

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