Category Archives: funny kid quotes

His Wingman Drinks Chocolate Milk

“You know what, Will? You better be nice to me, because someday you’re gonna be sitting in a bar when a bunch of pretty ladies walk in, and you’re gonna need me by your side, cuz we both know…that I’m the … Continue reading

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Deep Thoughts For Awesome People

“Mom, it’s just like that ancient Chinese riddle, ‘What’s more hyper… a fat dog laying on the couch or a monkey eating a banana?’” Monday morning deep thoughts and pearls of wisdom.          

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The Antisocial Extrovert

  “Mom, here’s the problem…you guys spend way too much time worrying about my math grades when the real problem here is that math makes me feel antisocial. And really, you don’t want my conversations in life to be about … Continue reading

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No Junk In The Trunk?

Every time I need a little pick-me-up, I check out Jay’s desk for his latest creation. Happy Friday, everyone! Wishing you all a disappointment-free weekend.

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It’s Crapping Up My Life

Jay:  Mom, I seriously wish math would stop crapping up my life. Me:  Jay, math is important. It helps your brain develop. Jay:  It hurts my brain, that’s what it does. Can’t I just skip it? Me:  You’re in 5th … Continue reading

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Tastes Like Chicken

Will:  Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. I never thought the kid would actually eat the worm. And besides, he technically never ate it. He just popped it in his mouth and let it squirm around. Me:  Oh my … Continue reading

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So, Tell Me About Yourself…

“Mom, I’ve gotta write a little autobiography. You know, it’s that thing where you write down a bunch of junk about yourself. Anyway, check mine out. I think it’s pretty good.”    

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I Heard It On The Bus: XIII

“Mom, whenever you think someone seems too perfect, just snoop through their bathroom drawers until you find their anti-diarrhea medicine and then you’ll feel much better about yourself. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” Actually, a dose of anti-diarrhea medicine sounds … Continue reading

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The Bad Babysitter

(ring, ring) Me:  Hello? Anna:  Mom, when do you think you guys will be home? Me:  We’re having dessert now. Why? What’s wrong? Anna:  Well, nothing serious, it’s just that Jay thinks he might be having a heart attack. Me:  WHAT? Anna:  Yup, he says … Continue reading

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Say What?

“Mom, you look like some sort of strange spider monkey in oversized sunglasses and your armpits smell like the airport bar in the Philadelphia Airport, you know the one with the really good cheese fries? But you know what? I … Continue reading

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Cat Fight

Anna:  God, Mom! I’m so irritated today. Ugh! Me:  Me, too. Must be the rain. Wanna fight? Anna:  Ok. What should we fight about? Me:  I don’t care. Go ahead, I’ll let you pick. Anna:  Umm…how about how annoying it is … Continue reading

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Underwear Worms

Me:  Jay, did you shower? Jay:  Yup. Me:  Then how come only the back of your head is wet? Jay:  I guess the front of my head dries fast. Me:  Did you at least use soap? Jay:  Yup. Me:  Is … Continue reading

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For the Love of Oscar Mayer

“Mom, you know how Dad is really good at cooking hot dogs?                         Well, I think he should open a restaurant and call it Dad’s House of Wieners.” I think there’s some truth to that old saying, “You are what you eat.”  Happy Friday, … Continue reading

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You Stuck What Where?

Will:  It hurts! Me:   Well, of course it does. Why would you do something so stupid? Will:  Jay told me to. Am I going to be ok? Me:   I’m not sure at what point taking medical advice from your 10-year-old brother … Continue reading

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You Better Let Her Sing

Jay:  Mom, you’re never gonna believe this, but today at recess, a bunch of girls on the playground called me over. They were standing in a group with their arms crossed and their hands on their hips. I was sorta scared … Continue reading

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Jerry Garcia Has Seen Me Naked

Will:  Mom, what’s up with the strange guy in the shower? I hate how he’s always staring at me. Me:  Try not to make eye contact. Maybe you’ll forget he’s there. Will:  I’ve tried. I’m thinking about wearing my bathing … Continue reading

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He No Speak Chinese

Me:  Alright! Which one of you thought it would be a good idea to smear your dirty fingers all over the inside of my car windows? You know, the same car windows I just cleaned? Will:  Oh, that? That was me, but … Continue reading

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The Mama Lisa

Jay:  Mom, just so you know, I’m drawing your portrait right this very minute. Me:  Ok, great. Jay:  Try to act natural, just keep packing lunch. Oh, and while you’re at it, stick in a few extra packs of fruit snacks, would … Continue reading

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Vitamin Boy

Jay:  Hey, Mom! Remember when I was little and crawled up on the counter and ate half a bottle of vitamins? I almost had to get my stomach pumped, right? Me:  Yes, you did! I had to call Poison Control. I still can’t … Continue reading

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Asparagus, Rap and the Thousand Paper Cranes

Me:  Jay, please eat your asparagus. Jay:  But it’s disgusting. Me:  Just eat it. It’s good for you. Jay:  I think it’s really unfair that everything that’s good for you has to taste so bad. Me:  It’s just the way it is. Now, eat it. … Continue reading

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Don’t Answer The Phone…it’s embarrassing!

Me:  Anna Kate, Katy called. I told her you’d call her right back. AK:  She called on the house phone? That’s weird. Me:  No. She called on your phone. AK:  Oh My God, Mom! You answered my phone? Me:  Of course, I … Continue reading

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Don’t Touch My Toothbrush!

Me:  Jay, did you brush your teeth? Jay:  Yup. If you don’t believe me, you can even ask Will. Will:  He did. I saw him…using MY toothbrush! Me:  Jay! Jay:  What? I couldn’t find mine. Will:  Mom, I can’t take … Continue reading

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Happily Ever After

“Mom, when I grow up, I’m gonna marry a girl that likes to drink a lot of beer.” At least he has goals.                                          Happy Friday, everyone. Cheers!

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Let’s Make A Deal

“Mom, I don’t get why you’re so mad. It’s only considered bribery when you do it to the government. Then it’s illegal and you can get thrown in jail, I get that part. But, there’s nothing wrong with offering your … Continue reading

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Is That A Booger?

Jay:  Mom, you know how Katy Perry wrote that Firework song to inspirate people? Me:  You mean to ‘inspire’ people? A booger-free Katy Perry is an inpiration. Jay:  Yeah. That’s what I just said. Me:  Oh, ok. Yes. I know the … Continue reading

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Cheesy Art Show

Art shows are the new rage in my home. The artist shows up to his event wearing his finest. He’s dressed to impress in a wrinkled dress shirt, basketball shorts, mismatched socks and loafers. Stray cookie crumbs decorate the corners … Continue reading

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The Birds, The Bees And A Couple Of Milkshakes

Will:  Can someone pass the ketchup, please? Me:  You know what, Will? I think you have that Sex-Ed talk coming up in school soon. Dad and I want to have a little chat with you before it starts, just in case … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: XII

“Mom, did you know that you’ll have less stress in your life if you grow-up to be a professional poker player instead of the President of the United States? Plus, you’ll make more money and get to wear really cool sunglasses. … Continue reading

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Another Embarrassing Lunch

“Oh, man, Mom! You’re not making me bring that thermos to school, are you?” “Of course I am? What’s wrong with it?” “Look at it! It’s a crayon. You might as well send me to school in a diaper. I … Continue reading

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Mr. McFarty Pants

“Mom, when I grow-up, I’m gonna invent a Fart Detector to bust all the people who lie about farting. Then, I’m gonna write a book called The Fart Finder. It’s about this guy named Mr. McFarty Pants who travels the world … Continue reading

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Totally Craptastic!

“Mom, just so you know…the toilet paper in this house isn’t working. Oh, and by the way, I decided that on Crazy Mismatch Day, I’m gonna wear my underwear on the outside of my clothes.” Jay-10 Happy Friday, everyone!

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part XI

I recently received the loveliest rejection letter from the editor of MAD Magazine for my submission of I Heard It On The Bus. I know, you don’t usually associate the word lovely with MAD Magazine or rejection, but honestly, their thanks-but-no-thanks letter … Continue reading

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The Insane Mom

“Jay, what’s this?” “Oh, that? It’s just a little something I’ve been working on. Hey, but don’t worry…it’s not about you. I swear!”   Should I be concerned?

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Are You Gonna Eat That?

“Mom, are you pregnant? I’ve noticed how much you’ve been eating lately.” This is what I said… “No…I am not, young lady! And listen to me, it’s never polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant…even your own mother!” But this … Continue reading

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Answer Promptly With A Smile

“Will, you need to call Billy. The poor kid’s called here 3 times. He needs the homework assignment for English. Ok?” “Ok.” “Here’s the phone. Now remember, you can’t continue to call people and say, ‘Hey, it’s me. Who’s this?’ It’s rude … Continue reading

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Go Ahead, Quit Your Day Job

“Dad, does is totally suck to have to go to work everyday?” “No, I wouldn’t say that, but I’d much rather hang out with you guys all day. And, by the way, watch your mouth, mister.” “So, they don’t give … Continue reading

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Is Your Refrigerator Running?

“Will, did you take your cell phone, which is supposed to be used for emergencies only, to school and prank call your sister from the bus this morning?” “I did…we thought it would be funny!” “Who’s ‘we?’” “Everybody on the … Continue reading

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He Ain’t No Fred Astaire

“Mom, if you make me sign-up for Ballroom dancing at school, I’ll be forced to run away, probably to Mexico and then you’ll be down to just 2 kids. I thought you should know.” Will-11 As tempting as this may … Continue reading

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Slightly Clueless

“Mom, I think it would be really hard to start-up a new country. I mean, think of how stressful it would be to come up with a national anthem. And, what about all the pressure involved in designing a new flag? I … Continue reading

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I’m Seriously Serious

“Mom, I always put an exclamation point after my name so that people will know to take me seriously.” I think there are more than a few politicians out there that should consider this same approach.

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