Category Archives: Humor

Does Medicare Pay For Playboy?

RING, RING… “Hello?” “Nancy, it’s your 78-year-old mother-in-law. Listen, I need you to tell me where I can buy a Playboy magazine.”  “Excuse me? Did you just ask me where to buy pornography?” “Yes, dear. I haven’t a clue where … Continue reading

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The Insane Mom

“Jay, what’s this?” “Oh, that? It’s just a little something I’ve been working on. Hey, but don’t worry…it’s not about you. I swear!”   Should I be concerned?

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Are You Gonna Eat That?

“Mom, are you pregnant? I’ve noticed how much you’ve been eating lately.” This is what I said… “No…I am not, young lady! And listen to me, it’s never polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant…even your own mother!” But this … Continue reading

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Answer Promptly With A Smile

“Will, you need to call Billy. The poor kid’s called here 3 times. He needs the homework assignment for English. Ok?” “Ok.” “Here’s the phone. Now remember, you can’t continue to call people and say, ‘Hey, it’s me. Who’s this?’ It’s rude … Continue reading

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Go Ahead, Quit Your Day Job

“Dad, does is totally suck to have to go to work everyday?” “No, I wouldn’t say that, but I’d much rather hang out with you guys all day. And, by the way, watch your mouth, mister.” “So, they don’t give … Continue reading

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Is Your Refrigerator Running?

“Will, did you take your cell phone, which is supposed to be used for emergencies only, to school and prank call your sister from the bus this morning?” “I did…we thought it would be funny!” “Who’s ‘we?’” “Everybody on the … Continue reading

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He Ain’t No Fred Astaire

“Mom, if you make me sign-up for Ballroom dancing at school, I’ll be forced to run away, probably to Mexico and then you’ll be down to just 2 kids. I thought you should know.” Will-11 As tempting as this may … Continue reading

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Slightly Clueless

“Mom, I think it would be really hard to start-up a new country. I mean, think of how stressful it would be to come up with a national anthem. And, what about all the pressure involved in designing a new flag? I … Continue reading

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I’m Seriously Serious

“Mom, I always put an exclamation point after my name so that people will know to take me seriously.” I think there are more than a few politicians out there that should consider this same approach.

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part X

“Mom, did you know that the best kind of teachers are the ones that laugh at your jokes and don’t send you to the principal’s office? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” In celebration of the start of school … Continue reading

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Jayisms

“Mom, I’m thinking about starting my own blog. I’ve got a lot of important stuff to say.” “Oh, really?” “Yeah, but I’m having a hard time picking a title. If you let me, this is what I’m thinking… 1.  My Stupid Sister … Continue reading

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My Son the Circus Freak

“Mom, when I grow up, I might get a job taking care of monkeys. I’ll keep one for myself and name him Bananas, then I’ll dress him up in a tuxedo and make him drive around town in a little toy … Continue reading

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Best Day Ever

“Mom, today was the best day of my life. Three great things happened at school today. First, I found a bunch of money randomly laying on the ground, so I picked it up and spent it at the school store. Second, I’ve … Continue reading

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Long Term Plans In Shorts

“Mom, when I grow up, I’m gonna have a pool and to make it really fun, I’ll put a diving board on my roof. I’m also gonna have a butler who plays video games with me and packs me lobster for lunch … Continue reading

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It’s Brain Surgery, Not Rocket Science

“Mom, when I grow up I might wanna be a brain surgeon. I hear that’s a pretty good job. But here’s the thing, I’ll have to find some other guy to do the surgery because that would just be gross.”  Jay-9 … Continue reading

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A Few Observations About Italy

I’ve just returned home from a fantastic week in Northern Italy, kid free, thanks to the help of my parents. Did I mention they are no longer speaking to me? Anyway, I wanted to share a bit about my trip … Continue reading

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Ain’t It The Truth?

“Mom, life was easier when I believed the Disney Princesses were real and babies came out of belly buttons.”  Anna-12                                                                       

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The Battle of the Beans

“Mom, check this out. I’ve decided if I’m ever in an epic rap battle, this is what I’ll call myself… By the way, see that kid on the playground with the red hair? The one that’s wearing the yellow SpongeBob shirt and Batman backpack? … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part IX

“Mom, did you know that it’s a well-known fact that most presidential candidates are addicted to eating their own boogers? They keep a secret stash behind their ears. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” It’s never a good sign when school … Continue reading

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Who’s Hiding In Your Closet?

“Mom, now that I’m bigger, I don’t worry about ninjas coming in my window at night. I just worry about bad guys with chain saws in my closet.”  Jay-9 What keeps you up at night?

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This Prestigious Award Comes With Cheese

“Mom, they say it’s the world’s hardest thing to win and you’ve gotta do lots of good stuff, but when I grow up, I might wanna try to win the Nobel Pizza Prize.”  Jay-9 I wonder if that’s pick-up or … Continue reading

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Where’d This Come From?

“Mom, for breakfast can you pour me a bowl of the Cocoa Puffs I snuck into the cart yesterday and you still don’t know we own? They’re hiding behind the Cheerios in the back of the pantry. Thanks, Mom. You’re … Continue reading

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I Dare You To Jump

“Mom, you wanna hear something pretty stupid? Kids can’t jump off the swings at recess or they’ll get in big trouble. I mean, what if there’s an emergency like a fire or something? I think the school should think about stuff like … Continue reading

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The Dreaded School Project

Other than a letter from the school nurse notifying you of a lice infestation in your child’s classroom, nothing rattles parents quite like the dreaded school project assignment. “Guess what, Mom? We’re doing a super fun project in school. It’s gonna be great! … Continue reading

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Snoop Dogg Has Pumped Up Kicks

“Will, did you know my new favorite rapper is Snoop Dogg?” “Jay, you’re crazy! You don’t even know who Snoop Dogg is. I bet you can’t name me one Snoop Dogg song.” “You’re wrong. I know tons of stuff you don’t think I know … Continue reading

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What Does Your Conscience Look Like?

“Wow, Will! This is an interesting drawing. I’m just a little curious why your guardian angel is wearing a sombrero and smoking a cigarette?” “Oh, that guy? He’s not my guardian angel, Mom. Senor Snagle is supposed to be my … Continue reading

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Will A Frozen Mouse Eat Cheese?

“Mom, did you hear the Disney guy froze himself in ice when he died? They say that costs a ton of money…probably why Disney World’s so expensive. But here’s the thing I just don’t get…when they bring him back to life, … Continue reading

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You Should Agree With My Opinion

“Mom, I’m totally coming shopping with you! I’ll help you find something perfect. Trust me, I know what looks good. We’re going to have so much fun!” Anna-12 *** “Ok, Anna. Let’s hear it. What do you think about this one?” “Nah. … Continue reading

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Fart on That!

“Mom, not that it matters, but I sorta told you Will would never read that book. I mean, c’mon, it has pictures of worms on the cover. The kid’s almost 11. The book’s completely unsophisticated.” “She’s right, Mom. No offense … Continue reading

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The Sweet Smell of Eau de Mint

“Jay, you have food all over your shirt. Run upstairs and change before the bus comes.” “Oh, that? That’s not food, Mom. It’s toothpaste and I wanna leave it there because it makes me smell good.”  Toothpaste…even cheaper than Old … Continue reading

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Get With The Program, Shorty!

“Ok. Now pay attention, Jay. My people are set up over here and your people are set up over there. If your people break the rules then my people can sue your people.” “Wait a second, Anna. I have no idea … Continue reading

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Stop Clowning Around!

“Mom, you know how Jay will pretty much believe anything you tell him? Well, I’ll bet you 5 bucks and a pack of baseball cards that if I tell him it’s Clown Day at school tomorrow, I can get him to go to … Continue reading

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Keep Your Pencil Out Of The Pissoir

“Jay, did you or did you not put your pencil in the urinal at church and then wipe it on your sister? Tell me the truth and do not lie!” “No! No way! I swear, Mom. I would never do that.” … Continue reading

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Smells Like A Size 5

Me:  “C’mon, guys! We’ve been through this before…the next time I find a wet towel on your bed or dresser, you’re all in serious trouble. You’re going to ruin the furniture. Pick up the towels and hang them on the hooks. It’s … Continue reading

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Guess What’s In The Chandelier?

“C’mon, Mom! Please stop crying. You’ve gotta admit…it’s sorta funny that the chandelier is now filled with pee.”  Anna-12 There’s nothing quite like returning home and discovering a waterfall in your dining room. One of my beautiful, smart children, who will … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

“Mom, did you know that the first piece of cheese was discovered in 1896 by a farmer in West Virginia? That guy had some sorta special cheese making cow that he sold to the government for a million bucks. That’s why we have … Continue reading

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Playing Hookey

“Mom, if I got a concussion would I have to go to school?” Jay-8 This is what I thought… “WTF?!?” But this is what I said… “Jay, why would you ask me that question?” This was his response… “No reason, … Continue reading

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My Child’s Gifted…eat your heart out!

“Mom, did you know there’s a kid on the bus who can fart his ABC’s? I think he might just be the luckiest kid in the whole world.”  Will-10 I, for one, would be thrilled as a parent to have this … Continue reading

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Deep Thoughts Over Cheerios

Prepare yourself, we are about to get deep… “Mom, I’ve got a question. What if I was sitting all by myself in my room, but everybody else in the whole world happened to be hanging out in Africa, I mean … Continue reading

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In The Eye Of The Beholder

“Mom, can you get me a grey sweater? Sorta like the color of your hair right before you dye it. Oh, and by the way, when you make that face, your forehead sorta reminds me of notebook paper. Thanks, mom. … Continue reading

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