I’m a daydreamer by trade, but sadly, I don’t get paid. However, if I ever find a sucker willing to pay me boatloads of cash for my nonsense, I plan on spending it wisely. I won’t squander it on jewels, furs and fancy cars. That would be silly. I intend to spend my wealth on a staff of people to do my dirty work. As my mother always says, “I want people, damn it!”
1. Coffee Fetcher – I’d like to wake up each morning to the smell of pumpkin spiced coffee wafting through the air, as someone gently whispers, “Good morning, Nancy. It’s time for you to start your day. Please allow me to fluff your pillows so you can comfortably sip your coffee as you watch the Weather Channel. I’ll have the Kid Waker-Upper get the children started.”
2. Kid Waker-Upper – The job of waking a house of pre-pubescent children, to put it mildly, really sucks. I’m sick of all the, “It’s time to wake up. Please get up. I need you to get up. C’mon get up. GET UP NOW!” Once I’m making the big bucks, I plan on hiring someone to do this godforsaken job. From now on when I hear, “Mom, I’m late! Why didn’t you wake me up earlier? I’m going to miss the bus. I don’t have time for breakfast.” I’ll sweetly respond, “I don’t really care. Go talk to the Kid Waker-Upper. That’s what I pay him for. Hush now, I’m drinking coffee and watching the The Weather Channel.”
3. Lunch Packer – I hate packing lunch. These kids think I’m some sort of short order cook and refuse to buy the school lunch. “Mom, I think the school is a terrible cook. I seriously think they barf and then form it into whatever they are serving for the day.” It’s hard to argue with that, so I’ve decided to hire a Lunch Packer. I plan on paying him well because the next time I hear, “Mom, I can’t eat this sandwich. It has crusts on it.” I will calmly say, “I don’t really care. Go talk to the Lunch Packer. That’s what I pay him for. Now leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m busy drinking coffee and watching the The Weather Channel? Skedaddle, child.”
4. Laundry Folder – I hate doing laundry even more than packing lunch. It might be the world’s worst job. I can usually manage washing and drying the clothes. It’s the folding and putting away of the clothes that I find challenging. Tell me, exactly how many times are you allowed to dump the laundry on your bed with the intention of folding it, only to scoop it back up at night and toss it back into the basket? I fear I may be nearing the limit. Any moment the men in the little white coats may show up to take me away. That’s why I plan on hiring a Laundry Folder. I’ll be able to enjoy laundry perfection while I sip my coffee and watch The Weather Channel.
5. Kid Schlepper – I’m sick of driving my kids here, there and everywhere. I spend half of my life in a minivan, which is not an inspiring place, especially with all the smashed goldfish crackers and rotting half-eaten cheeseburgers in the cup holders. Don’t even get me started on how it wreaks havoc on your backside. Once I’m independently wealthy, I plan on hiring a Kid Schlepper, of course he’ll have a spotless driving record, be prompt and reliable. The next time I hear, “Mom, come on! I’m going to be late to practice.” I’ll lovingly say, “I don’t care. Go tell the Kid Schlepper. That’s what I pay him for.” I’ll be home lounging on the couch when the coach yells, “Will your late for practice. Go run a lap!” Will, starting his lap, will shout back, “Sorry, coach. My mom made me take the bus. The Kid Schlepper never showed. My mom’s done with schlepping, she’s busy laying on the couch sipping wine and watching The Weather Channel. Did you hear it might snow?”
Tell me. If you were independently wealthy, who would you hire? And, by chance, do you have a thing for The Weather Channel too?