Tag Archives: funny

You Wish Your Porsche Was My Lamborghini

“Jay, the most expensive Lamborghini is more expensive than the most expensive Ferrari, which is more expensive than the most expensive Porsche…it’s true.” Will-10 “Will, I would definitely rather have the most expensive Lamborghini than the most expensive Ferrari.” Jay-8 … Continue reading

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Breakfast of Champions

“Mom, there’s a piece of pepperoni in my cereal.” Jay-8 “Jay, you’re eating Cheerios. How would a piece of pepperoni end up in your bowl?” “Oh! Nevermind. It’s just my gum.” Jay-8 Yes, I know. Where did he get the … Continue reading

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Non-Stop To China

“Mom, I think it would be really cool to go to China someday. I hear the plane ride is really long, but Will told me that they give out free massages on the plane.” Jay-8 “Hey Will, did you tell … Continue reading

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The Redcoats Are Coming!

“Mom, I’m sorta glad I don’t live in England. I think I’d probably feel badly about losing the Revolutionary War. Do you think the British are embarrassed?” Will-10 He’s a very empathetic child.

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A Gift To Remember

“Hey guys! What should we get Daddy for Father’s Day?” “How about a Lamborghini?” Jay-8 “Until your rap career is up and running, that’s a bit out of our price range.” “How about a used Lamborghini?”  Jay-8 “Still out of … Continue reading

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Don’t Hate Me Because I Drive A Lamborghini, Hate Me Because You Still Drive A Minivan

“Mom, when I become a professional baseball player like Ryan Howard, I’m going to buy everyone in our family a Lamborghini. Won’t that be great?”    Jay -8 It looks like I’m going to have a baseball playing, Lamborghini driving, ninja … Continue reading

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I Dream Of Shaq

“Mom, my new goal is to play in the NBA with Shaq.  I’ve been practicing.  I think they’ll take me.”  Jay-8 “Jay, you can’t play against Shaq.  He’s retired.”  Will-10 “What!?!  He’s retired!?!  Why!?!”  Jay-8    “Jay, Shaq’s old.  He’s turning … Continue reading

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Those Rich Dudes

“Mom, who made more money, the dude that invented the popsicle or the guy who invented electricity…what was his name again?” Jay-8 The dude that invented the popsicle owes his fame and fortune to the guy who discovered electricity. Without … Continue reading

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The Samsung Lame

“Mom, do you have any idea how embarrassing my life is? Don’t you know that in 5th & 6th grade kids are identified by their cell phones? And I’m stuck with Daddy’s stupid old flip phone. I’ve got a Samsung Lame…that means I’m … Continue reading

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An Embarrassing Lunch

“Mom, can you pack me lunch today? And please…don’t make it embarrassing.” Anna-11 As parents, there are many ways we can ruin our children’s lives. The possibilities are endless. An embarrassing lunch, however, seems to have been overlooked and hasn’t been … Continue reading

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Shocking Realization

“Mom, did you know that I’m actually closer to being 20 then you are? And, by a lot.”  Anna-11    What?!? How the hell did this happen? I was 20 just last week…right? This must be some sort of cruel joke. Am I being … Continue reading

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Mom, What Do You Think Would Happen If I Accidentally On Purpose Did Something Completely Stupid? And now I’m afraid I might die!

“Mom, I’m just wondering about something. What do you think would happen if I accidentally ate an entire bag of Skittles before breakfast? Do you think it would help me on my math test today?” Will-10 There have been an … Continue reading

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There’s A Rapper In My House

“Mom, do rappers get paid because I’ve been working on a rap song. Check this out… Boom chicka bam bam, looking through a rubber band. Boom chicka bam bam, looking through underwear. Boom chicka bam bam, I think it’s time to eat a … Continue reading

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You Gerk!

“Mom, you need to yell at Will. He’s acting like a total jerk…a jerk with a capital “G”! Jay-8 He said it with such conviction that I didn’t have the heart to correct him. In fact, it’s certainly possible that he might … Continue reading

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H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

“Jay, you should never say the ‘H-Word’ unless you use it to talk about that bad place down there.  It’s ok to say, ‘I hope I never go to Hell.’  That would be fine.  But, you should never say to someone, … Continue reading

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Dumb and Dumber

“Hey Jay, do you think it would hurt if I pegged you in the eye with this tennis ball going 67 mph?” Will-10 “Well Will, it might hurt a little, but I’ll let you try it if I can wear some … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus

“Mom, did you know that the human body is capable of living 225 years? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” Will-10 Now, before you get too excited about this new revelation, let me tell you that information learned on a … Continue reading

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The Hot Dog

“Mom, is this hot dog made out of dead dogs?” Jay-8 This is what I said… “Of course not sweetie. Now eat-up.” But this is what I thought… “Of course not sweetie. They’re made out of pig snouts and entrails that … Continue reading

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The Snarky Older Sister

“Will, you are so freakishly disgusting. I hate the way you chew…you sound like a sick cow.” Anna-11 to Will-10 I love the snarky older sister. She’s fabulous. Sadly, we don’t get to hear from her often enough because either: … Continue reading

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The Facts of Life

“Jay, here’s the thing about penises…sometimes they just do stuff you can’t control. Nobody knows why. It’s just the way it is.” Will-10 to Jay-8 There’s not a whole lot I can contribute to that…I think that about sums it … Continue reading

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College Life

“Mom, you know how when you go to college you usually live there? Well, do you have to keep your shoes on the whole time?” Jay-8 I love these off-the-wall questions. I can only begin to imagine the scenario he has … Continue reading

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Puppy Love

“Mom, there’s a boy at school that I think might like me. When he’s not trying to trip me, he talks to me about sports I know nothing about and tells me jokes that aren’t really funny. I just laugh … Continue reading

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He Doesn’t Bite…all the time

“Mom, Jay just bit me!” Will-10 “Seriously Mom, it was an accident…I swear! I tripped and my tooth accidentally fell into him.” Jay-8  I’m considering installing a Nanny Cam. There are way too many “accidents” going on in this house. … Continue reading

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The Trash Can

This is an old quote. It took place about a year ago. It’s the quote that made me realize I had become a grumpy mother who spent too much time being frustrated by childhood shenanigans and not enough time laughing … Continue reading

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Manly Children

“But Mom…l like the dirt under my fingernails. It makes me look more manly.” Jay-8 The Top Ten Ways For A Kid To Look More Manly 1. dirty fingernails 2. messy hair…the current look for the under 12 crowd 3. yellow, unbrushed … Continue reading

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Mother’s Day Bliss

“Mom, Mom, Mom…I need help! Jay just clocked me and my mouth is gushing blood.” Will-10 “But Mom, it was an accident.” Jay-8 “Don’t believe him Mom…he did it on purpose.” Will-10 “Well, I tackled him on purpose but I clocked … Continue reading

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Stealing Bases

“Jay, stealing bases is like going pee…once you commit to going you can’t stop.” Will-10 to Jay-8

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The Self-Portrait…with some random dead guy

“Hey Will, come check out my self-portrait. I’m hoping it makes history. What do you think?” Jay-8           “Well Jay, it’s pretty good for a kid your age. But what’s up with the dead guy on the windowsill?” Will-10 It is a … Continue reading

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Simon Cowell

“Mom, if Simon Cowell is so rich then why does he always wear the same shirt?” Anna-11

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My Mother’s Twin

“Mom, did you know that you have the exact same hair as Steven Tyler? You could almost be twins.” Anna-11 …except for the fact that I’m not a 63-year-old, uber-famous, male, recovered drug-addict, rocker. Putting all that aside, there is … Continue reading

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A Comfy Chair

“Mom, this is the part I don’t understand about school…how come only the teachers get the comfy chairs? I think I would learn a lot better if I had a comfy chair too.”  Jay-8 I think the kid’s got a … Continue reading

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Driving Blind

“Mom, how do blind people drive?” Jay-8 Hmm…I never thought about this. I imagine this could potentially be an enormous problem. Picture the scene…you and your significant other are driving down the highway enjoying the scenery when you notice a … Continue reading

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Playing Hookey

“Mom, if I got a concussion would I have to go to school?” Jay-8 This is what I thought… “WTF?!?” But this is what I said… “Jay, why would you ask me that question?” This was his response… “No reason, … Continue reading

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The Listener

“Mom, I’ve decided I’m gonna change my ways. Instead of making you ask me 10 or 11 times to do something, I’m only gonna make you ask me 2 or 3 times. Would that make you so happy?” Jay-8 Sometimes you’ve … Continue reading

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The Sandwich

“Mom, can you make me a sandwich? I want ham, but not ham and cheese…I hate cheese. Use that kinda ham that’s pink and thin, but doesn’t have that hard stuff on it…I hate that kind. Use that bread that’s not … Continue reading

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The Royals

“Mom, do you think the British shave their armpits?” Anna-11 So here’s Kate Middleton, looking magnificent in her wedding gown. She’s the absolute picture of class and grace…stunning. And, my 11-year-old daughter somehow overlooks all of this and wonders if she shaved … Continue reading

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A Bag of Balls

“Mom, what’s a ball sack?” Jay-8 I was unprepared for this question so I settled for the following… “Well honey, that would be a bag filled with some balls, of course. Now take this blue freeze pop and go play outside.”  

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The Philosopher

“Mom, I’ve got a question. What if I was sitting all by myself in my room but everybody else in the whole world was in Africa and they all screamed at the same time, would I hear them?” Jay-8 Alright, … Continue reading

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Eddie Haskell

“Hey Will, go inside and tell Mom she’s beautiful and see if you can get us a couple more freeze pops. Try to get me a blue one this time.” Jay-8 to Will-10 It looks like a modern day version … Continue reading

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The Wise Sister

“Jay, the fact that you feel the need to constantly draw on yourself with magic marker indicates to me that it’s likely you’ll be covered in tattoos and piercings by the time your 21.” Anna-11 to Jay-8 Maybe she has … Continue reading

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