Me: Well, of course it does. Why would you do something so stupid?
Will: Jay told me to. Am I going to be ok?
Me: I’m not sure at what point taking medical advice from your 10-year-old brother seemed like a good idea. He’s the same kid who’s convinced you can make soda by farting into a juice box.
Jay: Hey! I heard that. I was just trying to help.
Me: I appreciate you trying to help, but telling your brother to use a turkey baster to remove water from his ear is not a good idea.
Jay: It seemed like something a doctor would do.
Me: Last time I checked, they weren’t handing out medical degrees to 4th graders.
Jay: Actually, you’re wrong. In places like China, there are really smart 8-year-olds performing brain surgery. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.
Me: Don’t believe anything you hear on the bus. And anyway, you’re not from China and you’re not a doctor.
Jay: No, but it would be pretty cool if I was. I’d ask everybody to call me Dr. Jay.
Will: Ow! You’re killing me!
Me: Please hold still and let me put in the drops.
Jay: Is his ear busted up for good? Because if it is, it might be sorta cool if he had to learn sign language. Then he’d be bilingual. I hear that helps you get into college.
Will: Oh my God! Am I going deaf? I don’t want to learn sign language!
Me: Calm down! You’ll be fine. Just promise that you guys will never do anything this stupid again. Got it?
Jay: Ok. We promise, but just so you know, that juice box thing really works. I haven’t perfected it yet, but I’m pretty close. The last time I tried, I found a few bubbles in my juice.