Tag Archives: kids quotes

Jackpot Jay

Me:  I’m not selling your desk so you can buy a poker table and put it in your room. Jay:  Aw, c’mon, Mom! It would be so epic. And, I’d get a mini fridge and fill it with soda. Me:  … Continue reading

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For the Love of Oscar Mayer

“Mom, you know how Dad is really good at cooking hot dogs?                         Well, I think he should open a restaurant and call it Dad’s House of Wieners.” I think there’s some truth to that old saying, “You are what you eat.”  Happy Friday, … Continue reading

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No, I’m Not Dead

I’ve been a horrible blogger. It’s true. I mean well. I really do. Each day, I set out intending to hop on here and share some witty words of wisdom, but inevitably, I am sidetracked. Who would have guessed that this child … Continue reading

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Totally Craptastic!

“Mom, just so you know…the toilet paper in this house isn’t working. Oh, and by the way, I decided that on Crazy Mismatch Day, I’m gonna wear my underwear on the outside of my clothes.” Jay-10 Happy Friday, everyone!

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Answer Promptly With A Smile

“Will, you need to call Billy. The poor kid’s called here 3 times. He needs the homework assignment for English. Ok?” “Ok.” “Here’s the phone. Now remember, you can’t continue to call people and say, ‘Hey, it’s me. Who’s this?’ It’s rude … Continue reading

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Is Your Refrigerator Running?

“Will, did you take your cell phone, which is supposed to be used for emergencies only, to school and prank call your sister from the bus this morning?” “I did…we thought it would be funny!” “Who’s ‘we?’” “Everybody on the … Continue reading

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Slightly Clueless

“Mom, I think it would be really hard to start-up a new country. I mean, think of how stressful it would be to come up with a national anthem. And, what about all the pressure involved in designing a new flag? I … Continue reading

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I’m Seriously Serious

“Mom, I always put an exclamation point after my name so that people will know to take me seriously.” I think there are more than a few politicians out there that should consider this same approach.

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part X

“Mom, did you know that the best kind of teachers are the ones that laugh at your jokes and don’t send you to the principal’s office? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” In celebration of the start of school … Continue reading

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What Does Your Conscience Look Like?

“Wow, Will! This is an interesting drawing. I’m just a little curious why your guardian angel is wearing a sombrero and smoking a cigarette?” “Oh, that guy? He’s not my guardian angel, Mom. Senor Snagle is supposed to be my … Continue reading

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Fart on That!

“Mom, not that it matters, but I sorta told you Will would never read that book. I mean, c’mon, it has pictures of worms on the cover. The kid’s almost 11. The book’s completely unsophisticated.” “She’s right, Mom. No offense … Continue reading

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Stop Clowning Around!

“Mom, you know how Jay will pretty much believe anything you tell him? Well, I’ll bet you 5 bucks and a pack of baseball cards that if I tell him it’s Clown Day at school tomorrow, I can get him to go to … Continue reading

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Keep Your Pencil Out Of The Pissoir

“Jay, did you or did you not put your pencil in the urinal at church and then wipe it on your sister? Tell me the truth and do not lie!” “No! No way! I swear, Mom. I would never do that.” … Continue reading

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Smells Like A Size 5

Me:  “C’mon, guys! We’ve been through this before…the next time I find a wet towel on your bed or dresser, you’re all in serious trouble. You’re going to ruin the furniture. Pick up the towels and hang them on the hooks. It’s … Continue reading

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In The Eye Of The Beholder

“Mom, can you get me a grey sweater? Sorta like the color of your hair right before you dye it. Oh, and by the way, when you make that face, your forehead sorta reminds me of notebook paper. Thanks, mom. … Continue reading

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I Want A Comfy Chair, damn it!

“Mom, here’s the thing I don’t understand about school…how come only the teachers get the comfy chairs? I think I would learn a lot better if I had a comfy chair, too.”    Jay-8 I think the kid’s got a point. … Continue reading

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Public Restrooms…God, I hope he washed his hands!

“Mom, don’t worry. I never sit on a public toilet. I just take my pants off and lay them on the toilet seat. Ya know, to protect me from all the gross germs.” Jay-9 Apparently, he has decided that this … Continue reading

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Those Rich Dudes

“Mom, who made more money, the dude that invented the popsicle or the guy who invented electricity…what was his name again?” Jay-8 The dude that invented the popsicle owes his fame and fortune to the guy who discovered electricity. Without … Continue reading

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The Samsung Lame

“Mom, do you have any idea how embarrassing my life is? Don’t you know that in 5th & 6th grade kids are identified by their cell phones? And I’m stuck with Daddy’s stupid old flip phone. I’ve got a Samsung Lame…that means I’m … Continue reading

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Shocking Realization

“Mom, did you know that I’m actually closer to being 20 then you are? And, by a lot.”  Anna-11    What?!? How the hell did this happen? I was 20 just last week…right? This must be some sort of cruel joke. Am I being … Continue reading

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Mom, What Do You Think Would Happen If I Accidentally On Purpose Did Something Completely Stupid? And now I’m afraid I might die!

“Mom, I’m just wondering about something. What do you think would happen if I accidentally ate an entire bag of Skittles before breakfast? Do you think it would help me on my math test today?” Will-10 There have been an … Continue reading

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The Facts of Life

“Jay, here’s the thing about penises…sometimes they just do stuff you can’t control. Nobody knows why. It’s just the way it is.” Will-10 to Jay-8 There’s not a whole lot I can contribute to that…I think that about sums it … Continue reading

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Manly Children

“But Mom…l like the dirt under my fingernails. It makes me look more manly.” Jay-8 The Top Ten Ways For A Kid To Look More Manly 1. dirty fingernails 2. messy hair…the current look for the under 12 crowd 3. yellow, unbrushed … Continue reading

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Stealing Bases

“Jay, stealing bases is like going pee…once you commit to going you can’t stop.” Will-10 to Jay-8

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Simon Cowell

“Mom, if Simon Cowell is so rich then why does he always wear the same shirt?” Anna-11

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My Mother’s Twin

“Mom, did you know that you have the exact same hair as Steven Tyler? You could almost be twins.” Anna-11 …except for the fact that I’m not a 63-year-old, uber-famous, male, recovered drug-addict, rocker. Putting all that aside, there is … Continue reading

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A Comfy Chair

“Mom, this is the part I don’t understand about school…how come only the teachers get the comfy chairs? I think I would learn a lot better if I had a comfy chair too.”  Jay-8 I think the kid’s got a … Continue reading

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Driving Blind

“Mom, how do blind people drive?” Jay-8 Hmm…I never thought about this. I imagine this could potentially be an enormous problem. Picture the scene…you and your significant other are driving down the highway enjoying the scenery when you notice a … Continue reading

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Playing Hookey

“Mom, if I got a concussion would I have to go to school?” Jay-8 This is what I thought… “WTF?!?” But this is what I said… “Jay, why would you ask me that question?” This was his response… “No reason, … Continue reading

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The Listener

“Mom, I’ve decided I’m gonna change my ways. Instead of making you ask me 10 or 11 times to do something, I’m only gonna make you ask me 2 or 3 times. Would that make you so happy?” Jay-8 Sometimes you’ve … Continue reading

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The Sandwich

“Mom, can you make me a sandwich? I want ham, but not ham and cheese…I hate cheese. Use that kinda ham that’s pink and thin, but doesn’t have that hard stuff on it…I hate that kind. Use that bread that’s not … Continue reading

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The Royals

“Mom, do you think the British shave their armpits?” Anna-11 So here’s Kate Middleton, looking magnificent in her wedding gown. She’s the absolute picture of class and grace…stunning. And, my 11-year-old daughter somehow overlooks all of this and wonders if she shaved … Continue reading

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A Bag of Balls

“Mom, what’s a ball sack?” Jay-8 I was unprepared for this question so I settled for the following… “Well honey, that would be a bag filled with some balls, of course. Now take this blue freeze pop and go play outside.”  

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The Philosopher

“Mom, I’ve got a question. What if I was sitting all by myself in my room but everybody else in the whole world was in Africa and they all screamed at the same time, would I hear them?” Jay-8 Alright, … Continue reading

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Eddie Haskell

“Hey Will, go inside and tell Mom she’s beautiful and see if you can get us a couple more freeze pops. Try to get me a blue one this time.” Jay-8 to Will-10 It looks like a modern day version … Continue reading

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The Wise Sister

“Jay, the fact that you feel the need to constantly draw on yourself with magic marker indicates to me that it’s likely you’ll be covered in tattoos and piercings by the time your 21.” Anna-11 to Jay-8 Maybe she has … Continue reading

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Bunny Tales

“Seriously Mom, a bunny? You expect me to believe a cute, fuzzy, little bunny is going to hop all around the world dragging along baskets filled with candy and trinkets to millions of kids? I mean, c’mon Mom…it’s physically impossible! … Continue reading

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Public Restrooms…God, I hope he washed his hands!

“Mom, don’t worry. I never sit on a public toilet. I just take my pants off and lay them on the toilet seat. Ya know, to protect me from all the gross germs.” Jay-9 Apparently, he has decided that this … Continue reading

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Armpit Etiquette

“Will, you should never ask someone to see their armpit hair…it’s impolite.”  Jay-8 “I know that Jay, but some people should think about cutting their armpit hair. That’s what I’m gonna do if mine ever gets too long.”   Will-10  I think Emily … Continue reading

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The Instigator

“But Mom, I promised I wouldn’t start trouble. I never said anything about listening.” Jay-8

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