A Writing Hangover

I find writing to be a lot like drinking. After a cocktail or two, I feel like the most fascinating person in the world. Sorta like the Dos Equis guy, only less mannish and minus the accent. It’s not until the next morning, when I’m left with a slight headache, that I realize I was less like the Dos Equis guy and more like Homer Simpson with a donut shoved in his mouth. “D’oh!”

Like the time I was doing some crazy no-carb diet and accidentally drank too much at my nephew’s First Holy Communion celebration. Feeling no pain and shielded by a suit of armor made of fermented grapes aged in french oak, I challenged the guests to a “kick-ass” game of Quarters, using a special reserve Cabernet, served in Waterford crystal goblets. Disappointed in my lackluster performance or the fact that I almost choked on the quarter, I then declared my undying love for Champagne, downed a bottle and proceeded to refer to other people’s children as “little a**holes.” Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention that I had to be whisked out the backdoor by my husband who decided that he had seen enough of my shenanigans for one evening.

Nope. Not one of my finer moments. I’ll let you imagine how I felt the next morning when I had to make the call-of-shame to apologize for my bad behavior. I still cringe and consider fleeing the country every time I think about that night.

Strangely enough, I have a similar experience when I write. I get what I think is a brilliant idea, write it down and congratulate myself on my witty sense of humor. Flooded with euphoria, I briefly imagine some person of extreme power and wealth spying my fabulousness and offering to pay me a bazillion dollars for my knack for nonsense. I smile, spy the Publish button in the upper right hand corner of my screen and click it with confidence.  Then it happens. “D’oh!”

I’m startled as I hear a rustling sound and witness a nasty creature called Insecurity slither out from under the desk and snake up the back of my chair. He winds himself around my neck and flicks his serpent-like tongue at my cheek before disappearing into my ear. The evil bastard then wreaks havoc on my brain, leaving me riddled with self-doubt and poisoned with insecurity. I now regret hitting the Publish button almost as much as that mortifying night of Cabernet Quarters.

It’s at this moment that I imagine friends and family getting together just to talk about me. “Can you believe she writes such crap? Let’s not invite her to the next dinner party.”

I picture my shamed parents putting their house on the market, relocating to Del Boca Vista and requesting an unlisted number that they give only to my brother. “Brian, no matter how much she begs, don’t give it to her!”

I start to worry about the impending blogging doom. I’m afraid to check my WordPress stats for fear that they’re in the toilet and I’m losing followers faster than I lose my mind at homework time.

I think I hear my husband’s key in the door, which is odd because it’s midmorning. Clear as day, I imagine him carrying a cardboard box filled with personal belongings, framed pictures of fat round babies poking out of the top of the box. The door opens, he looks at me, shakes his head and says, “Nance, Corporate saw it. What the hell were you thinking?”

And, again, I cringe and consider fleeing the country.

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About youngamericanwisdom.com

A mother's plight to find the funny in the frustrating and save her sanity.
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41 Responses to A Writing Hangover

  1. Meemaw says:

    And you wonder where Jay gets his flights of fancy from? Also, who opened their big mouth and told you about Del Boca Vista?

    Like

  2. daeja's view says:

    i am there…. 😛

    Like

  3. Grannie Annie says:

    Granny Annie’s lover says “HUH? If you are being denied and deserted by everyone because you’re sounding like you have been overexposed to Jay……..you can always come to Sanibel with no questions asked

    Like

  4. vanessagobes says:

    you’re so funny. tell your insecurities to hit the bricks. true creativity doesn’t come from inhibition, it comes from risk. but, for the record, i’d be lying if i said i haven’t felt just the same way. i blog about my past lives and other potentially crazy-sounding divine weirdness. that said, my husband actually has come home saying, “vanessa, now you’ve got my clients reading this shit. they’re going to think we’re looped. can you lay off?” poor bastard. he doesn’t know that we writers are a strange breed of people, and once we get started there’s no stopping.

    love love love your voice. i shared your bus series on my facebook page and you picked up a nice little fan group here in winchester, mass. work it out, sister!

    peace!!!!!!

    Like

  5. Yep, pretty normal feelings for a blogger… we’re all there with you.

    Like

  6. cooper says:

    **** ’em if they can’t take a joke. Cabernet quarters…that’s awesome. it’s your blog…write what ever the heck you want….damn the torpedoes!!!!! or was that potatoes????

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  7. breezyk says:

    too funny- a great analogy. I feel this way all the time.. damn that insecurity snake!

    Like

  8. Lenore Diane says:

    I wish you would drink – er – I mean – write more, Nancy! As some of those before me have said, I can relate to your words. Brilliant! Your ego is safe. 🙂

    Like

  9. ryoko861 says:

    We all go through that! That’s why there’s the “delete” button. I’ve deleted plenty of posts I thought were witty and brilliant only to go back and reread the mess I created and delete it. Don’t worry, you’re writing is safe. It’s wonderful and I always look forward to your posts!
    Can’t picture you toasted and carrying on. We should go out sometime! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..

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    • I still die a little inside each time I remember that night. You can dress me up, but it’s risky taking me out! 😉

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      • ryoko861 says:

        Oh PULLLEEEASE! You were a sight but you cracked people up because they know you better. I’m sure it’s been forgotten! I’ve had my share of “that night”. Don’t even think about it anymore. OMG, you and I together….geez…that would be one of those “that night”! 😀

        Like

  10. Grannie Annie says:

    Could it that time of the month??? I’ve never known you to be so down on yourself…

    Like

  11. You’re not alone. I think every writer has had those feeling. Some days I get up from my computer convinced that I’m the next Hemingway and then other days I think the very same sentence is the worst drivel written in the history of the world. Sigh…

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  12. Aw c’mon, don’t wimp out. Shoot, back in college, I figured I was screwing up if I didn’t humiliate myself once a week, MINIMUM! And that was WITHOUT alcohol – actually, I was much less of an obnoxious SOB drunk. (TONS more philosophical, and therefore boring as wallpaper paste, but not obnoxious.)
    So go out there and embarrass yourself! You gotta give your kids SOME reason for needing therapy, right? 😉

    Like

  13. Tony McGurk says:

    Sounds like the Holy Communion was a real blast. Don’t sell yourselfd short. Your posts are always excellent.
    Although I do the same with my comics. Some ideas seem funny at the time then later when I look at my ideas list I end up crossing some off ‘cos they seem dumb.

    Like

  14. You are an incredible writer, Nancy!
    And my judgment is completely sound! Why, I haven’t had a drop to drink… in… an undisclosed and ‘somewhat impressive’ amount of time!
    🙂

    Like

  15. Binky says:

    When you first get an idea, it almost always seems great. It’s only on reflection that you can properly judge its value. Letting an idea sit for a while is the best way to know if it really holds up or not.

    Like

  16. frigginloon says:

    I think you should set Jay onto this self doubt person, he’ll whipass it 🙂 .

    Like

  17. Androgoth says:

    Yes a very good read this one Nancy and I don’t
    need Champagne to add Assholes to other peeps kid’s,
    it just comes natural when they are being naughty 🙂 lol
    By the way I am making you a handmade sword, it will
    have a secondary use of a Nerf Gun so be careful how
    you wave it around, especially while in the niff 🙂 lol

    Andro xxx

    Like

    • Do I need a special sword-carrying license or can i just lay it on the passenger seat of my minivan when I’m driving around town? Maybe wave it at the guy behind me who insists on tailgating. 😉

      Like

      • Androgoth says:

        Hey just touch your brakes that will
        scare him / her into a braking frenzy 🙂
        Those tailgaters are a real pain 😦

        Have fun tonight and be naughty 😉 lol

        Andro xxx

        Like

  18. J. Boudreaux says:

    My motto when it comes to blogging: Write what you think about, but don’t think about what you write! Works for me so far. No one has lobbed a grenade into my place . . . yet. Once again, great post, love your sense of humor. I’m gonna “blog roll” you on mine. J.

    Like

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