Tag Archives: comedy

I Heard It On The Bus: Part III

“Mom, did you know that if you don’t know the answers on a multiple-choice test, people say you should always guess ‘C?’ But, that’s a total lie…you should always guess ‘B.’ It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” Will-10 I bet many of … Continue reading

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Captain Underpants Wears Dirty Underwear…and likes it!

“Mom, seriously, it’s not a big deal. They’re not that dirty. If they look clean, I always put the same underwear back on after I shower. It saves time.”  Jay-8 I thought it was a given…take a shower, put on clean … Continue reading

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I Wish I Was A Circus Freak

“Hey, Mom…come here! You wanna see something really cool? Look…I can scratch my head with my toes. Isn’t that amazing? Do you think they’ll put me in the record books for this?” Jay-8 I highly doubt they’ll put him in … Continue reading

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Superman Was A Slacker

“Mom, if you were a superhero, would you rather read minds or see into the future? I’d definitely pick reading minds because that way I’d never have to study for a test again. I could just read my teacher’s mind … Continue reading

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I Suggest You Braid It…maybe start a new trend

“Hey, Jay! What do you think you’re gonna do if you end up with a lot of chest hair when you grow up? I think I’ll probably just shave mine off.” Will-10 “Nah, I’m not gonna shave mine cause I … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part II

“Mom, just wait till you hear what I                                                                        learned on the bus today. You are gonna                                                                 LOVE it! Ready? Ok. Now, watch and listen… ‘Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made.’ Isn’t that totally hilarious? I can’t wait … Continue reading

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Would You Do It For 5 Bucks?

“Will, going forward, you are absolutely NOT allowed to do your brother’s homework…even if he begs you and promises to give you all of his money. Do you understand me?” Me to Will-10  The handwriting was my first tip-off, the guilty … Continue reading

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My Favorite Vegetable Is A Corn Dog

“Mom, I’ve got a question for you…did the Hopi American Indians eat a lot of corn dogs? I hear they really liked their corn.”  Jay-8 For those of you who were wondering about the duct tape… Apparently, this kid takes … Continue reading

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Where’s The Duct Tape?

“Mom, can you help me? I need a permanent marker, duct tape, a flash light, a juice bag, some Goldfish crackers in a bowl and Will’s iPod. Can you put it in a box and bring it outside? I’ll be … Continue reading

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A Brilliant Plan…Not!

“Mom, we’ve decided we’re gonna have a yard sale to sell off all of our old, junky, broken-down toys. I bet we can get a ton of money and then you can take us to Toys “R” Us so we can … Continue reading

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When In Spain, Do As The Chinese And Eat Spaghetti

“Mom, did you know that spaghetti is my favorite food? Well, it’s true. I think it’s pretty cool that spaghetti is just chinese food that comes from Spain. Ya know, I’ve always wanted to go to Spain…to eat the spaghetti, … Continue reading

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Going Commando

“Mom, in case you’re wondering why I’m not                                                   wearing any underwear, it’s because Will wedgied me so badly that they ripped in half. If you’re looking for them, they’re in the trash.”  Jay-8 Paybacks are hell.

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I Think I’d Like To Swim With The Fishes

“Mom, when I’m older I might wanna be one of those scuba diving dudes.       If I can make it all the way there and back, with enough air in my tank, I think I’ll probably dive down to the Titanic. Ya know, just … Continue reading

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The Sandwich, Part II

“Mom, can you make my meatball sandwich without sauce? I hate when my meatballs are saucy….the sauce makes it disgusting. And please, no cheese. I hate when it’s cheesy…it makes me want to throw-up. Oh, and one more thing…can you … Continue reading

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Food Is Rude

“Mom, I think it really stinks that all the food that’s good for me tastes so bad and all the food that’s bad for me tastes so good. The worst part is you’re always forcing me to eat the stuff that … Continue reading

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Don’t Let Her Dance

“Mom, please don’t dance.”  Anna-11                         ………. “Mom, please don’t embarrass me.” “Anna, how could I possibly embarrass you?” “You have your ways.” “My ways? Give me an example.” “Well, your dancing, for one.” “My dancing is fabulous. What … Continue reading

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Boy, You’ve Got No Heart!

“Mom,  I think I’ve got a problem…What does it mean when you check for your pulse and it’s not there? Mine’s been gone for a few days. Is that bad?  Jay-8   

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No Offense, But I’d Really Like To Beat You Up

“Mom, Jay keeps calling me a nerd. Just so you know…if he calls me a nerd again, I’m probably going to beat him up.”  Will-10 “Mom, Will is being mean to me for no reason. He said he’s going to beat … Continue reading

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The Guys That Wrote That Thing

“Mom, who were those guys, from like a 100 years ago, that wrote that thing? I think they were around right after Jesus. You know, those guys with the white fuzzy hair. They were all best friends with George Washington. You … Continue reading

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I’ll Be The Good Guy And You Be The Bad Guy

“Where are my Bobby pins?  Who took my Bobby pins? Why would someone take my Bobby pins?”

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It’s Not My Fault…I swear

“Mom, just so you know…I didn’t do it. There was a cup of juice, that wasn’t mine, that accidentally spilled on the coffee table, but it wasn’t my fault. I just found it there, all by itself with spillage everywhere. … Continue reading

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He Begs, Borrows and Steals…only sometimes

“Mom, Jay snuck into my room and stole all the gum out of my gumball machine.” Will-10 “No, I didn’t! I only stole some of it.” Jay-8 “Jay, you stole 98% of it. You left me with 2 pieces.” Will-10 “Will, … Continue reading

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Brothers Don’t Let Brothers Eat Embarrassing Lunches

“Will, you can NOT let Mom put your sandwich in THAT container for lunch?” Jay-8 “Why not? I can’t eat a squished sandwich.” Will-10 “Why?!? Because it says, ‘Lunch-Munch, Yum-Yum’ and there are happy animals dancing on the lid. You … Continue reading

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Feed Me Lobster

“Mom, why the heck is lobster so expensive? Do you think those lobster guys get a lot of money fishing for lobsters? Cause if they do, I might wanna be a lobster guy. I bet they make like a million … Continue reading

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You Wish Your Porsche Was My Lamborghini

“Jay, the most expensive Lamborghini is more expensive than the most expensive Ferrari, which is more expensive than the most expensive Porsche…it’s true.” Will-10 “Will, I would definitely rather have the most expensive Lamborghini than the most expensive Ferrari.” Jay-8 … Continue reading

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Breakfast of Champions

“Mom, there’s a piece of pepperoni in my cereal.” Jay-8 “Jay, you’re eating Cheerios. How would a piece of pepperoni end up in your bowl?” “Oh! Nevermind. It’s just my gum.” Jay-8 Yes, I know. Where did he get the … Continue reading

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Your Favorite Song Is Stupid!

“Anna, this is your favorite song.” Jay-8 “No, it’s not.” Anna-11 “Yes, it is. It’s totally your favorite song.” Jay-8 “Jay! This is NOT my favorite song. I don’t even like this song.” Anna-11 “Yes, it is. Will, isn’t this … Continue reading

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Non-Stop To China

“Mom, I think it would be really cool to go to China someday. I hear the plane ride is really long, but Will told me that they give out free massages on the plane.” Jay-8 “Hey Will, did you tell … Continue reading

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The Redcoats Are Coming!

“Mom, I’m sorta glad I don’t live in England. I think I’d probably feel badly about losing the Revolutionary War. Do you think the British are embarrassed?” Will-10 He’s a very empathetic child.

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A Gift To Remember

“Hey guys! What should we get Daddy for Father’s Day?” “How about a Lamborghini?” Jay-8 “Until your rap career is up and running, that’s a bit out of our price range.” “How about a used Lamborghini?”  Jay-8 “Still out of … Continue reading

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Don’t Hate Me Because I Drive A Lamborghini, Hate Me Because You Still Drive A Minivan

“Mom, when I become a professional baseball player like Ryan Howard, I’m going to buy everyone in our family a Lamborghini. Won’t that be great?”    Jay -8 It looks like I’m going to have a baseball playing, Lamborghini driving, ninja … Continue reading

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Those Rich Dudes

“Mom, who made more money, the dude that invented the popsicle or the guy who invented electricity…what was his name again?” Jay-8 The dude that invented the popsicle owes his fame and fortune to the guy who discovered electricity. Without … Continue reading

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An Embarrassing Lunch

“Mom, can you pack me lunch today? And please…don’t make it embarrassing.” Anna-11 As parents, there are many ways we can ruin our children’s lives. The possibilities are endless. An embarrassing lunch, however, seems to have been overlooked and hasn’t been … Continue reading

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Mom, What Do You Think Would Happen If I Accidentally On Purpose Did Something Completely Stupid? And now I’m afraid I might die!

“Mom, I’m just wondering about something. What do you think would happen if I accidentally ate an entire bag of Skittles before breakfast? Do you think it would help me on my math test today?” Will-10 There have been an … Continue reading

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There’s A Rapper In My House

“Mom, do rappers get paid because I’ve been working on a rap song. Check this out… Boom chicka bam bam, looking through a rubber band. Boom chicka bam bam, looking through underwear. Boom chicka bam bam, I think it’s time to eat a … Continue reading

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You Gerk!

“Mom, you need to yell at Will. He’s acting like a total jerk…a jerk with a capital “G”! Jay-8 He said it with such conviction that I didn’t have the heart to correct him. In fact, it’s certainly possible that he might … Continue reading

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H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

“Jay, you should never say the ‘H-Word’ unless you use it to talk about that bad place down there.  It’s ok to say, ‘I hope I never go to Hell.’  That would be fine.  But, you should never say to someone, … Continue reading

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Dumb and Dumber

“Hey Jay, do you think it would hurt if I pegged you in the eye with this tennis ball going 67 mph?” Will-10 “Well Will, it might hurt a little, but I’ll let you try it if I can wear some … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus

“Mom, did you know that the human body is capable of living 225 years? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” Will-10 Now, before you get too excited about this new revelation, let me tell you that information learned on a … Continue reading

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The Hot Dog

“Mom, is this hot dog made out of dead dogs?” Jay-8 This is what I said… “Of course not sweetie. Now eat-up.” But this is what I thought… “Of course not sweetie. They’re made out of pig snouts and entrails that … Continue reading

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