If I Were Independently Wealthy

I’m a daydreamer by trade, but sadly, I don’t get paid. However, if I ever find a sucker willing to pay me boatloads of cash for my nonsense, I plan on spending it wisely. I won’t squander it on jewels, furs and fancy cars. That would be silly. I intend to spend my wealth on a staff of people to do my dirty work. As my mother always says, “I want people, damn it!”

1. Coffee Fetcher – I’d like to wake up each morning to the smell of pumpkin spiced coffee wafting through the air, as someone gently whispers, “Good morning, Nancy. It’s time for you to start your day. Please allow me to fluff your pillows so you can comfortably sip your coffee as you watch the Weather Channel. I’ll have the Kid Waker-Upper get the children started.”

2. Kid Waker-Upper  The job of waking a house of pre-pubescent children, to put it mildly, really sucks. I’m sick of all the, “It’s time to wake up. Please get up. I need you to get up. C’mon get up. GET UP NOW!” Once I’m making the big bucks, I plan on hiring someone to do this godforsaken job. From now on when I hear, “Mom, I’m late! Why didn’t you wake me up earlier? I’m going to miss the bus. I don’t have time for breakfast.” I’ll sweetly respond, “I don’t really care. Go talk to the Kid Waker-Upper. That’s what I pay him for. Hush now, I’m drinking coffee and watching the The Weather Channel.”

3. Lunch Packer – I hate packing lunch. These kids think I’m some sort of short order cook and refuse to buy the school lunch. “Mom, I think the school is a terrible cook. I seriously think they barf and then form it into whatever they are serving for the day.” It’s hard to argue with that, so I’ve decided to hire a Lunch Packer. I plan on paying him well because the next time I hear, “Mom, I can’t eat this sandwich. It has crusts on it.” I will calmly say, “I don’t really care. Go talk to the Lunch Packer. That’s what I pay him for. Now leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m busy drinking coffee and watching the The Weather Channel? Skedaddle, child.”

4. Laundry Folder – I hate doing laundry even more than packing lunch. It might be the world’s worst job. I can usually manage washing and drying the clothes. It’s the folding and putting away of the clothes that I find challenging. Tell me, exactly how many times are you allowed to dump the laundry on your bed with the intention of folding it, only to scoop it back up at night and toss it back into the basket? I fear I may be nearing the limit. Any moment the men in the little white coats may show up to take me away.  That’s why I plan on hiring a Laundry Folder. I’ll be able to enjoy laundry perfection while I sip my coffee and watch The Weather Channel.

5. Kid Schlepper –  I’m sick of driving my kids here, there and everywhere. I spend half of my life in a minivan, which is not an inspiring place, especially with all the smashed goldfish crackers and rotting half-eaten cheeseburgers in the cup holders. Don’t even get me started on how it wreaks havoc on your backside. Once I’m independently wealthy, I plan on hiring a Kid Schlepper, of course he’ll have a spotless driving record, be prompt and reliable. The next time I hear, “Mom, come on! I’m going to be late to practice.” I’ll lovingly say, “I don’t care. Go tell the Kid Schlepper. That’s what I pay him for.” I’ll be home lounging on the couch when the coach yells, “Will your late for practice. Go run a lap!” Will, starting his lap, will shout back, “Sorry, coach. My mom made me take the bus. The Kid Schlepper never showed. My mom’s done with schlepping, she’s busy laying on the couch sipping wine and watching The Weather Channel. Did you hear it might snow?”

Tell me. If you were independently wealthy, who would you hire? And, by chance, do you have a thing for The Weather Channel too?

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A mother's plight to find the funny in the frustrating and save her sanity.
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64 Responses to If I Were Independently Wealthy

  1. These are all of the tasks of a mother that often go unthanked! It makes me grateful for my mom who seemed to be able to do it all and still work 5 days a week. I think she would have most appreciated a laundry folder–that seemed to accumulate endlessly.

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  2. breezyk says:

    Great post- I’d hire a house cleaner, someone to do all of my inane administrative life tasks, and a news and current events consultant- who would dictate the top news stories of the day to me during my morning commute. Let a sister know if you ever find that money tree, would ya?

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    • Welcome, Bree. According to my 9-year-old, you can grow a money tree, but here’s the catch…“Mom, did you know that if you bury a quarter from the state of Minnesota in your backyard, at exactly 11:59 pm during a thunderstorm, you’ll grow a real live money tree? But, here’s the problem…you can’t spend the money because it’s illegal and the police will throw you in juvie if you try. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”
      Thanks so much for reading!

      Like

  3. Personal driver. Definitely personal driver. I’d relish that extra sleep time like a mofo.

    And maid/shopper! Someone who’d keep the house clean and bring in new organizational devices (such as shelves) when Ba.D. goes into another accumulation cycle.

    Aaah, how sweet it is to dream!

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  4. Doc says:

    So 3 out of 5 of your schleppers are men? Good luck with that!

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  5. I would definitely want a masseuse. Unfortunately, I don’t have time for a massage break, so I would also have to hire the Kid Schlepper and use that time for the masseuse. I also want a maid, but I’m picky, so she (or he – I’m an equal opportunity 1% of the population now) would have to be trained on how to properly load the dishwasher. I don’t mind folding laundry, though. It’s the only time I get to watch tv. And believe me, Nancy… if I have a spare tv hour you can bet I won’t be watching The Weather Channel. Really? That’s your favorite?

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    • I watch The Weather Channel every morning while I have coffee. It helps me wake up and gives me the latest news. They have a really great early morning program. Sometimes I put it on duirng the day. I find it soothing, sort of like background music. But, my new favorite show is Bored to Death on HBO. It’s ridiculously hilarious. I got caught up on the newest season on Saturday while I folded about 10 loads of laundry. It helped ease the pain.

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  6. Lenore Diane says:

    Yes, I have a thing for the Weather Channel. I also have a thing for Jim Cantore. We don’t have cable, but I will check out the Weather Channel whenever I visit someone who does have cable.
    “Yes. It is good to see you again. Thanks for inviting me over. Do you mind if I turn on the Weather Channel?”

    If I become independently wealthy, I am going to hire a Kid Separator. Someone in charge of keeping my boys out of eyesight of one another. And, if one of them yells, “Mom! Joe is looking at me.” I’ll defer to the Kid Separator for assistance, while I sit back and think about Jim.

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  7. Laundry folder, yes indeed. And cat litter scooper. And a secretary of education to oversee homework. Mine already make their own lunches.

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  8. Contessa says:

    I love your ideas!
    What kinds of people would I need?
    1. A litter-box cleaner. Twenty-four hour service, please.
    2. A stylist. Because, really, have you SEEN me? I’m a disaster. :p

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    • Welcome, Contessa. A stylist is another excellent idea. I would want them to buy the clothes, hang the clothes up, lay the clothes out for me in the morning, pick them up off the floor at night and then launder them. I would also need them to do my make-up, hair and nails. That’s not really asking too much, is it? 😉 Thanks for reading.

      Like

  9. I would have added Homework Nagger.

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  10. John Erickson says:

    If you’re willing to trust the little ones to a leadfoot, I’ll be your schlepper. Any minivan or wagon will do, as long as it has at LEAST 300 horsepower! 😀
    And I can save you one position – waker-upper. Just get one of those Super Soaker water guns, fill it and leave it in the refridge over night. When it’s time to get up, hose the kids down. A little ice-water works WONDERS in waking kids up!

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  11. Dinner Whipper Upper. Definitely. And Toilet Scrubber Outer.

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  12. And Boot in the Butt-er.

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  13. funny post. this is why i think statues oughta be erected to mothers. continue…

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  14. I would employ someone I’d like to call The Whinernator. She/he could endure my kids’ endless whining for me and I could just sit back and listen to my iPod in peace.

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  15. Bearman says:

    Laundry Folder and Cat LItter cleaner is all I need. Oh and toilet cleaner.

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  16. ryoko861 says:

    Ah……my kids are out of that phase. I am SO done with school!
    Dishwasher Emptier. That’s what I want. And Bathroom Cleaner Upper! Those are the two most hated things in my life. I like She’s a Maineiac’s comment: The Whinernator! Yeah, that’s what I could have used back in the day!

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    • I don’t mind being a Dishwasher Emptier or a Bathroom Cleaner, but what do you think of a Grocery Shopper and Puter Awayer? That would be heaven on earth. I hate going to the grocery store and I hate putting the groceries away even more.

      Like

  17. MC/Curtis says:

    ButterSword employees I guess. Good artists to redraw all our pages really great. People to do all the social networking and website and marketing. We could just do the fun stuff.

    Also an auto mechanic.

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    • Great idea, MC. I need people to spruce up this blog. I’m deathly afraid to change anything for fear that I’ll wipe this whole blog out. I’m so horrible with technology, it’s a wonder I can even reply to your comment.
      A mechanic would be nice. My husband just told me I’m WAY overdue on an oil change. I thought it onlyy needed to be changed once a year. Who knew?

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  18. Hahaha…
    I might be able to handle laundry folder.
    Of course, it’ll take me at least a week to finish ‘folding’ more than half a dozen items, and by ‘fold’ I more or less mean crumple up into a nice, wrinkly bundle.
    References available upon request.
    🙂

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  19. cooper says:

    My kids are at the age where I would get a staff psychologist to engage them on the best behaviors that would prevent them from moving back in.

    Then I’d get a baker to make cakes all day.

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  20. Megan Bieber says:

    I’m glad you just go straight from drinking coffee to drinking wine… At what point does the cheese come into the picture?

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  21. Spectra says:

    These are all good ideas and sound investments. I would also hire a qualified double to go to work for me (if I had a job, that is…oh, heck, if I had a job and became wealthy, I’d quit!). I hate doing dishes, so I will definately hire a personal dishwasher. I like doing and folding laundry; I consider it an art form. Putting it away, that is altogether another matter. Also, lawn mower guy, fence repair guy, house painter guy, dust and de-cobwebber guy. A Personal Daily Organizer. Get those closets, sheds and attic firgured out for me, will ya? But don’t throw anything away!

    Like

  22. Sarah says:

    Great ideas! Now that I’ve moved from the US to the UK, I dream of “productivity tools” that already exist! Oh to have a machine that makes your clothes dry in 30 minutes instead of 2 days on the line….oh to have some way to wash dishes all at once instead of manually one at a time… 🙂

    Like

    • Welcome, Sarah. Thanks for reading.
      My cousin just moved back to the US after living in Germany for 3 years. She also raves about the ease of doing laundry again. That and baking.
      Make sure you wear gloves when you wash your dishes. It’s hell on the hands. 😉

      Like

  23. Tony McGurk says:

    The coffee fetcher would be great. Especially in the evening when Michelle allocates me as her coffee fetcher. The “It’s your turn” excuse never works on her because she always, always, always reminds me that she cooks dinner so making coffee is a small task in comparison. Besides she says I make the best coffee. I think the best coffee reason is just flattery to get me to do it.

    Like

  24. Goeber.com says:

    Wow, I loved this blog. And the comments. I can identify with a lot of these stories. My wife is always telling them to me. Ofcourse when the kids are older a bunch of these issues wil be obsolete. Though a coffee fetcher is always nice. I’ll try to check out your blog more often. Keep up the good work.

    Like

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