Tag Archives: Sarcasm

Where’d This Come From?

“Mom, for breakfast can you pour me a bowl of the Cocoa Puffs I snuck into the cart yesterday and you still don’t know we own? They’re hiding behind the Cheerios in the back of the pantry. Thanks, Mom. You’re … Continue reading

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The Dreaded School Project

Other than a letter from the school nurse notifying you of a lice infestation in your child’s classroom, nothing rattles parents quite like the dreaded school project assignment. “Guess what, Mom? We’re doing a super fun project in school. It’s gonna be great! … Continue reading

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Keep Your Pencil Out Of The Pissoir

“Jay, did you or did you not put your pencil in the urinal at church and then wipe it on your sister? Tell me the truth and do not lie!” “No! No way! I swear, Mom. I would never do that.” … Continue reading

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Smells Like A Size 5

Me:  “C’mon, guys! We’ve been through this before…the next time I find a wet towel on your bed or dresser, you’re all in serious trouble. You’re going to ruin the furniture. Pick up the towels and hang them on the hooks. It’s … Continue reading

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Guess What’s In The Chandelier?

“C’mon, Mom! Please stop crying. You’ve gotta admit…it’s sorta funny that the chandelier is now filled with pee.”  Anna-12 There’s nothing quite like returning home and discovering a waterfall in your dining room. One of my beautiful, smart children, who will … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part VIII

“Mom, did you know that the first piece of cheese was discovered in 1896 by a farmer in West Virginia? That guy had some sorta special cheese making cow that he sold to the government for a million bucks. That’s why we have … Continue reading

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Playing Hookey

“Mom, if I got a concussion would I have to go to school?” Jay-8 This is what I thought… “WTF?!?” But this is what I said… “Jay, why would you ask me that question?” This was his response… “No reason, … Continue reading

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My Child’s Gifted…eat your heart out!

“Mom, did you know there’s a kid on the bus who can fart his ABC’s? I think he might just be the luckiest kid in the whole world.”  Will-10 I, for one, would be thrilled as a parent to have this … Continue reading

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In The Eye Of The Beholder

“Mom, can you get me a grey sweater? Sorta like the color of your hair right before you dye it. Oh, and by the way, when you make that face, your forehead sorta reminds me of notebook paper. Thanks, mom. … Continue reading

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We Got The Evil Elf!

“Hey, look! I found the Elf!” “I found him first, Jay.” “No, you didn’t, Will. I did!” “Jay, you’re lying!” “No, I’m not. You’re the liar!” “Yes, you are, Jay. You’re the world’s worst liar ever!” “Well, you’re the worst … Continue reading

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Brush Your Teeth, Brush Your Teeth, Brush Your Teeth

“Jay, did you remember to brush your teeth?” “Yup.” “Is that true?” “Nope.” “Please go brush your teeth. You’re going to miss the bus.” “Got it, Mom! But, don’t you just hate it when you’re in such a rush that you forget to brush … Continue reading

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The Sandwich and The Boy

“Mom, can you make me a sandwich? I want ham, but not ham and cheese…I hate cheese. Use that kinda ham that’s pink and thin, but doesn’t have that hard stuff on it…I hate that kind. Use that bread that’s not … Continue reading

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Betsy Bags The Big Man On Campus

“Mom, I bet you don’t know who Betsy Ross’s best friend was?” “You’re right, Jay. I’m clueless. Was it Martha Washington?” “Nope. Guess again.” “How about Abigail Adams?” “No way. Not even close.” “Alright. I give up!” “A lot of people … Continue reading

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James Who?

“Mom, did you know that there was some guy named James Buchanan that was President a long time ago? If you don’t know a lot about him, it’s ok. He wasn’t that good anyway.”  Jay-9 I found this on Wikipedia James … Continue reading

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The Tale of the Purple Nurple and the Pink Tutu

“Mom, where are the band aids? Jay just gave me the worst nipple twister of my life. I’m pretty sure my nipple’s gone.” “Oh c’mon, Will! I hardly twisted. Plus, you sorta deserve a purple nurple for saying  you’re getting me a … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

“Mom, did you know that on every bus there’s a book hidden beneath the seat in the 10th row, on the left-hand side? It’s a secret book filled with all the world’s bad words. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”  Will-10 I knew … Continue reading

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Another Bag of Money

“Mom, I need you to do me a favor today. I need you to take this bag of money to the bank. See if the people at the bank can turn these coins into cash. It will be easier for … Continue reading

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She’s A Very Freaky Girl…she’s a super freak!

“Mom, you know that picture in the upstairs hallway? Well, it’s gotta go! That girl has been freaking me out for years. She’s the reason I can’t sleep at night. Weird things have been happening around here and I’m pretty sure … Continue reading

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A Thanksgiving Trinity…William Penn, The Great Depression & Pumpkin Pie

“Mom, did you know that a guy named William Penn discovered Philadelphia during the Great Depression? He’s the guy that celebrated the first Thanksgiving by inviting over a bunch of indians and together they baked the first pumpkin pie.” Jay-9 God, … Continue reading

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Actions Speak Louder Than Words…but hurt!

“Mom, Will grabbed my hand and made me punch myself in the face 3 times for absolutely no reason. Should I go tell him he’s in big trouble?” “What the fudge, Jay! That’s a bunch of crap! I was doing a … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part VI

“Mom, did you know that the best way to avoid having the principal sit with you on the bus is to NOT throw paper airplanes at the back of the bus driver’s head? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” … Continue reading

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The Mad Cow Dines With The Devil

“Will, you are so freakishly disgusting. You chew like a sick cow.” “What the heck, Anna! I can’t help it. It’s just the way I chew.” “No, it’s not. I know you’re doing it on purpose just to make me … Continue reading

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This Is Your Face…and I hate it!

“Mom, Anna purposely tried to kill me!” “No, I didn’t! Jay’s lying. I just tried to scare him, not kill him.” “Yes, she did! Don’t believe her. She ripped the skateboard out of my hands and chucked it at my … Continue reading

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The Pay Off

“Will, I’m sorry for hitting you with my cast. I feel really bad. Here, take this money.” “What the crap, Jay! You can’t go around cracking people with your cast when you don’t get your way. Look at my face! My lip’s … Continue reading

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If I Were Independently Wealthy

I’m a daydreamer by trade, but sadly, I don’t get paid. However, if I ever find a sucker willing to pay me boatloads of cash for my nonsense, I plan on spending it wisely. I won’t squander it on jewels, … Continue reading

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Sometimes They Make Me Crazy

“Mom, you’ve been doing way too much yelling, especially about stupid stuff like drinking our milk and tying our shoes.”  Will-10 It’s true. This has been a common theme in my house lately… “Mom, why are you yelling at me?” Because … Continue reading

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Public Restrooms…God, I hope he washed his hands!

“Mom, don’t worry. I never sit on a public toilet. I just take my pants off and lay them on the toilet seat. Ya know, to protect me from all the gross germs.” Jay-9 Apparently, he has decided that this … Continue reading

Posted in comedy, Entertainment, funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Life, Parenting, sarcasm | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

Family Game Night

Ok, so it’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s my interpretation of family game night. It starts out innocently enough. Everyone is gathered around the coffee table, happily chatting about the expected fun. We review the rules of the game. … Continue reading

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Armpit Etiquette

“Will, you should never ask someone to see their armpit hair. It’s impolite.”  Jay-9 “I know that, Jay. But some people should think about cutting their armpit hair. That’s what I’m gonna do if mine ever gets too long.”   Will-10  I think … Continue reading

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They Heard About It On The Bus

Today, I’d like to give a special shout-out to all the fab middle schoolers who are rumored to be reading this blog…You Guys Rock! Thanks for reading and laughing along with the rest of us. Please keep telling your outrageous … Continue reading

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Ninja Dreams

“Mom, would you be so happy if I grew-up and got a job as a ninja in China? I think you can get that as a real job and make like a million bucks busting up bad guys.” Jay-8 I … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part V

“Mom, guess what? I don’t have any homework because I did it on the bus. Did you know that it’s a well-known fact that kids who do their homework on the bus get better grades and have more time to play? … Continue reading

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We’re Having An Intervention. Will You Come?

“Mom, you should probably have a talk with Will. He’s got a big problem…he’s obsessed with brushing his teeth. It’s true! Ever since he got his braces off, he thinks he’s got the world’s most special teeth. You should see … Continue reading

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Driving Blind

“Mom, how do blind people drive?” Jay-8 Hmm…I never thought about this. I imagine this could potentially be an enormous problem. Picture the scene…you and your significant other are driving down the highway enjoying the scenery when you notice a … Continue reading

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You Can Have Your Cake And Eat It Too

“Mom, I think it really stinks that kids are forced to go to school on their birthdays.”  Jay-9 “Jay, your birthday was on Saturday. Today is Tuesday.” “Yeah, I know, but I’m still sorta celebrating and going to school ruins … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part IV

“Mom, did you know that the best way to get an A on a math test is to sleep with the book under your pillow? The information seeps into your brain overnight. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” Will-10 … Continue reading

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You Smelt It, You Dealt It!

“Jay, I think I’m pretty lucky that I never have to fart at school.” Will-10 “Not me, man…when I accidentally fart in school, I just make a surprised face and look at the kid next to me.” Jay-8 You’ve got … Continue reading

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Indoor Plumbing Is Overrated

“Mom, I need you! Jay just ripped open the bathroom door and chucked a teddy bear at my head. He screwed up my aim and now there’s a huge mess in there…it’s not my fault.”  Will-10 It’s all fun and … Continue reading

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Mmmm…You Smell Just Like Aisle 5

“Mom, did you know that the best smell in the whole world is the smell of Toys “R” Us? I love it! If I ever grow-up and get a wife, I want her to smell just like Toys “R” Us. I … Continue reading

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This American’s Got Talent

“Mom, you’ve gotta see this. Jay is drinking chocolate milk out of his belly button…with a straw!”  Will-10 about Jay-8 I’m so proud. I think this is worthy of mention in this year’s Christmas card. Dear Friends and Family, Season’s … Continue reading

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