Does Medicare Pay For Playboy?

RING, RING…

“Hello?”

“Nancy, it’s your 78-year-old mother-in-law. Listen, I need you to tell me where I can buy a Playboy magazine.” 

“Excuse me? Did you just ask me where to buy pornography?”

“Yes, dear. I haven’t a clue where to buy that sorta thing. Did you know you can’t buy Playboy at the grocery store?”

“No, I guess you can’t, now tell me…why, exactly, do you need a Playboy magazine?”

“I need it for a big neighborhood bash we’re having. We live in a very progressive neighborhood, you know.”

“You’re right about that. Last week I waved to the gentleman on the corner. He was parked in his wheelchair in the driveway reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Try Barnes & Noble. They have a huge magazine selection.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful. I’ll shoot right over after church. It’s our neighbor Joe’s 82nd birthday. He’ll be thrilled. He has Alzheimer’s and needs a bit of help remembering a few things.”

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The Insane Mom

“Jay, what’s this?”

“Oh, that? It’s just a little something I’ve been working on. Hey, but don’t worry…it’s not about you. I swear!”

 

Should I be concerned?

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Are You Gonna Eat That?

“Mom, are you pregnant? I’ve noticed how much you’ve been eating lately.”

This is what I said…

“No…I am not, young lady! And listen to me, it’s never polite to ask someone if they’re pregnant…even your own mother!”

But this is what I thought…

“Hell no! WTF kinda question is that? Have you lost your mind, child? Didn’t you see me drinking a giant glass of wine while I indulged in seconds during dinner last night? So what if I’ve been a little hungry?  Now leave me alone, you nosey kid, so I can eat my second cream cheese laden bagel in peace. Be gone!”

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Answer Promptly With A Smile

“Will, you need to call Billy. The poor kid’s called here 3 times. He needs the homework assignment for English. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Here’s the phone. Now remember, you can’t continue to call people and say, ‘Hey, it’s me. Who’s this?’ It’s rude and you don’t want to be known as the ‘rude kid.’ Right?”

“Right.”

RING, RING…CLICK

“What happened? Why’d you hang up?”

“I got the answering machine.”

“Why didn’t you leave a message?”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“Will! We’ve been over this a thousand times! You say, ‘Hi. This is Will. I’m returning Billy’s call. He can call me at home when it’s convenient. Thank you. Good bye.’ This is simple stuff.” 

“I can’t say that! It sounds weird…like I’m trying to be a grown-up or something.”

“Well, that’s sorta the point, but go ahead and say it in your own words. Just be polite! Got it?”

“Got it.”

RING, RING

“Uh, yeah. Hey, um…it’s me. Uh, calling you…because I guess you called me. So, I’m calling you back for whatever reason you called because I don’t really know why. Ok? That’s why I’m calling you…to find out. So, uh…call me to tell me what you want. Ok? So, um…that’s about it.”

CLICK

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Go Ahead, Quit Your Day Job

“Dad, does is totally suck to have to go to work everyday?”

“No, I wouldn’t say that, but I’d much rather hang out with you guys all day. And, by the way, watch your mouth, mister.”

“So, they don’t give you recess or nothing?”

“Nope. No recess”

“You know what, Dad? If I had a crappy sorta job like yours, I’d make everybody go out to the parking lot at 9:00 everyday and play kickball. Then, if I got bored in the afternoon, I’d sneak around the office and make funny videos and put ’em on YouTube. I’d probably get like a million hits and then somebody would wanna make it a real movie and pay me a bunch of money. Then I’d quit my crappy job.” 

“Thanks, buddy. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“No problem, Dad.”

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Is Your Refrigerator Running?

“Will, did you take your cell phone, which is supposed to be used for emergencies only, to school and prank call your sister from the bus this morning?”

“I did…we thought it would be funny!”

Who’s ‘we?'”

“Everybody on the bus.”

“You are aware that your sister starts school 45 minutes before you do, right?”

“I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

“Did you realize she was in the middle of her English class and her cell phone, which was ‘accidentally’ left on, was in her backpack at the back of the class?”

“Well, no. I guess I never really thought about that part either.”

“Now tell me, exactly how many times did you prank call your sister?”

“Probably about 20. Am I in trouble?”

“What do you think?” 

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He Ain’t No Fred Astaire

“Mom, if you make me sign-up for Ballroom dancing at school, I’ll be forced to run away, probably to Mexico and then you’ll be down to just 2 kids. I thought you should know.” Will-11

As tempting as this may sound, I’d really miss the kid.

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Slightly Clueless

“Mom, I think it would be really hard to start-up a new country. I mean, think of how stressful it would be to come up with a national anthem. And, what about all the pressure involved in designing a new flag? I have anxiety just thinking about it!”

She’s only slightly clueless. I swear.  

“Oh, and by the way, I really love my history class. We do a lot of art.”        Anna – “almost 13”

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I’m Seriously Serious

“Mom, I always put an exclamation point after my name so that people will know to take me seriously.”

I think there are more than a few politicians out there that should consider this same approach.

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part X

“Mom, did you know that the best kind of teachers are the ones that laugh at your jokes and don’t send you to the principal’s office? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

In celebration of the start of school and the return of the big yellow bus, I thought it would be fitting to resume my blogging career with the latest scoop from the back of the bus. Fact or fiction? I’ll let you be the judge.

1.  “Mom, did you know the way a person butters their toast tell you a lot about the way they play sports? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

2.  “Mom, did you know that if you fart on your sister’s pillow before she goes to bed, she’ll grow chest hair overnight? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

3.  “Mom, did you know that during the summer, most school bus drivers make voodoo dolls of all the kids they secretly hate? That’s why so many kids get sunburn over the summer. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”    

4.  “Mom, did you know it’s a well-known fact that listening to rap music before breakfast causes brain damage? That’s why you should always wait until after lunch. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

5.  “Mom, did you know that thousands of kids are hospitalized each summer for brain freeze injuries? Red freeze pops cause the most damage. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

6.  “Mom, did you know that some people from foreign countries like to tan their armpits? They consider their pits to be their best feature. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

7.  “Mom, did you know that most robbers live in tree houses when they break out of jail? That’s why it’s always a good idea to check the trees in your yard before you head to bed. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

8.  “Mom, did you know if you hold in a sneeze, you’re likely to rupture a testicle? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

9.  “Mom, did you know that a blind, three-legged hamster is considered good luck? Especially when you carry it around in your back pocket. It increases your chances of winning the lottery. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

10. “Mom, did you know that instead of taking swim lessons, you can sprinkle fish food on your sheets before you go to bed? In the morning you’ll swim like Michael Phelps. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”  

I hope you all had fun and relaxing summers. For past I Heard It On The Bus episodes, click below. You’ll be glad you did.

I Heard It On The Bus

I Heard It On The Bus: Part II

I Heard It On The Bus: Part III

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IV

I Heard It On The Bus: Part V

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VI

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IX

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Jayisms

“Mom, I’m thinking about starting my own blog. I’ve got a lot of important stuff to say.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, but I’m having a hard time picking a title. If you let me, this is what I’m thinking…

No, you can’t borrow my sunglasses.

1.  My Stupid Sister

2.  My Stupid Brother

3.  My Sister and Brother Are Stupid

4.  Things To Do and Say That Make Your Sister Crazy

5.  Places To Hide After You Make Your Sister Really Mad

6.  Why It Stinks Being The Youngest Kid In The Family

7.  Rip-Offs That Make Kids Mad

8.  Good Jobs To Get When You Grow Up

9.  Why Trolls Make Good Toys And Other Important Things

10. How To Make Swords With Stuff You Find In Your Backyard

So what da ya think, Mom? Will you let me?”  Jay-9

Readers, I need your help. Should I let him, and if I do, what’s your favorite title? A word to the wise, I wouldn’t vote for My Stupid Sister or My Stupid Brother. Jay hasn’t thought this through, but he’ll be unable to blog due to the fact that he’ll be in hiding.   

They’ll never find me here.

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My Son the Circus Freak

“Mom, when I grow up, I might get a job taking care of monkeys. I’ll keep one for myself and name him Bananas, then I’ll dress him up in a tuxedo and make him drive around town in a little toy car. I’ll probably make millions of bucks because everybody likes to see a monkey driving a car.”  Jay-9

I’m assuming this will take place after he publishes the following books. I’ll send you all signed copies.

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Best Day Ever

“Mom, today was the best day of my life. Three great things happened at school today. First, I found a bunch of money randomly laying on the ground, so I picked it up and spent it at the school store. Second, I’ve got no homework. Third, the nurse checked our heads for lice and guess what? I don’t have a single one! It doesn’t get much better than that, huh?” Jay-9    

Sometimes it’s the little things in life that make us happy, like spending someone else’s money on a bunch of junk, conveniently forgetting to write down our homework assignment or temporarily escaping a lice infestation. Wishing you all the best day ever!

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Long Term Plans In Shorts

“Mom, when I grow up, I’m gonna have a pool and to make it really fun, I’ll put a diving board on my roof. I’m also gonna have a butler who plays video games with me and packs me lobster for lunch everyday. On days that I don’t feel like driving my Lamborghini to work, I’m gonna ride my skateboard and I’ll always wear shorts, even when it snows. You’ll never see me wear a suit to work because I think that’s just weird.”  Will-11

When your invited over for the pool party and lobster bake, remember to wear your shorts, but if I were you, I’d think twice before using the diving board.  

 

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It’s Brain Surgery, Not Rocket Science

“Mom, when I grow up I might wanna be a brain surgeon. I hear that’s a pretty good job. But here’s the thing, I’ll have to find some other guy to do the surgery because that would just be gross.”  Jay-9

That’s probably a good idea since he tends to freak out at the sight of his own blood.

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A Few Observations About Italy

I’ve just returned home from a fantastic week in Northern Italy, kid free, thanks to the help of my parents. Did I mention they are no longer speaking to me? Anyway, I wanted to share a bit about my trip with all of you. I could easily go on and on about the beauty of Venice, the quaint town of Mantova, the shopping in Verona, the art in Florence and the charm of the Italian people, but I won’t. Instead, I’d like to share a few simple observations.

The people are all drop dead gorgeous. There’s not a bad one in the bunch. Even the beggars are stunning. This sort of makes me hate them.

Not a soul is overweight. They eat tons of carbs and still remain thin. I’m not sure how they pull this off. After a week of dining on Italian food, I needed a shoe horn and a can of Crisco to fit into my jeans. I wish this was an exaggeration.

While having drinks in a friend’s home, I stupidly referred to my 100-year-old home as old. After bursting into hysterics, they shared with me that their home was built in the early 1500’s. Let’s just say, stuff there is really old.

Wine is served with every meal. I’m considering moving based on this fact alone. If you cut me right now, I would bleed Chianti. However, my passion about drinking my fair share of wine while in Italy had a major downside.

Yes, this is the stuff of nightmares. Using the restroom is not for the faint of heart. This was my biggest dilemma while traveling through Italy. Unless you are a contortionist, this act will not end well. Enough said. 

The quickest way to achieve a full-blown anxiety attack, besides using the restroom, is as a passenger of an Italian driver. They make crazy New York drivers seem like kittens. Our driver blew down the highway doing 120 miles per hour. Is it any wonder I felt compelled to drink wine with breakfast?

No matter what the weather, everyone wears pants. You will not see an Italian bare leg anywhere. The idiot in the skirt would be me. I never got the “Pants Only” memo. I’m lucky they let me in. 

 Ciao!

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Ain’t It The Truth?

“Mom, life was easier when I believed the Disney Princesses were real and babies came out of belly buttons.”  Anna-12

                                                                      

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The Battle of the Beans

“Mom, check this out. I’ve decided if I’m ever in an epic rap battle, this is what I’ll call myself…

By the way, see that kid on the playground with the red hair? The one that’s wearing the yellow SpongeBob shirt and Batman backpack? Well, he just might be the world’s best rapper.”

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part IX

“Mom, did you know that it’s a well-known fact that most presidential candidates are addicted to eating their own boogers? They keep a secret stash behind their ears. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

It’s never a good sign when school bus chatter turns political. Let’s find out what else was learned on the bus over the last few weeks. Fact or fiction? As usual, I’ll let you be the judge…

1. “Mom, did you know the world’s oldest goldfish lived to be 41-years-old? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

2.  “Mom, did you know that the lunch ladies at school purposely fart on all the napkins in the cafeteria before lunch because they secretly hate kids? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

3.  “Mom, did you know that kids who eat strawberry Pop-Tarts for breakfast are more likely to remember their library books on the due date? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

4.  “Mom, did you know the world’s longest dog tongue is 27 inches long? The owners tie it in a bow. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

5.  “Mom, did you know that if you pop a pimple onto your test before turning it in, your guaranteed to get an A? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

6.  “Mom, did you know that excessive eye boogers is a scientific sign of intelligence? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”    

7.  “Mom, did you know that people who lie all the time grow pubic hair on their tongues? If you think someone is lying, just ask to see their tongue. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

8.  “Mom, did you know that some people from foreign countries braid their armpit hair? That’s where they hide their spare house key. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

9.  “Mom, did you know that school janitors unscrew the toilet seats so kids fall onto the floor? They secretly hate kids for using too much toilet paper. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

10. “Mom, did you know the best way to avoid dying in a fiery plane crash is to tell the pilot before take-off that if he messes up, you’re probably gonna have to kick his a$$! It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

If you’re new around here and would like to increase your school bus IQ, hang out for a bit and catch up on past installments of I Heard It On The Bus. You’ll be glad you did

I Heard It On The Bus

I Heard It On The Bus: Part II

I Heard It On The Bus: Part III

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IV

I Heard It On The Bus: Part V

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VI

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

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Who’s Hiding In Your Closet?

“Mom, now that I’m bigger, I don’t worry about ninjas coming in my window at night. I just worry about bad guys with chain saws in my closet.”  Jay-9

What keeps you up at night?

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This Prestigious Award Comes With Cheese

“Mom, they say it’s the world’s hardest thing to win and you’ve gotta do lots of good stuff, but when I grow up, I might wanna try to win the Nobel Pizza Prize.”  Jay-9

I wonder if that’s pick-up or delivery.

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Where’d This Come From?

“Mom, for breakfast can you pour me a bowl of the Cocoa Puffs I snuck into the cart yesterday and you still don’t know we own? They’re hiding behind the Cheerios in the back of the pantry. Thanks, Mom. You’re the best.” Jay-9

It’s official. They’re winning.

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I Dare You To Jump

“Mom, you wanna hear something pretty stupid? Kids can’t jump off the swings at recess or they’ll get in big trouble. I mean, what if there’s an emergency like a fire or something? I think the school should think about stuff like that.”  Jay-9

I think I might call the school and complain about their irresponsible swing policy.

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The Dreaded School Project

Other than a letter from the school nurse notifying you of a lice infestation in your child’s classroom, nothing rattles parents quite like the dreaded school project assignment.

“Guess what, Mom? We’re doing a super fun project in school. It’s gonna be great! The teacher said we might need a little bit of help from our parents at home, ok? Oh, and by the way, I kinda sorta forgot the assignment in my desk for the last three weeks, and just so you know, it’s due tomorrow and counts for more than 1/2 our grade. Here’s the list of everything we’ll need for the project. Thanks, Mom. You’re the best!”   

Dear Parents,

The following is a list of supplies that will be needed for your child’s school project assignment. Please note, little to no money will be required to complete this project and most items on the list should easily be found around your home.

Thank you in advance for your help.

  • shoebox
  • markers & crayons
  • construction paper
  • poster board
  • molding clay
  • glue sticks
  • stickers
  • calligraphy pen
  • empty coffee can
  • staple gun
  • rubber gloves and protective eyewear
  • striped paint
  • truck load of 2×4’s in industrial grade lumber
  • power tools you currently do not own or want
  • one female mosquito carrying the West Nile virus
  • blow torch
  • fire extinguisher
  • 20 cleaned carcasses of assorted road kill, sorted alphabetically by their scientifically recognized Latin or Greek name   

Your child will hand you the list as you begin to feel the first symptoms of the dreaded stomach virus that’s currently rumored to be running rampant through the school district. You are fully aware that this project will not be “super fun” just as you know that it will not be “super fun” when, in less than 24 hours, you will end up close and personal with the porcelain throne when the stomach virus hits.

You take the list and glance over the items knowing that missing from the list will be… 

  • crying
  • cursing
  • loss of sleep

You decide to immediately check off one of the missing items by quietly cursing schools, teachers and principals everywhere. You even curse the President and Santa Claus, not because of politics or commercialized holidays, or even because it’s anyone in particulars fault, but because it makes you feel better and that’s how you roll.

You then proceed to yell at your child for the next 30 minutes for being irresponsible and waiting until the last-minute. Of course, she cries and apologizes profusely, but not completely convinced by her sub-par performance, you ground her from all fun activities for the next year, knowing full well you’ll never follow through.

You take your child and the list to the nearest craft and hardware store where you load your cart with the necessary supplies. At the checkout counter, you pay your bill by sliding your credit card through the card scanner and take note of the smoke billowing off your credit card. You briefly wonder if you’ll be able to feed your family for the next week.

Throughout the evening, you will have flashbacks of your own last-minute school projects, especially the one that involved your mother assembling an intricate diorama of an old Hollywood movie set and you going to school dressed outlandishly as Lillian Gish…”Mom, who the heck is Lillian Gish, anyway?”  

You will shoot daggers out of your eyes when your husband yawns and announces he’s heading to bed. You might even chuck the staple gun at his head as he leaves the room. You will then poke your child, a little too hard, with a 2×4 in an effort to keep her awake and prevent her from drooling all over the project.

You will end up typing the entire written portion of the project because you can no longer bear to watch your child’s painful hunt-and-peck typing, plus you’re afraid her hysterical crying will ruin the keyboard, not to mention that it’s way past midnight and you’ve begun to hallucinate.

In the morning, you will end up driving all of your children to school, not only because they missed the bus, but because there’s no way in hell you’ll risk damaging the project that kept you up most of the night. As you pull out of the carpool line, you will secretly give the school the middle finger, under the dashboard, of course, and then vomit all over the front of your bathrobe.  

A few weeks later, when your child brings home the graded project marked with a B+, yourLillian Gish self-esteem will be shaken. You’ll wonder where you went wrong and how’s it’s possible that a 40-year-old, college-educated woman is incapable of getting an A on a 6th grade school project. As you shake your head, your youngest child will hand you a paper and say…

“Hey, Mom! Guess what? We get to do a super fun project in school.”

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Snoop Dogg Has Pumped Up Kicks

“Will, did you know my new favorite rapper is Snoop Dogg?”

“Jay, you’re crazy! You don’t even know who Snoop Dogg is. I bet you can’t name me one Snoop Dogg song.”

“You’re wrong. I know tons of stuff you don’t think I know and right now…I’m not in the mood to share.” 

“Jay, you’re lying. Mom won’t even let you listen to that stuff…I’m pretty sure he says a bunch of bad words.”

“Well, maybe he does, but I don’t care about hearing a few bad words. Besides, just because I hear bad words doesn’t mean I’m gonna say them.”

“You’re wrong, Jay. There’s some sorta rule that says if kids hear bad words, they end up saying them in school and when they get caught, the school kicks them out and they end up in juvie.”

“Well, I definitely don’t want to go to juvie. That’s where all the kids that smoke cigarettes and shoot each other for their shoes end up. They chase you down with a gun and steal your shoes. You know, just like that song says…”

Jay-9 & Will-11

http://youtu.be/b3DM_KV0x-w

There’s less than six degrees of separation between Snoop Dogg and Foster The People.

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What Does Your Conscience Look Like?

“Wow, Will! This is an interesting drawing. I’m just a little curious why your guardian angel is wearing a sombrero and smoking a cigarette?”

“Oh, that guy? He’s not my guardian angel, Mom. Senor Snagle is supposed to be my conscience. He’s pretty good, huh?” Will-10

 

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Will A Frozen Mouse Eat Cheese?

“Mom, did you hear the Disney guy froze himself in ice when he died? They say that costs a ton of money…probably why Disney World’s so expensive. But here’s the thing I just don’t get…when they bring him back to life, what the heck is he gonna do about all the frost bite?

Oh, and just so you know…I’m giving up cheese for Lent. I heard Jesus was lactose intolerant.”  Jay-9

 

 

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You Should Agree With My Opinion

“Mom, I’m totally coming shopping with you! I’ll help you find something perfect. Trust me, I know what looks good. We’re going to have so much fun!” Anna-12

***

“Ok, Anna. Let’s hear it. What do you think about this one?”

“Nah. I don’t like the color on you. Try something else.”

“How about this?”

“No way! Never in a million years. You look ridiculous!”

“Ok. What about this?”

“It’s hideous. Absolutely horrible. Get it off now. Ick!”

“This one?”

“God, no! It makes you look old and that color makes me nauseous. Yuck! I think I just threw up.”

“Alright. How’s this?”

“What? Are you crazy? You look like you’re trying too hard. Get it off immediately. Hurry up and get back into the dressing room before someone sees you. Run!”

“This one’s cute, right?”

“It’s ok, I guess. But it sorta makes your nose look big. What else do you have in there?”

“How about this?”

“Crappity, crap, crap, crap! It’s too pilgrimish and it doesn’t match your hair. Can’t you see how it draws attention to your roots?”

“This one’s good, I think?”

“Are you kidding me? You look like a monkey wrapped in a table cloth.”

“This?”

“No. No. No. Please, no! You look like a sausage…a rancid, overstuffed sausage.”

“What about this one?”

“Never! It hurts my eyes and makes me wish I was blind. Try something else.”

“Ok. I think this is the one.”

“Mom, that’s so bad and not a little bad…really, really bad. Bad like diarrhea in the middle of a really good movie.”

“Really?”

“Yes, trust me. So, what do you say we wrap this up? We can look for some stuff for me after lunch. This is so much fun! Thanks for inviting me, Mom!”     

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Fart on That!

“Mom, not that it matters, but I sorta told you Will would never read that book. I mean, c’mon, it has pictures of worms on the cover. The kid’s almost 11. The book’s completely unsophisticated.”

“She’s right, Mom. No offense or anything, but there’s no way I’m bringing that book to school. Seriously bad idea on your part…I say, fart on that!”   

Anna-12 & Will-“almost 11”

When things don’t go your way today, I suggest the following…

Out of milk … shout, “Fart on that!”

Empty toilet paper roll … curse, “Fart on that!”

Pants too tight … shriek, “Fart on that!” 

Broke a nail … cry, “Fart on that!”

Low on gas … yell, “Fart on that!”

Stuck in traffic … scream, “Fart on that!”

Boss makes you stay late … whisper, “Fart on that!” 

Forgot to defrost meat for dinner …  holler, “Fart on that!” 

Out of wine … whimper, “Fart on that!”

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The Sweet Smell of Eau de Mint

“Jay, you have food all over your shirt. Run upstairs and change before the bus comes.”

“Oh, that? That’s not food, Mom. It’s toothpaste and I wanna leave it there because it makes me smell good.” 

Toothpaste…even cheaper than Old Spice and the girls dig it.

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Get With The Program, Shorty!

“Ok. Now pay attention, Jay. My people are set up over here and your people are set up over there. If your people break the rules then my people can sue your people.”

“Wait a second, Anna. I have no idea what suing is.”

“Well, Jay. It means that my people can take all of your people’s money.”

“Anna, that just sounds like stealing to me.”

“No, Jay. It’s not stealing. It’s suing and it’s legal.”

Anna-12 & Jay-9

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Stop Clowning Around!

“Mom, you know how Jay will pretty much believe anything you tell him? Well, I’ll bet you 5 bucks and a pack of baseball cards that if I tell him it’s Clown Day at school tomorrow, I can get him to go to school dressed as a clown.”  Will-10 & Jay-9 

I’d take that bet, but I only bet on sure things.

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Keep Your Pencil Out Of The Pissoir

Jay, did you or did you not put your pencil in the urinal at church and then wipe it on your sister? Tell me the truth and do not lie!”

“No! No way! I swear, Mom. I would never do that.”

“Why would she make that up?”

“Because she wants to get me in trouble. It’s a well-known fact that she secretly hates me.”

“So, you’re telling me you’re completely innocent and she made up the whole story?”

“Well, no. Parts of the story are true.”

“So, you’re lying?”

“No. Not really. I mean, I did wipe my pencil on her, but I never actually put it in the urinal. That part was a joke not a lie.”

Jay-9 & Anna-12

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Smells Like A Size 5

Me:  “C’mon, guys! We’ve been through this before…the next time I find a wet towel on your bed or dresser, you’re all in serious trouble. You’re going to ruin the furniture. Pick up the towels and hang them on the hooks. It’s not that difficult!”

Jay:  “Hey! Wait a second, Mom. Don’t blame me! I don’t even use towels. I just dry off with whatever’s laying on the bathroom floor.”

Anna:  “It’s true, Mom. I saw him in there yesterday. He was drying off with one of Will’s dirty socks.”

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Guess What’s In The Chandelier?

“C’mon, Mom! Please stop crying. You’ve gotta admit…it’s sorta funny that the chandelier is now filled with pee.”  Anna-12

There’s nothing quite like returning home and discovering a waterfall in your dining room. One of my beautiful, smart children, who will remain nameless, accidentally clogged her a toilet on the second floor. The evil toilet then overflowed for several hours into the dining room below, through the first floor and into the recently refinished basement. On a positive note, the next time I have guests for dinner, I will be able to engage them in a fun new game of “Guess What’s Been in the Chandelier.”

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

“Mom, did you know that the first piece of cheese was discovered in 1896 by a farmer in West Virginia? That guy had some sorta special cheese making cow that he sold to the government for a million bucks. That’s why we have cheese today. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”  Jay-9 

I think we should all give thanks to the farmer from West Virginia with the special cow. Without him, our burgers would be bland and our Friday night pizza would lack pizzazz. Now, let’s find out what else was learned on the bus this week. Please keep in mind that only 75% of everything you hear on the bus is true. Fact or fiction? I’ll let you be the judge.

1.  “Mom, did you know that the world’s biggest booger weighed 4 1/2 lbs and was removed by using a toothpick, pliers and a monkey wrench? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

2.  “Mom, did you know that the best way to go up the down escalator is to skip a stair and go as fast as you can without falling and cracking your head open? Oh, and make sure to tie your shoes. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

3.  “Mom, did you know that it’s actually healthier to eat dog food for breakfast than most cereals? They say it fights cavities and gets rid of bad breath. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

4.  “Mom, did you know that if you wear your pajamas to bed inside out, it will snow overnight and you’ll get a snow day off from school? If you also go commando, there will be a blizzard. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

5.  “Mom, did you know that it’s a well-known fact that the best way to get rid of a stuffy nose is to sleep with a week’s worth of dirty socks stuffed into your pillow case. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

6.  “Mom, did you know that starting this year, if you spill your milk in the cafeteria, the lunch ladies will make you lick it up? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

7.  “Mom, did you know there’s a law that forces bus drivers to tuck their shirts into their underwear? They do it so kids won’t make jokes about their butt cracks.  It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

8.  “Mom, did you know that in some fancy restaurants in foreign countries, it’s considered good luck to let the waiter spit in your food before you eat? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

9.  “Mom, I need 5 bucks. Did you know that the reason some kids get all A’s is because they buy stuff for their teachers from the school store each week. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

10. “Mom, did you know that Michael Jackson used to fart into ziplock bags and sell them on eBay? People paid thousands of dollars to smell his farts. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”

If you’ve fallen behind on previous installments of I Heard It On The Bus, you can catch up by reading…     

I Heard It On The Bus

I Heard It On The Bus: Part II

I Heard It On The Bus: Part III

I Heard It On The Bus: Part IV

I Heard It On The Bus: Part V

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VI

I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

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Playing Hookey

“Mom, if I got a concussion would I have to go to school?” Jay-8

This is what I thought…

“WTF?!?”

But this is what I said…

“Jay, why would you ask me that question?”

This was his response…

“No reason, Mom. Just wondering.”

This is disturbing. At what point did this kid think that self-inflicted brain injury would be a good idea? What the hell is he up to? Hmm, I’m thinking. Still thinking. Thinking some more. Got it! This is what I imagine took place, a conversation between brothers…

“Hey, Will! I’ve got a great idea!”

“Ok, Jay. What da ya thinking?”

“Well, I was thinking if we got ourselves a couple of concussions we might be able to get out of school for a day or two.”

“How in the heck are we gonna do that, Jay?”

“I’m thinking if we took a couple of those bricks out there in the backyard and chucked them at each other…that might do the trick.”

“Jay, I’m not sure this is a good idea. You know how I don’t like pain.”

“C’mon, Will! Don’t be such a baby your whole life. You just need to rattle around your brain enough for a little concussion. Just think…we can spend the whole day in the basement eating freeze pops and playing Xbox.”

That’s it…the damn Xbox!

So tell me, did you ever play hookey from school? 

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My Child’s Gifted…eat your heart out!

“Mom, did you know there’s a kid on the bus who can fart his ABC’s? I think he might just be the luckiest kid in the whole world.”  Will-10

I, for one, would be thrilled as a parent to have this little tidbit to brag about. Imagine the conversation between parents at the bus stop…

“Yes, ladies, it’s true that little Johnny’s grades are in the toilet, but he has other gifts his father and I are encouraging at the moment. I really hate to brag, but the child has perfected the art of farting the entire alphabet both forwards and backwards. It’s really quite remarkable. In fact, we received a call from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center yesterday, inviting little Johnny to demonstrate his gift to patients who have lost the ability to communicate through speech. It’s true… Johnny will be enhancing lives by teaching others to communicate through their assholes.”  

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Deep Thoughts Over Cheerios

Prepare yourself, we are about to get deep…

“Mom, I’ve got a question. What if I was sitting all by myself in my room, but everybody else in the whole world happened to be hanging out in Africa, I mean EVERYBODY. And then all at once, everybody in Africa screamed. Would I hear them?” Jay-8

Alright, so what’s your best guess? Jay’s upstairs in his room here in the Northeast while the rest of the population on the planet just happens to be “hanging out” in Africa. We all scream. Can he hear us? It’s sort of like that age-old riddle, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Only switch the location to Africa and add about 6 billion people. Except, of course, for Jay because he’ll be upstairs in his room.

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In The Eye Of The Beholder

“Mom, can you get me a grey sweater? Sorta like the color of your hair right before you dye it. Oh, and by the way, when you make that face, your forehead sorta reminds me of notebook paper. Thanks, mom. You’re the best!”   Anna-12

In case you’re wondering, she’s been grounded for life. She has absolutely no idea why.

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