Tag Archives: Young American Wisdom

Go Ahead, Quit Your Day Job

“Dad, does is totally suck to have to go to work everyday?” “No, I wouldn’t say that, but I’d much rather hang out with you guys all day. And, by the way, watch your mouth, mister.” “So, they don’t give … Continue reading

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Is Your Refrigerator Running?

“Will, did you take your cell phone, which is supposed to be used for emergencies only, to school and prank call your sister from the bus this morning?” “I did…we thought it would be funny!” “Who’s ‘we?’” “Everybody on the … Continue reading

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He Ain’t No Fred Astaire

“Mom, if you make me sign-up for Ballroom dancing at school, I’ll be forced to run away, probably to Mexico and then you’ll be down to just 2 kids. I thought you should know.” Will-11 As tempting as this may … Continue reading

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Slightly Clueless

“Mom, I think it would be really hard to start-up a new country. I mean, think of how stressful it would be to come up with a national anthem. And, what about all the pressure involved in designing a new flag? I … Continue reading

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I’m Seriously Serious

“Mom, I always put an exclamation point after my name so that people will know to take me seriously.” I think there are more than a few politicians out there that should consider this same approach.

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part X

“Mom, did you know that the best kind of teachers are the ones that laugh at your jokes and don’t send you to the principal’s office? It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” In celebration of the start of school … Continue reading

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Jayisms

“Mom, I’m thinking about starting my own blog. I’ve got a lot of important stuff to say.” “Oh, really?” “Yeah, but I’m having a hard time picking a title. If you let me, this is what I’m thinking… 1.  My Stupid Sister … Continue reading

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My Son the Circus Freak

“Mom, when I grow up, I might get a job taking care of monkeys. I’ll keep one for myself and name him Bananas, then I’ll dress him up in a tuxedo and make him drive around town in a little toy … Continue reading

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Best Day Ever

“Mom, today was the best day of my life. Three great things happened at school today. First, I found a bunch of money randomly laying on the ground, so I picked it up and spent it at the school store. Second, I’ve … Continue reading

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Long Term Plans In Shorts

“Mom, when I grow up, I’m gonna have a pool and to make it really fun, I’ll put a diving board on my roof. I’m also gonna have a butler who plays video games with me and packs me lobster for lunch … Continue reading

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It’s Brain Surgery, Not Rocket Science

“Mom, when I grow up I might wanna be a brain surgeon. I hear that’s a pretty good job. But here’s the thing, I’ll have to find some other guy to do the surgery because that would just be gross.”  Jay-9 … Continue reading

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A Few Observations About Italy

I’ve just returned home from a fantastic week in Northern Italy, kid free, thanks to the help of my parents. Did I mention they are no longer speaking to me? Anyway, I wanted to share a bit about my trip … Continue reading

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Ain’t It The Truth?

“Mom, life was easier when I believed the Disney Princesses were real and babies came out of belly buttons.”  Anna-12                                                                       

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The Battle of the Beans

“Mom, check this out. I’ve decided if I’m ever in an epic rap battle, this is what I’ll call myself… By the way, see that kid on the playground with the red hair? The one that’s wearing the yellow SpongeBob shirt and Batman backpack? … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part IX

“Mom, did you know that it’s a well-known fact that most presidential candidates are addicted to eating their own boogers? They keep a secret stash behind their ears. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.” It’s never a good sign when school … Continue reading

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Who’s Hiding In Your Closet?

“Mom, now that I’m bigger, I don’t worry about ninjas coming in my window at night. I just worry about bad guys with chain saws in my closet.”  Jay-9 What keeps you up at night?

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This Prestigious Award Comes With Cheese

“Mom, they say it’s the world’s hardest thing to win and you’ve gotta do lots of good stuff, but when I grow up, I might wanna try to win the Nobel Pizza Prize.”  Jay-9 I wonder if that’s pick-up or … Continue reading

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I Dare You To Jump

“Mom, you wanna hear something pretty stupid? Kids can’t jump off the swings at recess or they’ll get in big trouble. I mean, what if there’s an emergency like a fire or something? I think the school should think about stuff like … Continue reading

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Snoop Dogg Has Pumped Up Kicks

“Will, did you know my new favorite rapper is Snoop Dogg?” “Jay, you’re crazy! You don’t even know who Snoop Dogg is. I bet you can’t name me one Snoop Dogg song.” “You’re wrong. I know tons of stuff you don’t think I know … Continue reading

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What Does Your Conscience Look Like?

“Wow, Will! This is an interesting drawing. I’m just a little curious why your guardian angel is wearing a sombrero and smoking a cigarette?” “Oh, that guy? He’s not my guardian angel, Mom. Senor Snagle is supposed to be my … Continue reading

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Will A Frozen Mouse Eat Cheese?

“Mom, did you hear the Disney guy froze himself in ice when he died? They say that costs a ton of money…probably why Disney World’s so expensive. But here’s the thing I just don’t get…when they bring him back to life, … Continue reading

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You Should Agree With My Opinion

“Mom, I’m totally coming shopping with you! I’ll help you find something perfect. Trust me, I know what looks good. We’re going to have so much fun!” Anna-12 *** “Ok, Anna. Let’s hear it. What do you think about this one?” “Nah. … Continue reading

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Fart on That!

“Mom, not that it matters, but I sorta told you Will would never read that book. I mean, c’mon, it has pictures of worms on the cover. The kid’s almost 11. The book’s completely unsophisticated.” “She’s right, Mom. No offense … Continue reading

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The Sweet Smell of Eau de Mint

“Jay, you have food all over your shirt. Run upstairs and change before the bus comes.” “Oh, that? That’s not food, Mom. It’s toothpaste and I wanna leave it there because it makes me smell good.”  Toothpaste…even cheaper than Old … Continue reading

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Get With The Program, Shorty!

“Ok. Now pay attention, Jay. My people are set up over here and your people are set up over there. If your people break the rules then my people can sue your people.” “Wait a second, Anna. I have no idea … Continue reading

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Smells Like A Size 5

Me:  “C’mon, guys! We’ve been through this before…the next time I find a wet towel on your bed or dresser, you’re all in serious trouble. You’re going to ruin the furniture. Pick up the towels and hang them on the hooks. It’s … Continue reading

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Guess What’s In The Chandelier?

“C’mon, Mom! Please stop crying. You’ve gotta admit…it’s sorta funny that the chandelier is now filled with pee.”  Anna-12 There’s nothing quite like returning home and discovering a waterfall in your dining room. One of my beautiful, smart children, who will … Continue reading

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Playing Hookey

“Mom, if I got a concussion would I have to go to school?” Jay-8 This is what I thought… “WTF?!?” But this is what I said… “Jay, why would you ask me that question?” This was his response… “No reason, … Continue reading

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I Want A Comfy Chair, damn it!

“Mom, here’s the thing I don’t understand about school…how come only the teachers get the comfy chairs? I think I would learn a lot better if I had a comfy chair, too.”    Jay-8 I think the kid’s got a point. … Continue reading

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Hungry for Havarti

“Mom, for New Year’s Eve can you make that stuff that’s really good? You know, that stuff with the cheese? You put the cheese in the dough with some other stuff and then stick it in the oven. When it … Continue reading

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Santa Has Good Taste

“Mom, I think it’s pretty suspicious that every year Santa fills our stockings with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, which just happens to be your favorite candy. So, what do you have to say about that?”  Wishing you all love, peace and happiness … Continue reading

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The Top Ten Good Ideas Gone Bad…A Year In Review

1. Thinking it’s a good idea to listen to your little brother’s idea that you both pee in your snow clothes to avoid the hassle of coming inside from the snow. 2.  Thinking it’s a good idea to pop a pimple … Continue reading

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The Sandwich and The Boy

“Mom, can you make me a sandwich? I want ham, but not ham and cheese…I hate cheese. Use that kinda ham that’s pink and thin, but doesn’t have that hard stuff on it…I hate that kind. Use that bread that’s not … Continue reading

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Betsy Bags The Big Man On Campus

“Mom, I bet you don’t know who Betsy Ross’s best friend was?” “You’re right, Jay. I’m clueless. Was it Martha Washington?” “Nope. Guess again.” “How about Abigail Adams?” “No way. Not even close.” “Alright. I give up!” “A lot of people … Continue reading

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James Who?

“Mom, did you know that there was some guy named James Buchanan that was President a long time ago? If you don’t know a lot about him, it’s ok. He wasn’t that good anyway.”  Jay-9 I found this on Wikipedia James … Continue reading

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The Tale of the Purple Nurple and the Pink Tutu

“Mom, where are the band aids? Jay just gave me the worst nipple twister of my life. I’m pretty sure my nipple’s gone.” “Oh c’mon, Will! I hardly twisted. Plus, you sorta deserve a purple nurple for saying  you’re getting me a … Continue reading

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I Heard It On The Bus: Part VII

“Mom, did you know that on every bus there’s a book hidden beneath the seat in the 10th row, on the left-hand side? It’s a secret book filled with all the world’s bad words. It’s true…I heard it on the bus.”  Will-10 I knew … Continue reading

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Another Bag of Money

“Mom, I need you to do me a favor today. I need you to take this bag of money to the bank. See if the people at the bank can turn these coins into cash. It will be easier for … Continue reading

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She’s A Very Freaky Girl…she’s a super freak!

“Mom, you know that picture in the upstairs hallway? Well, it’s gotta go! That girl has been freaking me out for years. She’s the reason I can’t sleep at night. Weird things have been happening around here and I’m pretty sure … Continue reading

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A Thanksgiving Trinity…William Penn, The Great Depression & Pumpkin Pie

“Mom, did you know that a guy named William Penn discovered Philadelphia during the Great Depression? He’s the guy that celebrated the first Thanksgiving by inviting over a bunch of indians and together they baked the first pumpkin pie.” Jay-9 God, … Continue reading

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